I think I sprained my hot dog eatin’ wrist
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[tearing off our clothes]
Her: I want you. Take off your shoes.
*kicks flip-flop through her TV*
Stop telling me velociraptor was the size of a large turkey. You’re ruining everything.
You can’t spell fries without friends. I guess what I’m saying is that fries are friends. Delicious friends.
My 4yo sang Old MacDonald but in his version “on that farm he was a cow” which was a plot twist M. Night Shyamalan would be proud of
ME: [spotting Diane across the room] Diane!
ANNE: ARE YOU THREATENING ME?!
Photographer: Ok. You two hold hands, & u, in the back, hold a gun to that guy’s head. Nice. I’ll add blush in post.
Wait….making the right choices is an option?!
*crying and eating cookie dough ice cream*
HUSBAND: Did you have a bad day?
ME: No. Why?
I bet they all call me paranoid behind my back?!
It finally happened. A real human asked me to write an obit that stated “he died doing what he loved” and it took everything in me to keep my shit together about that.
therapist: would some music help you feel more centered?
me: no thanks, I’m self-centered
therapist: again, that’s why we’re here
[at doctor]
can u cough for me please?
*coughs*
again please
*coughs*
i see i see. i’m afraid you have a cough
You can’t make this shit up 😩
(photo not mine, nor is the pooh)
[at the drug store]
Employee: May I help you, sir?
Me (nervously): YEAH, I’M LOOKING FOR SOMETHING CALLED A “CHILL PILL”
[high school]
Teacher: do u have your homework?
Ryan Lochte: I was murdered last night
At a red light:
Me: *turns to face car next to me*
*rolls down window*
Guy: *looks*
Me: *loudly sings song*
*dances*
G: *panicked look*
Me: I need a simple, easy hobby to relax and clear my mind
Also me: I will teach myself metalworking techniques from the Middle Ages
Uh oh I opened a package of cookies without washing my hands first and for my family’s safety will have to eat the whole thing
Um … Hot Wings please
You’re not an “empath”.
You have “chronic heartburn”.
I know everything is expensive right now, but just remember correcting people’s grammar online is still free.
If you don’t answer your kid’s tenth “MOM!”, I will…and what I say will keep them awake for 3 days. Better ask “what?”
me: any clue how my house burned down
detective: fireworks
me: *sadly* yeah I guess it does
me: i would like a *prepares to wow vietnamese waiter with my attention to pronunciation* “pho”
korean waiter: we do not serve this dish
I once lip locked the soft ice dispenser at Dairy Queen until the manager had to hit me with a mop. So I know a little bit about rejection.
A pleasant day enough to misarrange slightly some words.
My thoughts are with you but my prayers are reserved for Kelly on FB that’s cooking a casserole for the first time.
demon: ur punishment in hell has been tailored just for u
me: ok
demon: u have to enter a long wifi password for eternity & it’ll never work
Every house has this drawer
murderer: [rips open my shower curtain] why are you wearing shoes