I think I speak for everyone when I say how dare you, Oreo serving size, how dare you.
You Might Also Like
For anyone interested, you’ll find my complete Windows 8.1 review below:
Still sucks.
My location is on so my wife can see that I am where I say I am.
My wife’s location is on so I can hide the drinking glass and start cleaning while she’s on her way home from work.
It’s OK, The Phantom Menace. I also came out in 1999 and am a bit disappointing
*hannibal lecter’s shopping list*
fava beans
a nice chianti
dave
Wife is angry because “somebody” dripped grape jelly onto the dog’s head.
It feels very accusatory.
Disney’s Aladdin taught me that as long as you have a foundation of lies, a monkey, actual magic, and one of you is rich, a relationship can work.
This is bullshit. Panic bought this 100 lb bag of rice when quarantine started; only eaten a fistful because it’s all sharp and hard and crunchy, NOT like in the restaurants.
*Corrects the grammar on your Christmas card and mails it back*
Just remembered when out of embarrassment I told a train passenger I was crying because my boyfriend dumped me when the real reason was I was listening to the Lion King soundtrack
I’ve seen almost 400 kung-fu and wuxia movies over the past three years, so when I say I’ve never seen a fight like this before, it’s not hyperbole
(Drunken Dragon/Exciting Dragon – dir. Chiu Chung-Hing, 1985)
I didn’t know they can drive…
I’m not saying iPhone’s are overpriced, but with the money I saved by buying an Android, I bought a Tesla, a Rolex and a trip to Hawaii.
professor x: what’s your power
me: time travel and a full head of hair lol
professor x: get out
[5 seconds later]
professor x: what’s your power
me, wearing a hat: time travel
“How do you speak with an American accent?”
“Well, imagine vowels killed your parents, and you’re out for revenge.”
They say too much sex causes memory loss.
I read this in a medical journal, on Tuesday, December 4th, 1995, at 2:45, in my doctor’s office. The man sitting next to me had dark hair, was wearing a blue shirt, and had a scar on his hand.
find these 10 emoji for no good reason
If you play the movie Jaws backwards it’s basically a story about a shark with bulimia.
Despite popular opinion, you can eat fire. You just can’t eat it twice.
I just ate the last piece of cheese in the fridge and it’s cloudy outside.
🎶 Ain’t no sunshine when cheese gone.
Sorry not sorry.
A smart woman knows when to give up and walk away
A southern woman has a shotgun and a shovel named give up and walk away
My 5yo has come up with bedtime topics such as how elephants give birth, how the sun produces heat, and natural disasters.
my grandpa lived on the ninth floor of his building and he’d still tell you to get off his lawn
Air conditioning so extreme, you could grow penguins in the living room.
Much to my husband’s dismay, I have discovered the show Blue Bloods. I love it and he absolutely hates it. I said, “Do you know how many shows you love that I hate but I watch anyway? It’s called marriage.” He said, “Ok, fine.”
Friends, I googled and there are 293 episodes.
There’s never enough good news
Me, 87 times before falling asleep: want to go outside???
Dog: meh
Me *falls asleep*
Dog: hey stupid wake up I need to go out
One minute you’re wild and free, the next you’re standing in Walmart trying to decide between the green and red lid Tupperware sets.
Baby detective: These stab wounds here, they-
*coroner covers the body with a sheet*
Baby: OH MY GOD. THE BODY! ITS GONE! WHERE DID IT GO