Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: Boom! Drops the mic!
12yo: Nobody says that anymore Mom.
Me: Oh? What do they say?
12yo: I’m not telling you.

I got new neighbors today, I hope they like my music as much as the last 9 families did.

If Wonder Woman and Spider-Man go into business together, they should call it Amazon Web Services.

Sorry I threw sliced bread at you when you were taking a duck face selfie

CBS: “Tom Petty is dead.”

Tom Petty: “Don’t do me like that.”

Children are our future. Clean burning. Renewable. Children.

I just shook my keyboard upside down. Breakfast is served.

This motivates me more than any other cute quote or motivation pics! study cause u ugly

#getstudying #college

Hey people who say “they’re not wrong!”: there is a word for “not wrong.”

My Onlyfans is just me drawing venn diagrams and giggling

{first time watching golf}
why do these guys hate that egg so much?

You’ve said it before and I’ll say it again

-Plagiarists

*makes sure kids are asleep*
*walks out to car*
*slowly unwraps candy bar*
*hears knock on window*
*puts head down*
*hands it to them*

Day 1 of quarantine: I’m going to take this as an opportunity to improve my health

Day 2 of quarantine: Due to personal reasons, I am eating a lasagna in my shower

My girlfriend is pissed that I just matched with her on Tinder.

“5 second rule lol.” -me, first day as a heart transplant surgeon

My Wife: Don’t look at your phone while driving

Also my wife when I’m driving: What do you think of these bar stools?

Just did my taxes. Put $420.69 on every line and 5 IRS agents just showed up at my door with a keg, 3 strippers and giant foam fingers.

Please stop making sex robots, if I want to have sex I’ll do it the way God intended: By making a regular robot fall in love with me.

Actually, I want to be a robot for Halloween

-my 3 yo, just before noon, October 31

GF: What’s my biggest flaw?

ME: You haven’t got any, you’re perfect, I love you

GF: No come on, I mean pacifically

ME: We should split up

I just bought a new pair of sunglasses for whoever finds them in 3 weeks.

the craziest thing about today’s story where a bear attacked a 12 year old girl jogging in her neighborhood is WHY IS A 12 YEAR OLD JOGGING

ACQUAINTANCE: read any good books lately?
ME: yeah, I just finished “How to Make Friends and Hypnotize People”
ACQUAINTANCE: I think it’s “Influence People”
ME: *swinging watch* no it’s not
FRIEND: you’re right buddy, it’s not

Before kids: I’m going to age like fine wine.

After kids: I’m aging like cheese. Left outside.

well well well, if it isn’t the consequences (dying of the plague) of my own actions (putting a rat i found in an alley under my hat to help me cook hotdogs better)

Me: Okay, time to get off our bed
Dog: It’s adorable that you think that.

I have snuck past my husband’s work video meetings enough times to know I would make a terrible ninja.

Never knew why pajama tops had pockets on them, but I just filled mine up with cookies to bring back to bed and now it makes complete sense.

Spa services are relaxing, paying for them is not.