Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“To boldly go where no one has gone before.”

“What?”

“I said boldly go where no one has gone before.”

“What happened to the to?”

“It split.”

I’m not saying I drank a lot over the holidays, but my liver just went to an AA meeting without me.

I’m 43 years old, and 1995 was 4 years ago, but 2003 was somehow 30.

My kid: I’M NOT GOING TO BED!

Prison guard: *pinches bridge of nose* Again, this is not up to you.

Today, a man looked me right in the face & said “You’re not hot!”

Actually it was a cop &he said “Here’s your ticket. Have a nice evening.”

What’s the proper salutation to use when writing a resignation letter to your children?

This tape doesn’t even taste like scotch.

Bought a pair of sustainable
alligator shoes.
‘How do you know they’re authentic?’
‘I don’t have to cut my toe nails anymore!’

Worst part about getting a phone call is the 12 seconds you can’t use your phone as you wait for it to stop ringing.

Every one of my neighbors has offered to help me move which would be extremely nice if I had plans to sell my house.

I have nothing in common with people that say, “I wouldn’t wish this on my worst enemy.”

My cousin’s kid had some raffle at her school, I have no idea what for, all I know is she asked me to buy a ticket, so I did, long story short I now own a crossbow.

“Hi”
My name is
“What?”
My name is
“Who?”
My name is [chka chka] Slim Shady
*scribbles on cup* “Ok Mr Shrimp Scabies, I’ll start your latte”

My boss: If you say “that would make a great band name” one more time I have to fire you.

Me, looking at a box that says “Hand Soap Refill”: It has been a pleasure working with you

there’s a pig in my mom’s neighborhood who escapes her home to roam the neighborhood every couple days and someone will hit their community fb page like “penelope is over here eating my tomatoes” and the owner will be like “god dammit i’ll be right there”

I’m never more irritated by fashion than when I’m trying to stuff something in a fake pocket!

I couldn’t remember my speech at a funeral today so I improvised with a magic trick and sawed the coffin in half

a house doesn’t have to be haunted to scare me, I’ve seen the listing prices.

Hate it when I put on active wear and nothing happens.

boy: you have really pretty eyes…
me: *suspicious* thank you…???
boy: *leans in slowly*
me: NO!!!! You cant have them!!!!!

healthy as a horse? they literally can’t walk down the street without shitting themselves but sure, ok

Either that loud scream was a patient yelling for help or Fred pulled the string on the bird’s tail for quitting time-

Why my cw hates me

So society’s *real* key workers have just been revealed.

Not the bankers. Not the traders. Not the elite hedge fund managers.

It’s the nurses. The doctors. The delivery drivers. The carers. The porters. The teachers. The shelf stackers. The check out staff.

#COVID19

Remember, you can become haunted by a ghost whenever you want. You’re an adult.

Serious question. How does my local grocery store keep figuring out my favorite brand or flavor of a product so they can stop carrying it?

I just ordered a Fitbit and my bank called to see if my card was stolen.

I hate when idiots are like “Just punch a shark in the nose and he’ll leave.” Yea, just punch a submerged 2 ton killing machine in the nose.

A woman could tweet “My dog just died” and she would get replies like “Well, I’m not dead ;)”

Catwoman’s full name is Catherine Woman.

I’m the guy at the gym laying face down on the treadmill telling everyone “I’m ok, I’m ok”