“I think I stepped in some upchuck”
What’s up, Chuck?
“Not much, but my name’s not Chuck”
*vomits*
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My safe word is Worcestershire
How long do you have to stop eating a meal before calling it leftovers?
*on phone*
He: so where is this going, babe?
Me: *dumps pop rocks into mouth* I can’t hear you…reception’s bad!!
A word of caution from someone who took two (2) of his kids to their initial orthodontist appointments today: Before you decide that you can afford to have children, remember that children have teeth.
People assume I am stupid because I am nice and smiley and a helper and that’s working out for me so why fight it
An owl showing some catlike behavior.
[opening birthday cards]
me: [disappointed] there’s no money in any of these
walmart clerk: put those back
Sure, being a lion tamer is dangerous but have you ever gotten a haircut while you had the hiccups?
I’m watching Fatal Attraction to refresh my psycho skills
Not sure if the bulb for my check engine light finally burned itself out or if my car magically fixed itself, but I’m going with the latter
I’m not trying to tell you young brothers how to sell ya demo tapes, but those people charging their Tesla in public can’t go anywhere for 15 to 20 minutes. Just walk up and start freestyling. Freestyle to enough Tesla owners sooner or later you hittin somebody in the industry.
[sees my dentist in the store]
*really loud fake phone call voice*
me: ya I’m just picking up some floss cause I ran out probably because I floss every day idk
Nothing is impossible…except for my daughter returning home with the hat and gloves she wore to school this morning.
Being a baby must be scary, imagine sleeping at home & you wake up at TJMAXX
“What’s wrong with you?”
Me: the same things that are always wrong with me…were you expecting something new?
[father and son riding bikes together]
dad, how’d you get so good?
[doing a wheelie] I’ve had a lot of DUIs
Genie: and for your last wish?
Me: I wish I could reverse age a few years.
*wakes up with a pimple the size of Australia*
Me: NOT LIKE THIS!!!
Sleepy cop goes undercover, under blankets, onto pillow, next to teddy bear.
Him: I like your vest.
Me [not wearing a vest, but I have 2 dogs and haven’t vacuumed in a while]: Thanks.
Boss: hey greg meet your new coworker please don’t accuse him of being a dinosaur
me: I won’t I’m not an idiot
Coworker: hey nice to meet u I’m Ptery
me: *eyes narrow*
You want real 2020 energy? I went to the woods to avoid COVID and now helicopters are flying over my cabin because a killer is on the loose
Aw! She reminds me of me when I was in college!
“And on the 7th day, He rested.”
Yeah, because He didn’t have any kids yet
Dracula: I vant to suck your blood
Me: well technically, no — you don’t suck what you’re drinking. You want to suck my NECK
Dracula: vhoa
Once there was a dead bat in our driveway, but he shrieked at me when I tried to pick him up and that’s how I found out dead bats are jerks.
Sesame Street: this is an educational show
Me: oh yeah? what type of bird is that
Sesame Street: *flustered* a big one
Person: “I have a friend in a wheelchair, do you know him?”
Me [from my wheelchair]: “I have a friend who’s stupid, do you know him?”
To clean them like a pro without leaving any traces, you’ll have to wash your hands like a politician
There are 7 members of Maroon 5 and now I can’t trust anything anymore