@gianni_bcn

I think I pulled a muscle paying my registration fee at the gym

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@the_anastasia

“Are you working right now? Where are you working?”

Facebook is worse than my parents.

@mattytalks

Actually Jennifer, diamonds are a girls best friend, so technically I slept with your second best friend

@notalogin

[Interview]
CEO: Why do you think you’d be a good fit at our firm?
GUY WHOSE DESCRIPTION IS SO LONG HE DOESN’T ACTUALLY GET TO SAY ANYTHING:

@meganamram

I’m donating my body to science. I’m getting sick of it taking up space in the freezer.

@kacisuewho

CASHIER: *squinting at credit card* Bruce Wayne, huh?

BATMAN: shit

@ClearlyUnwell

I gave my wife my email address but she keeps on speaking directly to me.

@DirtMcTurd

[friend being eaten by a bear]

*screaming violently*

Me: Stay calm! Don’t move so much! I’m trying to take a picture for snapchat!

@CantWaitToNap

My husband says that he just wants me to be happy.

Then he gets all mad and kicks my boyfriend out of our house.

@Kyle_Lippert

I’m such a disaster that 9/11 and The Titanic would go out on a date together and watch a movie about me.