i think i understand why rhinos are going extinct
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[aquarium]
me: look at the chorse
wife: it’s seahorse
me: i know how to spell chorse linda
me: [sets to bed time reminders on my Fitbit to be responsible]
Later that night
Fitbit: time for bed
me: DON’T TELL ME WHAT TO DO
[pet store]
Me: do you have any marmosets?
Clerk: no we don’t sell—
Me: okay, just one marmo then
The first time I ever had sushi some of the avocado fell out and as I was talking I mistook the chunk of wasabi for it.
This pretty much sums up my life choices.
Luke: Did you get the card I made you?
Vader: I couldn’t read it. Your handwriting is awful.
Luke: I HAD TO WRITE WITH MY LEFT HAND.
Me: Wanna high five with our hearts?
Teammate: For the last time. It’s called a chest bump.
I thought I Kuwait but
then I Saudi Turkey
and my Bahrain was like
Oman I Israel Hungary
so Iran.
CHILD: I thought you liked Froot Loops.
TOUCAN SAM: *eating an egg salad sandwich he brought from home* Look, kid, it’s just a job.
12 was not amused when I made the comment of how good ‘we’ did on candy tonight
Game of Thrones: Now with 100 percent more zombies! The Walking Dead should fire back by adding kingdoms.
My son’s impression of me is just him staring at his palm.
[Wedding Open Bar in my 20s]
Woohoo! Imma get sooo wasted!![Wedding Open Bar in my 40s]
Woohoo! Imma save maybe $11!
I call my mother twice a week. Or as she refers to it, “Never.”
“Hi I’m an evil ghost with the ability to defy time & space, but I think the best example of my powers will be to slightly close this door.”
Went to the zoo yesterday and got to hear my kid and their friends argue “I saw the animal first!” at each stop, in case you were thinking of doing that soon.
5 cats in this house and not one will ride the Roomba WHAT A JOKE.
not being able to fall asleep is so embarrassing. All I’m asking my brain to do is nothing and it can’t even do that?
Just saw a BMW double-parked at the grocery store. Nature is healing.
My self help-seminar, “Stop Blaming Others” canceled due to my incompetent staff.
Me: Are you gonna change your name after we get married?
Her: Yes
Me: What do you think of “Jessica Rabbit”?
“I know not with what weapons World War III will be fought, but World War IV will be fought with sticks and stones.”
It isn’t aging very well, but In fairness, Einstein probably didn’t know the third one would be fought with hand sanitizer
My husband says I’m not heavy enough to make an impact when I stand on him to massage him so I now have the perfect excuse to eat all the cake
I just apologized profusely to a spider as I was killing it. The spider is also Canadian so it said “oh yeah no for sure, it’s ok.”
Only 99 problems?
Pfft. Amateur.
“this is the biggest toilet I’ve ever seen”
Maybe the refrigerator doesn’t see anything it wants in you either.
The inventor of the condom was a hardwear engineer
…and send
It doesn’t come up often in the movie, but one weapon we have against Predator is a handful of glitter.
[hears baby crying in the next room]
“It’s ok, I’ll go.”
[gets in car & goes to a motel]
my wife keeps complaining about me leaving my stuff around the house. It’s like she doesn’t even know how feng shui works.