Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My wife went on a lot of roller coasters when she was pregnant with our daughter Katelyn, and you can tell 🙁

Granny moaning “godfuckingdammit” as she vomits Red Lobster scampi. @RedLobster: What’s your favorite seaside memory with your grandparents?

not me looking down to google “why is my dog staring at me” only to look back up and see my dog barfing on the carpet 😑😑😑😑😑

We get it, Aaron. You like vowels

I took a test to see if I have multiple personalities. I scored 100%, 92%, and 88%.

Them: Why are you single?

Me: *flashes back to the time I went out with a really tall guy and couldn’t stop laughing because I could see up his nose* It’s a mystery, really.

It’s ironic that we put rats in mazes when we, as a species, can’t find our way around IKEA.

lmao babies are so bad at tic-tac-toe I win every time

My 2023 resolution to only say “Dah, who turned out the lights?” in the event that the lights have actually been turned off, and not when eg. I’ve had a large pot placed over my head or fallen into an open manhole, has already proven more difficult than I thought

“Dad, lil bro pooped on the floor!”
Me: Ok, just like we practiced. I’ll hide in garage, you go tell Mommy. This convo never happened! GO!

when u have to ignore grammar rules to make a tweet fit into 140 characters

You known you’ve been on twitter too long when autocorrect will not type ducks.

to everyone who met me 5 years ago im sorry i was hacked

High school prepares you for real life! For example, show choir taught me how to put on eyeliner and lip liner in a car on the freeway

A child will either wear a band-aid for 7 minutes or for two years.

Getting ghosted would be awesome if it meant that your Tinder date was simply replaced by an actual ghost and instead of awkwardly sipping a coffee, you had to work with the ghost to solve a series of riddles to figure out how they died.

If your jokes are corny I’m all ears.

I visited my mother today. She thumped her dog on the nose for growling. My childhood makes a lot more sense now.

*interview for new roommate*

Ninja: I know it’s a small place, but you won’t even know I’m here.

NFT’s are played out. For the rest of 2022 we’re buying real monkeys, straight cash

Is it safe for Ryan Gosling to wink at a girl that’s already pregnant or does it like, poke the baby?

Habitual Offender sounds more dignified than 3 time loser.

The only way Congress will ever pass common sense gun control is if they’re threatened at gunpoint

occult darling Dracula needs to get a grip. having his own dirt shipped in to sleep on, what a piece of shit. me, i’ll sleep on any dirt

There’s anxiety and then there’s my 4yo counting to 10 really fast because we’re playing hide and seek and oh my gosh I haven’t found a hiding spot yet

Pro tip: never tell a three-year-old that you’re going to Disney unless you plan on leaving that very second.

Me: I’m going for a walk

Wife: Huh! I thought you were going to make fried rice?

Me: Yes, but you said to cook that right, I’ll need to use a walk

Keep your friends zoned and your enemies zoneder

*from his room
8: Hey, nothing went terribly wrong!
8’s friend: No, nothing happened!
8’s other friend: There’s just a little blood!

[tree falls in forest]

[doesnt make a sound]

GUY IN CAMOUFLAGE: What the—

TREE: oh shit uhh AAHHHH I have fallen and I can’t get up aaahhh