I think I sprained my hot dog eatin’ wrist
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*bunny hops to the smell of bacon cooking
Never go to bed angry. Stay up and finish the argument like an adult
Parental PSA: 6 days left until Halloween.
(Translation: 5 days until your child decides she hates the costume she picked a month ago & wants that a different one. No, not the one in stock- THAT OTHER ONE.)
Me: My name is Helen and I think I may be an alcoholic
Insurance Agent: Lady this is AAA, not AA
Me: Oh I know. I’m just telling you the story of how my car ended up in a tree
One of life’s great pleasures is to watch two idiots agree on something and then hear one of them say “Great minds think alike”.
I’m in trouble with the wife because I toss and turn so much she can’t lean the iPad against me while watching her show about a lady who murders her husband.
*swishing the vaccine around in my arm like it’s a fancy wine*
My kids are really competing for least favorite today.
me: well it’s technically the bride of frankenstein’s monster
hostage negotiator: we should get back on topic
thank god Hinge doesn’t do a year end wrapped. I would have to walk into the sea with pockets full of stones
*flashlight under chin*
Me: And then the accountant told her how many more years she had to work until retirement.
*all the adults scream*
the coronavirus pandemic taught me that life is short and politicians are willing to make it shorter
Judging by this sunburn, I’d say the sunscreen I lathered on earlier was SPF goddamn liar.
I guess someone’s New Year’s resolution was to crop dust me at the grocery store.
mechanic: i’m gonna have to replace your brakes
me: with what
Cool shirt 🙂
I only say stupid things when I talk.
When a patron comes into the library the Saturday after Thanksgiving and asks “What’s the right way to cook a turkey,” I know I’m being asked not to provide practical information but rather to get involved in a heated family dispute
Me: one taco without strawberries
Taco Bell guy: strawberries?
Me: no thank you
Me: I’m going to eat healthy from now on
Pizza: *exists*
Me: never mind
hi friends- for the new year I’m taking a break from life so I can focus on social media. if you need me you can find me here, constantly
Interviewer: “How much time would you spend on an issue before realizing you can’t fix it yourself and moving on?”
Me: “Well that’s subjective. I wasted a decade on a failed marriage, but I’d call tech support in like 5 mins.”
Exec 1: So, you wait in long lines. No shade. Crying kids. Drinks cost $7.00.
Exec 2: Nice. What do we call it?
E1: Lol, “amusement park.”
[1917]
allied soldier: my god this world war 1 is horrible
another soldier: wait, why did u call it that- are we gonna do this AGAIN
A fun way to spice up any marriage is to surprise your spouse by doing a chore and then when they thank you, reply with “no problem, somebody had to do it.”
Quitting the gym because it’s easier, quicker and cheaper to simply invite my friends over for dinner every day and make them fatter than me
But most of all, I regret that my actions have led to negative consequences for me
@thefunnytweeter With the way my diet is going, I think I’ll be much more slimmer after this quarantine.
Statistician here. I work on massive public datasets for multiple government departments, who must never find out that I remember the difference between the greater than > and less than < symbols by muttering under my breath “the crocodile eats the bigger number”.
airports should have little side-quests available for ppl stuck in a layover