I think I want to be a ballerina. Or a fire dancer. Or I want to set a ballerina on fire. I don’t know. I’m still working it out.
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Guy walking in on me in the bathroom
Me: Excuse me. I’m on the phone.
*washes your smart car with a moist towelette*
[married convo]
Her: Hey, babe…guess what?
Him: What?
Her: *whispers* I’m not wearing any panties.
Him: You need me to do laundry?
Practice self-care like bats, avoid daylight & hug yourself adoringly while you sleep.
Interviewer: Where do you see yourself in 5 years?
Me: It’s a surprise
Someone asked me if I’d choose potatoes over cake. Buddy I’d choose potatoes over democracy.
My dad just asked me if Nicki Minaj is claymation. Didn’t have an answer.
eating all the chips in my house so that I won’t be tempted to eat all the chips
One Flew Over The Cuckoo’s Nest is my favorite book about Twitter
*calls bullshit
Bullshit: Who gave you my number.
coroner: it’s natural, just air escaping the body
my wife: could we remove the kazoo
I have two dogs walking around my house in cones of shame and it’s like living a never ending game of bumper cars
Her: Have you sold anything since you became a writer?
Me *stares around my empty house* everything
Terribly Tuesday.
lmfao
boss: u should’ve been here at 9
me: why what happened at 9
Husband of the year 😂
[runs inside of a gas station]
“I NEED TO USE YOUR BATHROOM! IT’S AN EMERGENCY!”
*takes a selfie in the bathroom mirror for an IG # game
Are you Chinese? Well, how about you?”
– Chinese Checkers
Noah build an ark
“what? why”
I’m gunna flood the earth
“just give me fish powers”
[jealous he didn’t think of that] JUST DO WHAT I SAY!
I won’t ever use botox. I want everyone to know when I’m scowling at them. My general disdain is much more powerful than my vanity.
CYCLOPS: what’s that screaming?
PROF. X: I maxed out the difficulty in the danger room
WOLVERINE: [running through the aisles of a virtual grocery store trying to avoid talking to neighbors, old class mates, and ex gfs] NOOOOOOOOOO
My mailman says all the letters he gives me are sent by “forces beyond [his] control” and it’s not up to him whether they contain good news or bad news… literally doing the ~~I’m just a messenger~~ thing in 2021 like I’m a clueless little child
Chicken: Hey look, another egg! Will you look after it for me, like the others?
Farmer: Sure
Chicken: How many chicks do I have now?! Can’t wait to meet them all
Farmer:
Weaknesses.
Secret Panel HERE 💥
Hand feeding garbage to my roomba when its battery is low
Me: *covers up with fleece blanket*
Wife: *rips it off me* This is for the cats
Flight attendant: You’re sitting by the emergency door. Will you be able to open it if necessary?
Me, having just put lotion on my hands: *sweats profusely*
Barista: name?
Benedict Cumberbatch: Benedict Cumberbatch
Barista [writes “Benedict Cumberbatch”]
Benedict Cumberbatch: holy shit
If stores want to accurately display clothes for people over 40 the mannequins should be laying on a couch after 5PM.