Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’m pretty sure my little brother exists only because I got too old to be my mama’s remote control.

[David Attenborough voice]

And here we see JC in her natural habitat. Watch as she circles the donut case, bystanders completely unaware of her imminent attack.

DOCTOR: when was the last time you exercised?

ME: *thinking about holding the thermometer under my tongue* dude you were there

Zen master: Why are you still tweeting? The validation isn’t real.

Me: Neither are you.

Zen master: Oh bugger.

I’m looking for a home with huge yard, tall privacy fence and a couple of sheds preferably one with a freezer that can hold two or three.

–me on house hunters

Ain’t no way

The principal (who is retiring next week) emailed us all to “remind” us that we aren’t supposed to show movies. There’s 7 days left. Who does she think she’s kidding

*Getting a tattoo*
Me(to tattoo artist)-Do you ever make the bzzz-sounds with your mouth when you’re using a regular pen on your spare time?

😉

I needed a laugh this morning.

as the prophecy foretold

Someone suggested that I try Acupuncture. I don’t think adding more pricks will make a difference.

“We’re up all night to get Loki” -Daft Punk feat. The Avengers

business tip.

INSTEAD OF SAYING
“i work from home”: weak, lazy, does not sound productive

SAY
“i practically live at the office”: a real go-getter, dedicated to the grind, a worker bee

The Kardashians is what happens when you feed a gremlin after midnight.

I wonder if Sallys parents were like “Yeah great idea Sally. Sell seashells. On the seashore. Where there are tons of free shells. Idiot.”

“Pasta la veista, baby”

-Arnold Schwarzenoodles

If you aren’t happy single, you won’t be happy taken. Real happiness comes from The Cheesecake Factory, not relationships.

I’m thankful my wife harvested over $100,000 in potatoes on Farmville while I ate a grilled cheese for dinner & am sleeping on dirty laundry

ME: I have crab like reflexes

DAD:I think you mean cat like reflexes

ME: [sitting in pot of boiling water] what

*cutting the sleeves off a snuggie and calling it a thuggie*

A man accidentally made eye contact with me on the train, so I left my shoe behind.

And now, we wait…

Me reading cooking instructions off the bag I just threw out

“Enter passcode to use Touch ID” – then what is the point of you Touch ID that lives on my iPad? WHY ARE YOU SO SCARED?

You can learn a lot when your children start moving out. For example, you may go upstairs and learn that you no longer own a couch.

guys please don’t talk about the healthcare vote I’ve got it tivoed

During a meditation session

Sorry, my watch told me to stand up.

Boss: You’re late.

Me: Only in this time zone.

Apparently it doesn’t matter that in China I’d be 12 hours early.

Don’t mess with grandma when her bodyguard is near.