“I think I stepped in some upchuck”
What’s up, Chuck?
“Not much, but my name’s not Chuck”
*vomits*
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Trevor eventually flunked out of dentistry school
I hate it when people don’t know the difference between “You’re” and “Your”
There stupid…
seems like a niche market
I just want a man who’ll drag me to the bedroom, throw me on the bed & do dirty dishes while I take a nap. Is that too much to ask for?
Just once I’d like a number between 1 and 10 to think of me.
The hoodie & shorts combo outfit, because you almost understand how body heat works.
Me: wow this scratch n sniff sticker smells really good
Him: that’s my bandaid
What do we want?
ROCK HARD ABS!
When do we want them?
THE DAY AFTER THE HOLIDAYS ARE OVER!
The best part of an argument is the make up sex…unless you’re fighting with your brother.
Guy threw a banana peel out the window into my lane 2day. Yrs of practice paid off and I arrived to work safely. Thank you Mario Kart.
Anyone else having trouble with their Satnav today?
I typed in ‘Cowes’ and it’s brought me here. 🤷♂️
Lie about the gap in your resume. Tell them you had to help hobbits take a ring to Mordor or something
*acts sassy*
*flips hair*
*walks into a wall*
Politician: I love democracy!
Me: I’m voting for The other candidate.
Politician: not like that
One time my husband asked me to dance for him and I performed the entire Lion King musical to the best of my ability.
me: I saw our neighbor walking his dog at 6 AM and he looked so unhappy
wife: maybe the two are related?
me: no, I think they’re just good friends
6yo: I got dressed, took my vitamins and got my cereal.
Me: My baby is all grown up, she doesn’t need me anymore! [Sobbing]
6yo: Ummmm well I still can’t spell supercalifragilisticexpialidocious!
Me: ᴺᵉᶦᵗʰᵉʳ ᶜᵃⁿ ᴵ [sobbing]
I asked my 13-year-old what time I need to pick her up tonight. She told me to check the practice schedule she already gave me. That’s the kid version of “as per my last email.”
FYI: I guess the goal of bobbing for apples is not who can drink all the water.
I’m pretty confident I can perform this Appendectomy on myself.
Thanks YouTube
Hell yes, I have the body of a Greek god: nice abs, expressionless eyes, genitals shot off by bored soldiers during The Franco-Prussian War
*sticks hand into jean pocket*
Aw damn, why in the hell do I have bbq sauce in my pocket?
*checks other pocket and finds nuggets*
Oh, ok.
[Picasso’s Blue Period]
Picasso: holy shit, call a gynecologist
*Taking my mom to a place she’s never been*
My mom: Are you sure you’re going the right way?
Any job that calls u a rockstar just know they’re underpaying u
Nothing more humbling than being at a karaoke birthday party with a bunch of singers.
almost feel bad for the wealthy folks that gotta buy things like cobwebs and rats and bats and haunted skeletons of their landlord to decorate their house for Halloween I got all that for free
8:00 AM: Too tired to think
Noon: Too tired to think
5:00 PM: Too tired to think
Midnight: How do dragons blow out candles??