Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

You see two puppies.
“Awwwww!”
But they’re cannibal puppies!
“Ahhhhhhh!”
One puppy eats the other!
“Ewwwww!”
Then he takes a nap.
“Awwwww!”

Wife just read through all my tweets.
Her eyes are very slowly rolling back into place.

Was watching that new walking dead and it was really good. They ran from zombies then killed zombies then ran from zombies then killed zombies then ran from zombies then killed zombies then ran from zombies then killed zombies then ran from zombies then killed zombies then ran fr

I should probably just learn a skill instead of waiting around for a malevolent spirit to take over my consciousness or whatever.

Farmer: These two chickens share a nest

No one:

Me: Would you call that cooperation?

[Batman & Joker at a table in Arkham Asylum]

Joker: Wanna know I got these Scars? *He gestures at his Lion King action figures*
Batman: Ugh

Me: Is this something a crazy person would wear?

My mom: Well, crazy people can wear whatever they want, so…

“I really have no idea how to pronounce my name but I won’t admit it.”

Guys named Geoff.

Number one rule as a snake charmer, never fall in love.

Wife: Who’s your favorite mom?

4-year-old: You!

Me: Who’s your favorite dad?

4: Mom.

So close.

Who called baby elephants calves and not inphants

Plowing through the mosh pit like hi *boop*…hi *boop*…hi *boop*

bill nye is short for william new year’s eve

I love when kids are like “Ah ya gaba boo ma beeba” and their parents are like, “yes that’s right liam we DID have so much fun in New Hampshire last Fourth of July!”

Fitness update: I rode a bike yesterday, and today it feels like I’m smuggling a baseball

Spider 1: … So, they live in there?
Spider 2: Yep.
Spider 1: I can’t believe that this *taps brick house wall* comes out of their butt!

“No. No birthdays, Christmas or modern medicine.. But you sure do make great friends going door-to-door”

*Door slams

– Jehova’s Witnesses

“Have you forgotten your password?”

Fish: 😔

An adult is a person who makes noise when they stand up.

Had to pause Willy Wonka & The Chocolate Factory to go buy a king sized Snickers. This is why i can not watch Breaking Bad.

My girlfriend asked me to stop impersonating a flamingo. I had to put my foot down.

I love my bodyguard. I would take a bullet for him

Everytime I spend $20 I think this is fine because I won’t do it again. And then would u believe

He instantly became one of the bros

Boss: I’m afraid I’m going to have to let you go

Me (a trapeze artist): Now!?!?

I’m really happy because my pill bottle says, Do not iron while taking this medication.

Convince people you own a penguin by putting up a ‘Beware of the Penguin’ sign outside your house.

Dreams at each age:
15: one day I’ll find great love.
20: one day I’ll become a great person.
25: one day I’ll make the world great.
35: one day I’ll throw out all my Tupperware at once, and buy a bunch of different sizes but all with the same lid.