Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My save for later cart on Amazon is up to about $1.3 million dollars.

She: It’s not working between us
He: Why?
She: For starters, I can’t handle your silly jokes
He: Hmm, okay and for main course?

People who talk with your phone on speaker like it’s a Star Trek Communicator –
we’re trying to have a society here. And everyone hates you.

Me: How long have we had that pillow?
Wife: No idea
Memory foam pillow: Two years, five months and two days

Hate when the grammar police single me out like some kind of which hunt

I have unresolved anger issues with all the pistachio nuts I ever failed to open.

a guy just bought my red bull for me at the gas station so i think we’re married now.

If you’re trying to console someone who has a tattoo with their ex’s name on and they just broke up, don’t say ‘haha that’s tattoo bad.’

Me: *cooking a Caribbean meal*

Her: smells great in there, and I hear you’re playing a little steel drum music to get us in the mood

Me: *frantically scraping cremated jerk chicken from pan* steel drum music, yes

Not enough drugs in the world that would make me strip in front of a webcam. But a bottle of wine should do it.

I asked my kid what they actually do during a half day at school. He said “I don’t know, but we eat lunch early and there is less time for Nico to pee on the floor”

Whenever you ride an elevator with other people, it’s best not to mention your imaginary friends even if someone is standing on Carl.

Craving that feeling of immediate regret? Invite someone to your house. Works for me

*Backstreet Boys voice*

Am I acceptable?

The manual for my motorized wheelchair says “Do not operate while tired. ” I haven’t moved in six years.

Please don’t make me choose pickup or delivery to see your online menu, I just want to practice my drive-thru order

I’m okay, you?
Yea. Not bad. You?
Yea. Not too bad. Wby?
Yea I’m okay. You okay?
Yes. Not bad. You?
Not too bad. You?
Yes I’m alright. You okay?
Yes ya know. The usual. You okay?
I’m okay thanks. How’re you?
I’m okay thanks. You okay?
I’m okay
Good
Okay
Bye then
Bye

nobody

literally nobody

my mom to our uber driver: so tell me all about yourself

Twitter is for people who tried suffering in silence and realized it wasn’t for them.

My lawn care company sent me an email saying, “We like to feed it before we seed it,” and I was like damn, they stole my game.

This isn’t fat this is a stockpile. I’m doomsday prepping.

Wife just fell off the bed and I laughed so hard that I’ll be sleeping on the couch tonight.

[orders pizza]

Would you also like our cheesy bread, comes with sauce?

Are you trying to sell me a side of pizza with my pizza? 2 please.

My kids would rather hide a plate in the most obscure, hard to reach places in our home just so they don’t have to take a 5 second walk and return it to our kitchen.

If you can’t be with the dog you love, pat the dog you’re with.

Mambo Number Five, but it’s a list of all the serial killers you dated without ever realizing it

When I sign an email “Yours” it’s not a term of endearment— it means this email is now yours I’m done with it get it away from me.

boss: where have you been for the past seven days

me: in bed

boss: but i said sleep was for the weak

Computer keyboards should have a removable crumb tray, like toaster ovens.