I think I speak for everyone when I say how dare you, Oreo serving size, how dare you.
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We’re all searching for that magical connection & mine came in the form of a chicken wing.
curiouse george 2: 2 fast 2 curious
They say the camera adds 10 lbs.
Looks like fast food added the other 40.
I never claimed to have all the answers. I said two. I have two answers. There’s a guy in Nebraska who has six. Go bother him.
[speed dating]
Me “Why are you covered in blood?”
Her “it’s just a conversation starter!
Me:…
Her: And it worked! So… what blood type are you?”
the children’s version of “The Catcher In The Rye” is called “My Little Phony”
I’m throwing a surprise 40th birthday party for my friend this weekend. He’s 34 so it’ll definitely work.
if i had an evangelical homie i’d be doing this all the time
My ex-gf has a new bf named Mike so I asked him if Mike is short for Micycle. now I have a black eye but it was totally worth it bc it turns out the guy RIDES A BIKE FOR FUN
Do you ever have irrational anger at some random person in your life you will never see again? For me it’s that lady who woke me up for snoring during Cats.
Netflix: are you still watching
Alexa: yeah he’s here
Me: 😳
I have all of the qualities men want in an ex-wife and none of the ones they want in a girlfriend.
*at family function..
*superglues jenga tower
When a store says “trusted since 1982” I just wonder what shady shit they were up to in 1981.
Caesar salads are prepared differently than garden salads…Notably, the head of lettuce is first attacked by 40-50 knife-wielding senators.
“Ok i’ll bite”
*literally any cat i try to be nice to
Reminding Dad I’m too old for adoption really bums him out because that was one of his favorite threats when I was growing up
I’ll totally stroke your ego while you’re replacing my windshield wipers for me ’cause I’m nice like that
Dear autocorrect, at no point in time have I meant to say “I’m affordable” instead of “I’m adorable”. Stop embarrassing me.
[stands on other side of glass door & ruffles hair as everyone watches, then enters office]
Me: sorry I’m late, I hate this place & everyone here
*ship enters earth atmosphere*
Alien 1: Finally a signal *turns radio on*
*Ed Sheeran ‘Shape Of You’ plays*
Alien 2: SO sick of this guy OMG
Hide and seek, except it’s my husband searching for where he last put his pants.
At the end of “Grease,” the car just started flying and everyone was all, “Aw, good for them.”
Aquarius: Your career is moving forward this week. Not with you, of course. Wave to it as it drives away in a new Lamborghini.
me: what’s the difference between an american and an australian spider?
date: i don’t know
me: one is a spider you idiot
Sure visiting family can be hard but it’s also the most efficient way to explain to your partner why you are the way you are
So, no one told my 13yo that spoons can’t go in the microwave.
How’s your day
When I took improv 101 in 2013, there was a guy who would make every single scene about a high school reunion. Made me feel like he took the class just to prepare for any possible scenario that could happen at an upcoming high school reunion
Inflation has gotten so bad, the 7-Eleven changed its name to the 9-Thirteen.
There aren’t too many jobs where you sit around the break room and say “Today I got gonorrhea, and last week I got syphilis,” unless you’re library workers talking about recent reference questions.