Adding pasta water to my cereal to make the milk stick.
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I hope my boss asks me to draw a bunch of cats wearing top hats today cause then I’ll already be done my work and I can leave early
[getting ready for plans I shouldn’t have made]
ME: *standing in shower opening and closing shower curtain* here, killer killer killer
Of course my kids are well mannered because when I tell them things like get ready for bed, they politely ask me “Did mommy say that?”
Once broke up with a girl cuz I didn’t like the way she agreed with me
[speed dating]
DATE: ding
ME: did u just make the ding sound with ur mouth
DATE: no
ME: we have 4 minutes left
DATE: *louder this time* ding
God inventing dogs like “what if your best friend sometimes pooped in your living room and ate your shoes?”
Is it wrong, to put people on your bucket list?
On a scale of 1 to girl who just got back from a semester abroad in Europe, how annoying are you?
Apparently I’ve reached the age where Grammy, Emmy and Oscar are merely other residents in the nursing home.
I am ideologically opposed to taking a spouse’s last name but I am intrigued by the idea of starting over with a fresh gmail account
First day as a drug dealer. Made a ton of sales. Boy are people forgetful, they all left their wallets at home.Gonna be rich tomorrow though
Him: If you’re so smart, name all 50 states!
Me: Drunken, Stoned, tipsy, sad, happy, sloppy, loved, confused, exhausted, ecstatic, fatigued…
Him: Ok,enough FFS.
Me: oooo, angry!
[first date]
Damn girl, are you ordering a third omelette? Then omelette you pay this bill! Lol!
No but seriously I forgot my wallet.
Those A24 movies with narrow aspect ratios should make use out of the extra space on the sides of the screen. Put up some NFL scores or something
Mama said there’d be days like this, and also “knock you out” ??? I don’t know, you talk to her. She sounds drunk.
You never forget the first 800 people you sacrifice to Satan.
Probably just poor graphic design…
Still not gonna drink from it.
*takes bite of Pringle* yes *nods at date then waiter* we’ll have the tube
Star Wars (1st draft)
Obi Wan: These aren’t the droids you’re looking for
Stormtrooper: Yes they are
OW: No they’re nooot
S: Uh YAH they are
“Ninja please” -Japanese people
“the immaturity and the copying are my main issues” I say in a whiny voice as my wife storms out of the counsellors office
*5.30 a.m.*
6: Mom, I’ve decided to make breakfast for everyone.
Me *groggily*: Oh, that’s sweet.
6: How many people live in our neighborhood?
Me: GO BACK TO BED!
i came on this app to make friends and chew bubblegum… and im all out of gum
[God naming things with his good friend Brent]
God: Shirts, but for your legs
Brent: Pants
God: Nice. Ok what about the sound of a dog breathing
Brent: Pants
God: You’re killing it today, Brent
The hardest part about raising a centaur baby is having people know you banged a horse.
maybe its the cursed amulet talking, but [thousands of locusts fly from my mouth and form a living treasure map on the ceiling]
The size of the gates in Jurassic Park suggests they were always planning on letting the dinosaurs out.
If a drunk falls in the woods and no one is there to hear him, why did I go camping?
Shoot for the moon. Even if you miss, you’ve got 5 more rounds in the chamber. You’ll get that moon eventually. He’ll pay for what he did.
The pen is writier than the sword.