I think I speak for all of us when I say I’m being presumptuous.
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Him: I’ve never had any broken bones
Me: *remembers his profile said he loves trying new things* Noted
interviewer: describe yourself in one word
me: great listener
[wife replies to text that I found a genie]
dont do a thing im almost home
[she pulls up and the car from the cars movie is in the driveway]
[How the rap feud started]
Me: can u invite all the rappers to my b’day party?
2pac: sure, no biggie
Biggie[eavesdropping]: [wipes tears]
Have you tried complaining about it for hours?
I’m worried my dog will never find out who’s a good boy.
Me: Just wanted to let you know I named my car after you.
Friend: That’s so sweet, but why?
Me: Because you’re also a wreck.
Me: hey, I’m looking for an email.
iPhone mail: this one from 2012, unrelated to your search?
Me: no it was last week
iPhone: can’t find it.
Just a small bowl of cereal to take the edge off.
*grabs mixing bowl*
Threw some protein bars in the trash & now the raccoons are bench pressing my neighbors Great Dane in the backyard.
no show does a misunderstanding/miscommunication plot better than modern family does 😭
If your surname is Rice and you don’t name your kid, Fried then I can never be friends with you.
When they were saying “we will find a good home for him” I thought they were talking about the dog,I didn’t know they were talking about me!
Rich people don’t understand cereal
this is my favourite piece of literary criticism of all time
My 17yo son goes to the convenience store near our house almost every day (because he eats approximately 20,000 calories a day and it’s the only place around here to get prepared food), and has befriended the Pakistani guy who owns it. Today he went in and the guy gave him a cat?
OMG! It’s colder than a pimps heart out here!
“even if my client did kill his wife, think of the 7.4 billion people he DIDN’T kill.”
– my first and last day as a defense attorney
Don’t cry because it’s over. Cry because you have an extra hour to think about it.
[breaking up yet another fight]
Me: Why do you always fight with your sisters?
6-year-old: Because I always win.
All my scars & bruises tell a story.
The story of a guy who falls down A LOT when he’s drunk.
my gf: this guy is hitting on me, teach him a lesson
me: ok [to guy] tomatoes are technically fruits
I took the battery out of my biological clock and put it in the TV remote.
I feel like HGTV is creating some false expectations for the attractiveness of the contractor you hire for home renovations.
my favorite thing about halloween is watching couples fight, name any other time you get to see a drunk penguin break up with a sobbing deadpool cause he was hitting on a sexy crayola box
ME: Your doll is creeping me out! Is it haunted?
NEW MOM: That’s my baby, you idiot.
when my dog starts eating grass I tell him “no bud that will make you pukey” but he’s seen me down tequila like I’m trying to dissolve my intestines so he can eat a little roadside salad
What do you mean you are supposed to breathe while you eat.
TEACHER: Its report card day Timmy
TIMMY: I’m scared to look.
TEACHER: Don’t worry. It’s all B’s lol
*opens it & gets engulfed by bees*
i hated what my teen was wearing today so i told him i loved it and it looked “dripping bruh”. he changed. follow me for more parenting advice