I think I sprained my hot dog eatin’ wrist
You Might Also Like
Interesting that the homeless population is down and now there is a big sale of unlabeled meat at the grocery store.
I hate when people say “I’d give up my first born child for that.”
If you really want to entice me, offer to raise one of mine.
People don’t know this but there’s no section in the criminal code that prohibits you from training pigeons to pick pocket tourists.
I prayed and accidentally mixed up God and Lord and said Gord. So embarrassing.
*putting wrinkle cream on my crow’s feet*
HOLD STILL, MR. VANDERBEAK!
“What character would I like to see throwing up in a parking lot?”
-How I pick my Halloween costume
me at the door waiting for my grubhub chicky wings
Love is courageous, but so is arm wrestling a bear and you don’t see anyone suggesting that.
*16 calls me at office*
16: Are you stopping at the grocery store tonight?
Me: No
16: You’re out of beer
Me: Ok I will, what do you want?
ME: [getting pistol whipped] hey everyone, look at this idiot who thinks his gun is a whip
My husband sending mixed signals like, insisting we reduce our online shopping, but also buying and installing a bigger mailbox that “Holds a lot more.”
So I taught myself how to juggle chainsaws from a YouTube video and let’s just say this took me twenty minutes to type out one handed
Had a big fall out with wife and ended up sleeping in my office for a week. Boss saw I was still there when she left each night and there before her each morning and gave me a promotion. Wife and I sorted things out too, best fight ever.
Marriage is like Disneyland. Magical at first but then you realize that there’s someone else in the Mickey suit.
OF COURSE I’m not on my first box of Christmas Tree Cakes! ARE YOU NUTS?!… I’m on my second.
A 5 day juice diet. They said I would “feel it” working in just 5 days. They were right, I’ve never felt more hungry in all my life.
An elementary school teacher’s most important job is to tell one kid per year they’ll never amount to shit in order to spark their rap career
“All I ever wanted to do is make a difference.” – Subtraction Man
I can understand your anger at me, but what could you possibly have against the horse I rode in on?
“More than 1 way to skin a cat” – “Killing 2 birds with 1 stone” – Running like a chicken with its head cut off”
— who ARE we???
God: you’re a decapod.
Crab: what does that mean?
God: it means you have 10 legs.
Crab: b-but that’s too many legs.
God: at least you don’t have a hundred.
Crab: why would someone have a hundred legs?
Centipede: yes God why would someone have a hundred legs?
My son asked me where poo came from. I was a little uncomfortable but gave him an honest answer. He looked perplexed and stared at me for a minute then asked….and tigger???
Husband: Why are you always talking to yourself?
Me: Because she agrees with me.
Also me, to me: Is he always like this?
Then darkness fell upon the Earth, and the demons rose to torture and feast on our souls.
CW: Jeeze Ange, it was just a cloud, lighten up.
I think I’m finally ready to find a boyfriend!
*Looks behind drapes
*Checks under the bed
*Searches back of closetIt’s so hard to meet people these days
Alexa, give me the winning lottery numbers for tonight
My stepson and his friend are driving around in my car. If he wrecks it, I have insurance. If he plays Nickelback in it, I’ll murder him.
Boss: It’s Labor Day. Everyone gets the day off to celebrate all the hard work they do during the year.
Me: Is that why I’m-
Boss: That’s why you’re working.
i wish it was legal to leave the house without spending at least $100 but they actually shoot you execution style if you try
If you believe a food is 0 calories hard enough, it becomes true.
Follow me for more health advice