i think i understand why rhinos are going extinct
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My signature sex move is what I call “The Heinz Ketchup”.
That’s where I flip you over and spank your bottom until you give me what I want.
in grade 3 we wrote an essay about “would u rather be a big fish in a smal pond or a smal fish in a big pond” and i wrote “can i be a frog”
Every time I have to get a new driver’s license it is impossible for me to achieve. I cannot collect four documents with my name on it. I simply cannot!!! I don’t know where any are. I will drive you over to my house and show you my stuff to prove I live there and can drive.
My wife would bring a hoodie to the Sun “just in case.”
Too many catfish out there. Verify your identity by posting yourself holding a spoon. I’ll go first
Have you ever felt like something was touching your face at night? Don’t you worry. It’s just a MOTH, DRINKING YOUR TEARS WHILE YOU SLEEP.
Ok I’ve been on tinder, bumble and hinge. Any dating apps for single people?
PORCUPINE LAWYER: I object, your Honor! He’s badgering the witness!
BADGER LAWYER: Your Honor, he’s being a prick!
SKUNK JUDGE: [slamming gavel] Odor! Odor in the court!
Satanic ritual canceled. The goats keeps eating the sacred parchment paper.
*eats French fries out of a pack of cigarettes*
i haven’t seen a squirrel outside lately and now all of the sudden taco bell selling wings.. something ain’t right
Me: How dilated is she?
Nurse: 4 centimeters.
Me: This is America.
Nurse: 0.000198838 furlongs.
barista: room for cream?
me: oh you must be new *puts hand on his shoulder* that’s called a refrigerator
WIFE: I can’t believe you ruined my birthday yesterday
ME: What a load of bollocks, Karen. I didn’t even know it was your birthday
[in Starbucks]
“It’s Ian with one i”.
“We only need your first name Mr Wivwanaye”.
Professor X: What’s your power?
Me: I can turn ice into cats.
Professor X: That’s ridiculous.
Police: [busting in] You’re all under arrest!
Me: I got this!
Polecats: Sonofa…
Anytime I switch deodorants, it’s like a sexy stranger is following me around all day
No one:
Me trying to remember the person’s name I just met as they’re still talking:
Me: *gives a detailed explanation of the law based on 20 years of experience as an attorney*
Female client: My husband said the exact opposite of what you told me.
Me: Where did your husband go to law school?
Client: He didn’t.
Me: So you should probably just do what he says.
ME: There’s something disgusting in my food
WAITER: Our plates are reflective
Sister: And you definitely know how to do this sawing trick?
Me: Yes of course I…oh no
Half sister: what
Uber driver, “You know, if they had Uber back in my day, I wouldn’t have all these DUIs.”
Me, {opens door} “I’ll just get out right here.”
Police Officer: You know, this is a one way street?
Me: I was only going one way…
Hot singles in your area!
They don’t want to talk to you. But they’re there.
Synchronized diving would be far more interesting without the pool.
Her: Does that dog actually play chess?
Me: He’s not so smart. I beat him 2 games out of 3.
*Dog Barks
Me: Alright, 1 game out of 3.
If a stranger starts talking to me in an elevator I say “I don’t want to talk in case we get stuck and I have to eat you” that usually shuts them up.
The first five days after the weekend are the worst.
Mom can you come pick me up? My in-laws are being racist again
You look like the kinda person who eats the DO NOT EAT silica packets