I think if a little girl wants to grow up and be a Tyrannosaurus Rex that’s totally fine, and science shouldn’t stop her.

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The basketball shot clock was invented in 1954 after a player hid the ball under his shirt for 48 minutes and told everyone he was pregnant.


She said she liked it doggystyle, so I sniffed her butt then peed on the carpet


Shout out to everybody home for the holidays telling their family about conversations that happened online by saying “My, uh… friend said…”


[1st date]
*stuffing face* sorry i eat a lot when im nervous

‘u know ur eating a candle right?’

yah *points to napkin* u gonna finish that


ME: any advice
DAD: its ok to embellish a little
[later at job interview]
INTERVIEWER: tell me about yourself
M: i wrote harry potter


If she likes old school hip-hop, she probably wants the D12.


me: “i don’t appreciate being laughed at”
seaworld employee: “sir that’s just the noise dolphins make”


(At Kentucky Derby)
ME: I’d like to enter my horse for the race.
EMPLOYEE: Sir, that’s a cheetah.
ME: *slyly passes him a burrito* Or is it?


*Calls the DMV*

Hi yes I’ve lost ten pounds please send a new license with my updated weight thanks


GOD: You each have a gift
WORM: What’s mine?
G: You…spin silk
BEE: How bout me?
G: Uh…make honey
HIPPO: And me?
G: Hm…eat marbles