I think I might be ready to start dating again?
Husband:
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Tea without sugar isn’t “unsweetened tea”.
It’s. Just. Tea.
Me: Accept your flaws. You’ll feel better. It worked for me.
Her: You accepted your flaws?
Me: No. I accepted your flaws.
GOLFER: what r u thinkin
ME (caddying): honestly sometimes i wake up & am mad that im not dead
GOLFER: jesus. i meant what club should i use
The dog ate my unified theory of the universe.
*Zuckerberg sits in front of congress*
“Mr Zuckerberg, we have several very serious questions and we demand answers”
“I have printed out all of your Internet histories”
“This meeting is over”
i like how at this walmart they put baby food products in the checkout lane. like oops thats right i have a baby to feed
Confession: My dad is a Pastor & I play the piano at church when I’m home. I religiously play R&B songs during portions of the service to see who notices. I’ve been playing “Between the sheets” by the Isley Brothers for almost 6 months and today my mom finally noticed.
My son started school today. I’m excited to meet all the new illnesses he’ll be bringing home this fall.
waiter: i’m sorry sir, but your card has been declined
me: run it again
waiter: i ran it three times
me: *to my date* omg this is so embarrassing. do you mind taking care of it?
her: no problem! *grabs waiter by the collar and pulls him close* he said run it again
4 YO: Mom, Can you help me open this?
Me: Yeah, in a minute
4 YO: Ok. Alexa, set a one minute timer
Your wife is beautiful, is she single?
I thought that was the most idiotic thing I’d ever heard, until you explained it… now it’s the second most idiotic thing.
How to run faster:
1. Drink a lot of water
2. Wait till u have to pee
3. Start runningYou’re welcome
Wife: “There’s this new show on Max, or Apple, or Prime. I can’t remember, but we should watch it.”
Me: “What’s it called?”W: “ummmm”
Me: “What’s it about?”
W: “I don’t remember, but it looked like something I would like.”
Any time you see a mass suicide case on the news, you can pretty much assume the assembly of an IKEA product was the cause.
I don’t have friends with ugly babies mostly because I believe in honesty
Sorry if I smell weird. I touched an old sponge last week
Not sure what a Shakira coochie board is but white people really like it
When I was younger MTV actually played videos. That’s what the M stands for. Music. Not Maternity, Motherhood or Moron.
My husband pissed me off so when he wasn’t looking I poured water on the floor in front of the dishwasher. He’s been fixing it for the past 2 hours.
God grant me the witchcraft to change the things I cannot accept.
Ever wonder what it’s like to work with the public?
[uber driver dropping me off at the gym] see you back here in five minutes
1st date
She: I enjoy long walks on the beach.
Me: *nod knowingly* Because you want to lose weight.
[end of long conversation]
HER: let me give you my number
ME: great! [forgot name] how do you spell your name?
HER:
ME:
HER: k-i-m
ME:
I got you a new pair of cement shoes!
Go ahead, try em on real quick…
Please make sure your kid’s middle name pairs well with their first name because you’ll be yelling that combo more than you think.
My daughter just asked me if you can pick up a baby by the scruff of its neck and I guess I won’t ever be a grandmother. Not for long, anyway.
If they’re going to advertise “Shots available now!” they really should specify if it’s needle or drinky.
Dua Lipa is a fantastic singer AND Mario’s advice to Luigi when he wants to get on a slightly higher platform