I think I would make a good private detective. I have some vinyl records in the garage someplace and a crushing alcohol addiction.
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[boss finds pics of me snowboarding]
“You missed work bc you said you were sick…& judging from these pics, YOU WERENT LYING”
*fist bump*
When I see how idiotic people can be, I get jealous of Darth Vader’s force choke ability in those exact moments.
donald trump: ILL HAVE THE SUPER SALAD!
waiter: lol no I said soup OR s-
[assistant sliding $100] just bring him a huge bowl of lettuce
It’s a good thing Netflix didn’t release Baby Reindeer around Christmas. There’d have been a lot of angry parents.
Started to watch Indiana Jones and the Dial of Destiny and I saw the warning that it contains tobacco depictions so I threw my TV in the street. Not in this household.
took a girl to starbucks because i forgot her name
What if those pandas mated naturally for the first time because they’re turned on by mounting human death tolls
You can tell a lot about a person by
what they swallow first when a cop
pulls um over.
*placing Trump & Hillary signs on my lawn
Neighbor: “Confused about who to vote for?”
Me: “What? No! I’m making a Halloween haunted house.”
Me: Nice new car, boss
Boss: Well, if you set yourself targets, work hard, stay focused, next year I’ll be able to buy an even better one
Me:
How’s that chicken babe, too spicy?12:
Its not really spicy..Except on the way out
ME: honey, just tap me on the arm tonight if you think I’ve gotten too drunk
WIFE: I’ve been tapping your arm for the last 2 hours
I don’t mind that you leave me a voicemail, but can you finish your sandwich first?
Interviewer: “Where do you see yourself in 5 years?”
Me: “That depends.”
Interviewer: “On?”
Me: “If I get this job.”
Interviewer: “Alright then, let’s say you get this job.”
Me: “Great, no take backs!”
Interviewer: “Shit, no I me…ahh, you’re good, ok. You start tomorrow.”
11: Daddy, how long have we been friends for?
Me: That depends. How old are you?
11: I’m eleven.
Me: Then probably 4 or 5 years hahaha
11: See, jokes like that is why we’re no longer friends.
If i had a dollar for every time you guys said Twitter was going out of business, I’d have enough money to buy Twitter.
Who invented Bull Riding? Hey, I’m gonna hop on that 2,000 pound pissed off animal…Time me.
break the monotony of your uber driver’s day by saying “sorry about your car” as you get out
Yea baby you like them thick?
Check out my orthopedic shoes.
On my home screen I surrounded the Fitbit app with a bunch of food delivery apps so it knows what’s up.
you don’t need to go to a workshop to build a bear, most of the time you don’t even need to build a bear.
I passed a library which is strange because I don’t remember eating any libraries.
My father has many healthy goats. All this can be yours.
Very sad to hear about Nigel Farage. Nothing’s happened to him, I’m just sad to hear about him.
I don’t think I ever really recovered from that time my pet rock ran away.
It wasn’t no corona till y’all started balancing brooms in the house, y’all let the devil in
*boss trying to relate to younger employees*
“Excited for the weekend? I know I’ll be *looks down at Wikipedia print-out* Yoloing for sure!”
Before they perfected the Q-tip, you have to wonder what kinds of horrific things went wrong with tips A-P
Ladies winter is coming and they are going to try to lure you in with hoodies and fireplaces. Don’t fall for it.
I mean I’m probably gonna but the rest of you should stay strong.
If I owned a roofing business, I’d call it What in Tar Nation or We’ve Got Shingles or We’re Not Eavesdropping or We Are the Leaders or We Gotchu Covered or