I think I stand a pretty good chance this year. I hear the Simpson kid is down two more toes.
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Everybody mad at me like it’s common knowledge to wait til after the eulogy before you start clapping. Sorry I didn’t go to funeral college.
*waits until you fall asleep*
*tests out his new retractable air horn*
“funeral” and “badminton” should just swap their first 3 letters
[walks into restaurant] hello, do you serve chicken?
hostess: we sure do
[holding the door for my chicken friend] perfect
Finding a guy to marry who is rich enough to pay off my debt, but not so rich he wants a prenup is, like, so much harder than I anticipated.
If the Amish don’t use curse words, how does Amish Tourette’s sound?
“Beards!”
“Churning Butter!”
“Bonnets!”
my husband was trying to talk about Shrek but he couldn’t remember Shrek’s name (Shrek) so he called him “summertime grinch”
fruit vendors are just vegan butchers.
I’m up at 5 am, knocking things off my to do list before half of you are even awake. Get on my level
date: what do u do
me: well u know big bird
date: omg. u play him
me: no *places a crossbow on the table* i hunt him
Snap: i’m snap
Crackle: i’m crackle
Dad: hi snap and crackle i’m pop
Turning on a guy is like flipping a light switch. Turning on a woman is like wiring that switch & then building a nuclear plant to power it.
Me: oh man, I love the 80s
My grandparents: we have names
It’s a good thing the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles wore masks, or people might have recognized the 4 giant turtles at their day jobs.
Life is like a box of chocolates, once you have kids it’s gone.
Lackadaisical: when you have misplaced your daisical.
Nephew: Hey, Uncle Jesus, can you buy me and my friends some beer?
Jesus: No, but I can get you wine. Let’s go over to the water cooler, shall we.
Enjoy visiting French vineyards? Then our flight school might be just what you’re looking for.
When my laptop asks “Are you sure?”, it’s because it still remembers all of the other bad decisions I have made.
inventor: “i’ve made the most realistic sex doll in the world, ask it something”
me: “ok, um.. shall we go upstairs?”
doll: “i like you as a friend”
me:
inventor:
me: “do you have anything less realistic”
doctor: I’m afraid it’s bad news
me: omg, me too
Me: My name is Helen and I think I may be an alcoholic
Insurance Agent: Lady this is AAA, not AA
Me: Oh I know. I’m just telling you the story of how my car ended up in a tree
The bad news is your life flashes before your eyes a lot once your teenagers start driving. The good news is you can have that margarita at lunch.
i meant to share this earlier
Pro tip: Next time you’re at a bar, go up to a woman & whisper “Hey, wanna get outta here?”
If she says yes, you can sit where she was.
i love that bands still pretend to leave before their encore. like peekaboo for adults
me on ellen
ellen: so i heard you love the ocean
me: ya
(the studio starts flooding)
me: omg ellen you didn’t
2 found a calculator and is typing away very intensely on it
I call her name and I got a dirty look and a very nasty “Hold on!”, and back to typing
So I’ve decided to say her name 32 times, ask for juice 15 times, ask for 58 snacks, and have 3 meltdowns
My doctor told me I have high blood pressure and short term memory loss.
At least I don’t have high blood pressure.
As the mother of two kids under 5, I’m always playing a game I call “Is this normal, or is my child a sociopath?”