My kid saw everything that was going to be from Santa in my saved-for-later cart on Amazon, so now my options are to start Christmas shopping from scratch or to persuade my kid that Amazon works for Santa.
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No one
An atheist: I am an atheist btw
After how many years should you clean your microwave?
I just don’t think a partridge in a pear tree would make a great gift
Monday Lisa
Friend: Just make sure you compliment her on something you’ve observed
[On a date]
Me: You’re really good at eating
USA to Russia: “We’re imposing sanctions on you!! But please still allow us on your Soyuz so we can reach our Space Station”
“That’s so cool,” she lied.
I found my first grey pubic hair today. Normally these things don’t bother me but it was in my Big Mac.
Give me a break, ouija board. I don’t need to know who was killed in this house. Just tell me how the murderer got away with it.
[interrogation]
“Where were u on the nite of the 5th?”
Stabbing a guy.
“Louder for the tape.”
[leans in]
Grabbing a pie. I went out for pie.
Is professional slap fighting still a thing or is all that training I went through being a little brother still useless?
Allow me to slip into something more out the window.
Priest: *running from confessional hyperventilating*
me: *chasing after him* HEY WAIT THERE’S‘ MORE.
Girl: I want bangs
Me: I want a stylist to get my hair as close to antlers as possible. Make me look like a young prince of the wooded glen
“One should never name drop”
The Queen told me that
It was when I stabbed a Capri Sun perfectly the first time, right in that grey circle, that I knew I wanted to be an assassin.
Wicked Witch of the West: I’ll get you, my pretty, and your little dog, too!
me: *acting coy & twirling my hair* you think I’m pretty?
I’m white, but not “I’m gonna check out the spooky sounds in the basement” white.
I don’t need anyone with a so-called degree “to” tell me I use quotes wrong.
I got tested this morning for Covid-19. Ouch. Those nasal swabs go deep. Jeez, buy a gal dinner first.
ME: *tells joke*
WIFE: ugh, that was funny in middle school
[later]
ME [at a local middle school]: so have you all heard the one about th
M. Night Shyamalan showed me his new screenplay where the coronavirus turns out to be Bruce Willis this whole time.
I’m 35 and I’ve never been married.
At this point, if you ask me on a date, be prepared to tell me about your retirement benefits.
Whenever a long lost friend calls me, I get suspicious & wonder if he’s calling me to sell Amway products..
I don’t think my neighbor knows my rule about not interacting unless we’re both pointing at the same tornado.
Having the meal you made rejected by a toddler is especially disheartening because it’s like, buddy, I’ve seen you eat play-doh.
Me: Time for bed, son. I don’t make the rules.
6: OK. But who makes the rules?
Me:
6:
Both of us: Mom.
“you changed” yeah i thought 3 days in the same outfit was kinda pushing it
Sometimes I accidentally make eye contact with someone and it’s like “well I better just go with it” and I begin sprinting at them
Responding to my friends being honest: “Man, I appreciate you.”
Responding to my kids being honest: “Man, can’t you lie about lunch being good just for today??”