I think I speak for everyone when I say how dare you, Oreo serving size, how dare you.
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I read an article that began “During the pandemic, with the implementation of distance learning…” and was surprised it didn’t end “came an uptick in nervous breakdowns of parents everywhere.”
Maybe if Red Bull gave me buffalo wings i’d give a shit.
Gonna drink a 42 hour energy so I can send three emails
The problem with spices is sometimes they are not what you want, what you really really want…
Every time I see a person handing out flyers it blows my mind that some people actually get paid to distribute garbage to strangers.
*packs 12 books to read on vacation*
im gona read so much i cant wait
[1 wk later]
*opens suitcase*
*somhow has 16 unread books now*
wat the
who called it a dinosaur rap battle instead of a reptile diss function
I wanted to buy Mariah Carey’s preferred brand of mouthwash, but my wife insisted we purchase Celine Dion’s. So we split up, citing irreconcilable diva rinses.
One of the hotels in town has just refurbished their lobby area, and it looks like their rivals are going to do the same. Sometimes you just have to fight foyer with foyer.
Today is the day I write something beautifully profound
No. That was it. I’m going back to bed
My daughter does this thing where she copies EVERYTHING the dog does; Bark, beg, fetch etc. It was adorable!
Until the dog humped the couch
[putting an old car in reverse] oh this takes me back
“Go clean up your mansion!!!!!”
-My orthodontist, to his children, probably.
Honk if you are flying south for the winter in a V formation.
the toddler refers to every baby as Baby [Name], like Baby is their formal title
Today, I realized that I am half-centaur.
My friend couldn’t pay his water bill…
so I’ve sent him a “Get well soon” card.#WorldWaterDay
Mermaids are a lot less sexy when their top half’s the fish part.
The baby’s favorite food is strawberries and she calls them, “the babies.” We got looks in the store when she asked loudly to eat the babies
PET PEEVE: Why do we call them baby names? They’re HUMAN NAMES. They don’t expire as you grow up.
I’ve kept my tamagotchi alive for the past 15 years, so yeah Mom, I know what it’s like to raise an “ungrateful little prick”
It’s amazing how water drops from my shower make little faces all around.
I see Mona Lisa on the wall,
A cute Pikachu on the glass,
And my neighbor’s face in the bathroom window.
“We all have two lives. The second begins when you realize you only have one.”
~ Tom Hiddleston
i just want a guy i can call papi (not in the grandpa way)
Japan’s theme parks have banned screaming on roller coasters because it spreads coronavirus. “Please scream inside your heart.”
#BlowsMyMind how straight of a line I can walk
Me: how was your date?
Friend: I ruined her panties.
M: Wow that’s hot man.
F: No she got food poisoning from my cooking, bro.
Bruce Wayne could prevent so much more crime if he just used his vast fortune to buy up all the Gotham tri-state area abandoned chemical plants and dilapidated amusement parks.
Moms that name their daughters Stacy are the real narcissists.