Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I refuse to eat pound cake or go to yard sales. It’s metric system or gtfo.

[hotel]

me: do you offer turndown service

concierge: sorry no

me: thank you

I get my Kung Fu skills from taking off a sweaty sports bra after a workout.

I wish my ex could look down from heaven see my “look at me now” life!

but nooooo, he’s still alive

Due to traffic, I didn’t show up on time for the start of my wife’s art opening and so for the rest of the evening she introduced me as her late husband.

I can work well with others OR pass a drugs test. I can’t do both.

Sorry that I passed you vapor rub instead of lip balm but your lips do look as robust as fortified wine now…Does that sting?

Starting a YouTube channel where I’ll react to people reacting to people reacting to reaction videos.

Whenever someone says “I’m in a good place,” I want to ask for the address.

My typo game is string.

Forcibly throwing positive energy your way out of spite.

Someone rang my doorbell today and I’ve never Stopped, Dropped, and Rolled under my couch faster.

My doctor says I’ve got to give up poorly thought out fruit-based jokes.
I was peachless when he told me.

Her: Sir, you account has been hacked.
Me: Twitter?
Her: No. Your Bank acc.
Me: Ooooh Thank God.

*buys toddler a dinosaur toothbrush*
[cut to me using my new dinosaur toothbrush]

I love it all

If I get to Heaven the first thing I’m going to ask God is if I should have tipped on carryout orders or not

My mom: The liberals in California are rubbing off on you.

Me: I know, it keeps getting in my hair.

(silence)

If my kids & cat ever get abducted, I would have to admit to the police that I have a thousand recent pics of my cat, but, like, a school photo from last year of my kids.

I don’t always cook dinner but when I do, I use every pan in the kitchen.

I’ve never once used the “C word” in a tweet but I will now!!!!

Cookie.

There, happy now? You cunts.

I want to open a pizza shop called “Cheesus Crust!” Our slogan will be: “Heavenly ingredients, served hot as Hell.” -or- “Crust has risen.”

If someone asks what you are doing on Halloween, earnestly look at the sky & say “I will be reaching my final form.”

When you try to be humble and say it’s no big deal and they agree with you😭.

Sometimes I think I’m the only Brit trying to use up all this spice we stole

Is it proper etiquette to place your phone to the left or right of your silverware at the dinner table?

why worry about today when you can worry about the past present and future simultaneously like a nervous god

writers love saying things like “he had a toothy grin” what is a toothy grin. just making shit up. “he walked feetily into the kitchen” that’s how you sound