Batman could have used his wealth to help Gotham’s poor and disenfranchised. But no, we really needed another violent leather fetishist.
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[the middle of showering] I need a break
WIFE: Wanna split the last slice of pizza?
ME: Nah, you take it
KING SOLOMON (entering dramatically): You, sir, are the pizza’s real mother
Me buying fruit and veg
It’s so foggy out right now that I feel like I should be telling someone about an ancient prophecy
Rock of ages, but it’s just Dwayne Johnson showing me his childhood photo album.
Never feel like you’re too small to make a difference. After all, a tiny raisin has the ability to RUIN EVERYTHING ITS BAKED IN.
ME: we can do this
GOOGLE SMART CAR: we can’t clear the bridge
ME: *mashes ‘im feeling lucky’ button*
The world would be a better place if we all got along like the “Price Is Right” audience.
Me: Alexa, tell me a fact to tell my date to break an awkward silence.
Alexa: When hippos are upset, their sweat turns red.
Me: When hippos-
Date: Yeah, I heard…
If I’m ever captured as a spy, all they’d have to do to get me to talk is put my house slipper on the wrong foot.
Thank you for inviting me. Where are the unattended meat trays?
I’m a parent, so if another grownup tells me “we’ll see” or “maybe” I know the answer is no
My dad was bragging about his hearing aid. State of the art, he said. Cost me a fortune. Awesome, I said, what type is it? Two thirty, he replied.
A new study says eating sugar will kill you and was conducted by the No Shit Sherlock Research Institute.
Me: Shall I buy flowers for the housewarming?
Wife: Orchids?
Me: Where am I supposed to buy children?
Magic words that make my children disappear:
3) Bath time
2) Who did this?!
1) When I was your age…
friend: how’s the amazon job?
me: can’t complain
friend: what’s with the beeping collar?
me: *tearing up* can’t complain
Re: recent conversation about which of your cats is the convicted felon
Them: Mr. Scholl-
Dr. Scholl: EXCUSE ME I DIDN’T GO TO 6 YEARS OF FOOT SCHOOL TO NOT BE CALLED DOCTOR
Them: Sorry, DOCTOR Scholl, can you please put your pants back on, this is an Arby’s
Producer: This is a complete ripoff of Sesame Street.
Me: How so?
Producer: For starters, it stars puppets you refer to as “Moppets” named Large Bird, Herman the Toad, The Archduke, Alma, and Kurt & Arnie. And you call it…?
Me: Poppy Seed Blvd.
Producer: Get out.
Kid packed for a 3 day trip to his grandparents with 1 t-shirt, 1 pair of underwear, and 7 pairs of socks. I have a few questions
Boss: You’ve been chosen to take a random drug test.
Me: Very cool. So which one am I testing?
They left us in the waiting room so long at the orthodontist this morning my son formulated a plan for what he would do there in case of earthquakes, tornadoes, hurricanes, fire, kidnappers and zombies
It took me three decades to become an overnight success.
Every time I open my mouth, some idiot starts talking.
If Twitter allowed us to attach a signature to each Tweet, mine would be : “He said, stupidly.”
“Why?” – Socrates and four year-olds
My teen practicing her lawyer skills, “We’re studying Thailand, can we get Thai food to help me understand the culture better?”
I’m just a girl standing in front of a boy asking him to stop eating all the snacks I bought for school lunches dammit.
Had a bad mixup at the store today. Cashier said strip down facing me. Apparently she meant my credit card.