Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

The only reason I’d want to go to heaven is to complain to the manager.

Interviewer: We offer great benefits.

Me: Can I take my two weeks vacation before I start?

Must have been so hard for our ancestors to find out which mushrooms were edible and which weren’t. “Sure, the brown one was delicious but the orange one killed Steve so idk about that stew, Jeremy“

Christopher Columbus was lucky to have found America first. His nemesis Garmin Von Goögle Maps showed up minutes later after taking Route 2.

Buzzfeed’s 5 Worst Things About Peeing on a Live Power Cable: Number One May Shock You!

My boss wants me to train some other employees so it’s pretty obvious he has no idea I am completely incompetent.

[commercial]
“Is there a dull film on your dishes?”
Me: [looking closely] Holy shit is that The English Patient?

Latex inflatable trousers, don’t leave home without them.
#Harikrishnan #Menswear #LondonCollegeOfFashion

Husband is watching a Hunger Games movie marathon with the kids.

Little does he know that while he’s at work all day, I LIVE the Hunger Games with these people. And it’s definitely a marathon.

Penguins are always dressed in formalwear because they often need to go to court to answer for their terrible crimes

Just saw a guy running down the road with a cape on, so I shouted, “Hey! Are you a superhero!?”

He yelled “no I didn’t pay for my haircut!”

enough about microplastics. wanna try some macroplastics. i’m eating a frisbee

I follow ripped guys around the grocery store and just buy what they buy

If history has taught us anything, I’d be surprised.

water baby: when i grow up, i wanna be the ocean

water dad: with your grades, you’ll be lucky if you end up as dasani

*captain over the PA*:
and if you look out your window to the left, you’ll see Jerry, who is no longer my best friend, and deserves this.

Someone asked me if I’m ever scared that I’ll be alone forever, which I thought was so rude because my cat was right there.

I admire the sense of humor ”Capri Sun” execs had like ’let’s put juice in a bag and give it to kids lol’.

being a latchkey kid was sad but kids who had a parent home to greet them never got to live in that lawless two hours where you could eat something weird and you and your brother could hit each other

With the right person, there is no such thing as inappropriate behavior.

A grand jury is made up of a cross-section of the community.

I ride the train w/the cross-section & it’s mostly people peeing on the floor.

[to baby crying for 45 mins]
WHY ARE YOU CRYING YOU LIVE HERE FOR FREE

I don’t like to say something is “strong enough to kill a horse” because I have horses and I’ve had to call a vet twice because a horse “swallowed hay wrong.”

Instead of premarital counseling, engaged couples should be required to do a premarital home renovation project.

I accepted the Microsoft terms and conditions without reading them, and apparently I’m now responsible for hemming all of Bill Gates’ pants.

HER: I love Game Of Thrones

ME(trying to impress her): I slept with my sister

Cold.
Warm.
Warm.
Warmer.
Hot.
Burning.
Cold.
Hot!

Eating microwaved leftovers.

“Don’t you dare. Don’t you lick it. Don’t! Do not lick the butter,” I yell threateningly at the cat.

Him: so do you prefer top or bottom?

Me: either, as long as there’s butter

Him: are we still talking about se-

Me: muffins, yes

Everything was going exactly as planned and then I woke up.