Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: It’s 2020, you can’t breathe without offending somebody.
Them: HE’S A MOUTH BREATHER!

He died doing what he loved,
sleeping with one leg outside of the sheets.

I went into accounting because there is strength in numbers.

Dentist offices are the last frontier of businesses that are allowed to be one weird old guy boss and a hundred hot girl employees

My wife and I come from very different backgrounds. Her family is French and Irish, and mine is suffocating and unstable.

I got chased by two Canadian geese today. I know they were Canadian because when they realized I was genuinely scared, they apologized.

The enemy of my frenemy is my frenenemy

ME: “I don’t want sex tonight”
GIRLFRIEND: “ok”
Reverse phycology doesn’t work on women.

Valentine’s day is just about a month away so if you’re in love with me, now would be the time to speak up.

Girl: Hi
Guy: Hey
Girl brain: What did he mean? Is he in love with me? I need to analyze this for hours with my gfs
Guy brain: I’d do her

Men should feel comfortable with weeping openly.

Especially in front of a vending machine where the Reece’s slot is empty

Once a lady asked me to guess her age. I don’t like playing this game but she insisted. I gave her a good look, estimated her age, and subtracted 10 years just to be safe. “37” I said. Well for a 26 yo she threw quite the fit.

Anyway the lesson here is don’t smoke cigarettes.

Talking to my mother-in-law exclusively in Spanish hasn’t really improved my Spanish, but I have gotten very good at charades.

I don’t want well-wishes for international women’s day, I want a dragon.

A dog or a baby can only survive about 6 seconds in a closed car with the air conditioner off in July; an annoying fly, 2 weeks.

me alone with my thoughts vs me alone with my thoughts five minutes later

Remember when that really cute guy held the door for you at the book store? He doesn’t.

The most shocking part of Luigi’s manifesto is when he says he’s not the most qualified person to lay out the problems with the healthcare system. I’ve never heard a man describe himself as unqualified for anything.

*walks into a restaurant*

Waiter: Sir, I have Stewed Liver, Boiled Tongue & Frog’s Legs.

Me: Enough bout your problems. Get the Menu Card

My friend and I had a running joke. She said let’s do a marathon and then we both laughed.

If the FBI want to get into an iPhone w/o users permission, they should ask someone who’s done it before, like U2

KFC Team Member: Anything else?
Me: More gravy please, I’ll say when

[several hours later]

KFC TM: WE’RE GONNA DROWN
M: I didn’t say when

Mike Trout turns 26 today. If he keeps up this pace, he’ll be 30 in four years

I just found out that they made an entire movie based on my favorite Will Smith song “Men in Black.”

[on a date with a houseplant]

Me: everything ok? you hardly touched your dinner.

Houseplant: Yes, I’m just eating light

I think, 25 years later, it’s pretty goddamn safe to say that nobody made an entrance like Chris Farley.

Gorilla vs. cold water 😂

hotels could immediately reclaim 80% of the airbnb market by adding a kitchenette to some of their rooms and equipping them with solid wooden cutting boards and anything less than the world’s shittiest nonstick egg pan

My dog is really picky on where she poops. For instance, she will only choose a lawn where the homeowner is outside to make eye contact with me.

Always check your candy. I opened a bag of M&Ms and found a bunch of Ws.