Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Sometimes I follow ants carrying food to the nest just to see who puts the groceries away.

You can say “Holy shit” in the waiting room of any a plastic surgeon.

But I don’t suggest you point.

A smoke detector, but with voice recognition, that will turn off when you yell, “I’m just cooking”

sometimes all it takes is a little subtle messaging to improve your pet’s behavior

A concept so foreign, Angelina Jolie tries to adopt it.

Chicken: Hey look, another egg! Will you look after it for me, like the others?

Farmer: Sure

Chicken: How many chicks do I have now?! Can’t wait to meet them all

Farmer:

Wife: Honey, I’m upstairs!

*undresses on the run like Superman*

Be right up!

*stands naked in doorway*

Wife: Do you remember…
Pam: Hi

Always stand up for what you believe in, unless what you believe in is sitting down.

None of the parenting books prepare you for the moment your kid uses air quotes correctly for the first time.

[Subway}

ME: Roast beef, please.
HIM: Six inch or foot long?
ME: I gotta ask you something.
HIM: Yeah?
ME: How do you say that without laughing?
HIM: Corporate actually teaches a class.
ME: Wow.
HIM: Yup. You want extra meat, big guy?

I love it when I’m cooking a meal and half way through I realise I don’t have all the ingredients so I improvise by eating a cake instead.

My goal was to pay off all my debt in 2022. I’ve already knocked down $9.17

[mosh pit]
me: HELLOOO TRYING TO DRINK A LATTE HERE

Cop: I’m going in, cover me!

Me:*speed knits blanket*

A lot of people hate when I speak Spanish around them, I don’t blame them because most times I’m talking about them.

If I was a judge, I’d keep a pile of walnuts with me on the table at all times. If I’m gonna use the gavel, I might as well eat some delicious walnuts.

Me: I don’t get it. I’ve been watching this show for three hours and I still don’t know which one Boba Fett is

Wife: That’s the Olympics

Vending machine egg salad sandwich cleanse.

Damn girl, are you my Boy Scout troop leader? Cause you’re making me pitch a tent.

The problem with studying ancient Chinese art is I want some Mexican art a half an hour later.

waiter: would you like the bill?

me: no thanks

I really do love this time of year — the Christmas music, the twinkle lights, the woman in front of me in line at Costco who just told her husband, “We can give your cousin a pile of dog shit for all I care.”

Me, to my Greek aunt: Want to come over for dinner?

Her: No, thanks.

Me, to the same aunt: We have nothing to eat. Want to help us make dinner?

Her: On my way. I’ll be stopping at four stores to pick up ingredients. Set oven to 450. I’ll bring my own cooking utensils.

Me:🤦🏻‍♂️

this tweet changed my entire outlook on life

Officers asking me why I’m speeding like they don’t know people fast during Lent.

Wasn’t this a cartoon.

I used to think girls were super nice to each other in bar washrooms until my friend came back from one thinking she should get bangs

[couples therapy]
“Have you tried sexy lingerie?”
me: yeah but it just creeps her out.

I never feel quite so uncertain as when I’m walking the dog and a neighbor driving by waves to me but my free hand has a bag of poop in it.

Him: “Age is just a number.”

Me: “Technically, age is a word….”

Anyways, that’s how I ended up blocked.