I think I speak for all of us when I say I’m being presumptuous.
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BRIAN MAY: It was an accident. Let’s dump the body and split, we’ll meet up again this time tomorrow. Remember, no one can know about this. Can’t tell your friends, can’t tell your wives. You can’t even tell your own mamas. Understood?
FREDDIE MERCURY: (already humming) got it
[birth of Jesus]
First Wise Man: Here is some frankincense
Second Wise Man: Got you some myrrh
Third Wise Man: This is gold
First Two Wise Men: Hey, we agreed on a spending limit
receive Botox for severe facial tics and before I get the shots, I smear a numbing cream all over my face (because the shots are painful). When my neurologist came in the room and asked how I was, I said “I can’t feel my face when I’m with you.” I thought it was funny🤷♀️
I feel like Indiana Jones every time I go looking for keys in my purse.
Woman came up to me in Target & whispered, “You have toilet paper hanging out of your shorts.”
I said, “Well don’t you have nerve. No one EVER bothers me about my tail at the WalMart.”
you’ve heard of fomo now get ready for fobi (fear of being included)
ME: I’ll take it
AUTO SALESMAN: this is the car you drove here
ME: perfect
January is the ex boyfriend you shouldn’t drunk text at two a.m.
My boss says I intimidate the other employees, so I just stared at him until he apologized
My toddler has discovered this new thing that makes her laugh uncontrollably and it’s watching her parents try to swat a fly
Computer: Hey can I restart for updates?
Me: No, I’m busy.
Computer: Hey it’s tomorrow can I restart for updates?
Me: No
(A week of this later)
Computer: Hey can I restart for updates?
Me: FINE JUST RESTART HURRY UP
Computer: Haha jk I haven’t downloaded them yet 😀
Sometimes I look at my children and think, “I helped make those,” and then I just want to apologize for what I’ve unleashed on the world.
There’s a new part of my brain aggressively trying to make me completely dedicate my life to becoming an expert on German amusement parks. It’s like “hey dude this stuff might be the most important shit you’ll ever learn” and I’m like christ. You’re probably right
One time I was talking to a really cute med student, we were flirting and laughing and it all looked promising. Then I sat down on a chair and it collapsed under me and shattered.
Anyway that was 26 years ago and I haven’t sat down since.
waitress: and for you?
me: egg
waitress: what does that mean sweetie, can you be more specific
me, carefully cupping my hands into a small oval shape: egg
[wedding]
Priest: repeat after me
Groom: after me
P: … [to bride] is he serious
Bride: no his name is gary
Why did they call it Social Anxiety and not Hey Fever
i will not be silenced
20/__ — Cyclops with perfect vision
5yo just asked for, and I quote, “two fingers of milk” if you’re wondering how parenting during lockdown is going
taking lessons in close up magic so when my kids are teenagers I can “impress” all their friends
ramen noodles. roman numerals. raman numeroodles.
I feel like Donald Trump and Bill Clinton have a $1 bet that Trump can make Hillary president and Bill can make her not president.
HEIST MASTERMIND: There’s laser tripwires everywhere, so be careful.
GUY WHO ALWAYS OPENS BAGS OF M&Ms WAY TOO HARD: Got it.
This elevator skit is so incredibly simple
And I think that’s what makes it perfect.
I have to go stand in line at Gamestop now because I had a careless night of unprotected sex 13 years ago and Halo 5 is out today.
Coworker: how was your thanksgiving?
Me: ……….. I assume you want me to hear about yours?
Please don’t make me choose pickup or delivery to see your online menu, I just want to practice my drive-thru order
Ever pick a booger so big that you get it out and suddenly it’s like you’re on top of a mountain, inhaling the world’s largest and most refreshing breath of air that ever was breathed?