i think i understand why rhinos are going extinct
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Brain: That guy is annoyed at you. You should feel terrible about it.
Me: But I hate that guy. I shouldn’t care what he thinks of me.
Brain: Yeah, but you do.
is this meant to deter me
(painted my 7yr old’s nails)
7: I know you did the best you could, it’s just that, the colors we’re supposed to have an ombré effect.
Me: Oh, an ombré effect. Well, if you’re dissatisfied with the service please feel free to leave a negative review for my non existent nail salon.
How we’re different…
You threw a penny in the well & wished for a pony.
I threw a penny in the well & wished for that pony to kick you.
me: [teary eyed] if anything ever happened to you i would kill myself
her: ur kinda weird for a surgeon
I throw naked mini-wheats back in the box like I’m not the one who’s gonna get stuck with the bowl of naked mini-wheats in the end
Get out, RUN! That DM was coming from INSIDE THE HOUSE
ME: Not all heroes eat crepes.
HIM: It’s “Not all heroes wear capes.”
ME: Oh, so do all heroes eat crepes?
HIM:
ME: Then shut up.
My kid started doing this annoying preteen whiny voice and now I can turn my head all the way around like the exorcist.
the moral of the Phantom of the Opera is that sometimes there’s this weird guy who is impossible to deal with
someone described my girlfriend’s skin as “sun-kissed” recently and now the sun’s about to catch these hands
Any shampoo can be volume control shampoo if you cram the bottle directly into your kids mouth
Why do people always make such a fuss over how much a newborn weighs? It’s a baby, not a stash of heroin.
prisoner: [wakes up half drunk] where am i
sheriff: bad news pal you’re in jail
prisoner: i can see that but where
sheriff: mississippi
prisoner: ok now that is bad news
I’m sorry you’re breaking up [static sound] I’m about to go through a tunnel.
Dad, we’re right in front of you
Uh….. go ask your mom.
[holding the door open for a pretty woman]
Her: *smiling* Thank you, gallant sir
Me: *blushing* I aim to please
Wife: *withering* Honey, we’ve shared a bathroom for 18 years, he aims for the floor
M: I despise you
Person: I really DO want your honest advice
Me: NO you don’t
P: I DO
Me: I’m your friend. What I think doesn’t matter. He’s your husband. Sit down like 2 grown ass adults & have a conversation. Tell HIM not me & y’all work it out
P: *pause* Um, what’s your less honest advice?
I knew he was the one when I asked if he liked to hike and he answered “On purpose?”
Sorry I turned my welcome mat the other way when you came over.
The healthy food in my fridge should be grateful really. It survives much longer than everything else.
When a work project succeeds: “This was a group project. We all contributed and worked hard on it, and we all deserve credit. Yay team!”
When a work project fails: “That was Steve’s idea.”
My daughter asked if we can just pretend she’s being well behaved and tbh I think it might be easier for both of us
No thanks, I’m not hungry right now. I’ll just wait until after you put it away and sit down. Then I’ll have some.
-kids
I keep getting questions about whether or not I’m actually running for president. The answer is yes. And on top of that, I’m holding a knife, so I’m running even faster than all the other candidates.
“Your generation is having less kids” yeah we go to therapy to fix our relationships now
Today is a new day. Be thankful. Do something nice for yourself. Call someone you haven’t spoken to in a while. Run with a pair of scissors
Kids: Yay! Summer break!
Me: Look at this Back to School Countdown Calendar I’ve created. EVERYBODY GETS ONE!
Nothing starts a conversation quite like wearing a tiara in Walmart.
Don’t forget to set several alarms the first day of school so you remember to pick up the kids
7 foot tall undergrad told me that he was going to have to miss class for a game and, not wanting to make assumptions, I asked him what team he was on and he just said “come on” lmao