If you play Stairway to Heaven backwards does it become Highway to Hell?
I think I pulled a muscle paying my registration fee at the gym
You Might Also Like
“Are you working right now? Where are you working?”
Facebook is worse than my parents.
Actually Jennifer, diamonds are a girls best friend, so technically I slept with your second best friend
CEO: Why do you think you’d be a good fit at our firm?
GUY WHOSE DESCRIPTION IS SO LONG HE DOESN’T ACTUALLY GET TO SAY ANYTHING:
I’m donating my body to science. I’m getting sick of it taking up space in the freezer.
CASHIER: *squinting at credit card* Bruce Wayne, huh?
I gave my wife my email address but she keeps on speaking directly to me.
[friend being eaten by a bear]
Me: Stay calm! Don’t move so much! I’m trying to take a picture for snapchat!
My husband says that he just wants me to be happy.
Then he gets all mad and kicks my boyfriend out of our house.
I’m such a disaster that 9/11 and The Titanic would go out on a date together and watch a movie about me.