I think I will start calling my wife “My Customer” since she is always right…
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*does that thing*
Friend: let’s do that thing again next month!!!
Me: yes, great idea! That thing is brilliant!!!
*three weeks later*
Friend: we still good for that thing next week?!!
Me: yes I’m really looking forward to that thing!!!
*day of that thing*
Me: oh no
My husband surprised me by inviting his new boss and wife for dinner so I surprised them with an icebreaker of mocktails and Cards Against Humanity
ALIEN: Take me to your leader
ME: [eating pizza with a fork] Bold of you to assume that I’m not the leader
The person in that bathroom stall would not survive ‘A Quiet Place’
That point in your parenting journey where “stop fighting” morphs into “go outside if you’re going to fight”
Jesus [on the cross]: I hope you guys make some cool necklaces about this
People should come with disclaimers like:
May cause drowsiness or
Will end up sleeping w/your bf or
May induce homicidal ideations
“We’re taking it to another level.”
-escalators
Angel: so what are these?
God: these are the vegetables. They contain lots of nutrients and vitamins the humans will need
Angel: wow this one tastes amazing and you can do so much with it
God: that’s a potato
Angel: it must be really good for you then
God: lol…no
Why would I want guest towels? That’s like an invitation.
my boyfriend has made me vow to not be annoying at the bob dylan concert i don’t want to go to
Me: Hi, I’d like to cancel my 8am appointment for tomorrow.
HR: For the last time, call in sick for work like a normal person!
me: [getting murdered]
murderer: [murdering]
murderer’s mom: you’re wearing that to do murder?
murderer: unbelievable
Doctor: You have acute appendicitis.
Me: And you have a cute face. Drinks?
My husband knew I’d never wear slippers because that’s where spiders lay their eggs and he still married me so I think that makes him the weirdo
People are starting to relax about coronavirus. I coughed at the grocery store and only one person tased me.
Before records were invented, people used to say: u sound like an opera singer that keeps repeating himself
i aspire to be the type of grandparent that my grandkids can differentiate from a wolf wearing a nightgown
Mornin
do not take my piercings out for my funeral or i WILL be back
After I drink coffee I show my empty cup to the IT guy and say that I have successfully installed Java. He hates me.
“Honey, can you bring me a
roll of toilet paper?”Toilet paper- “I have a boyfriend”
Me: Can’t. I’m exhausted from all the CrossFit this morning.
Him: It’s pronounced ‘croissant’ & how the hell did you eat the entire dozen?!
Day 3 in the desert: I have somehow gained the respect of some birds as they are circling above me in some sort of protective formation
Me: You ate radishes.
Friend: How can you tell?
Me: You’re burping them.
F: They were really good radishes.
Me: Not from where I’m standing.
[inventing baby carrots] kids hate vegetables but they LOVE choking
Sometimes life makes sense, and other times it’s a ball of yarn rolling down the stairs and out the back door.
Rachel Ray now makes cat food with real beef just like the cows my cat would eat in the wild.
There should be an “oh my god, shut up already” button.