Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Always be kind. You never know who has subscriptions to your favorite streaming apps.

Twitter. Finally an app that makes people stop at yellow lights.

I loved being in high school when the pinnacle of fashion was wearing a secondhand oversized flannel over your black spaghetti strap tank top

Best movie gangster: The iceberg in Titanic

A “Mouse potato” is someone who spends a lot of time at a computer.

“I’ll just stagger around yelling random, incoherent shit as people try to keep me from hurting myself.”

Drunks and 1 year olds.

Five little monkeys jumping on the bed,
One fell down and bumped his head,
Mama called the doctor and the doctor said,
Start a GoFundMe or else he’s dead

Your case is very difficult to win. When I walk outside just follow me and run away

My 4 year old asked me if tears were made of pee and when I told him “no” he asked why they taste like pee. I have so many questions.

I do, however, think Starbucks should arrest people who are just pretending to write.

Land line and the doorbell both rang at the same time and I collapsed in the middle of the kitchen.

Whenever I have a panic attack, I put a brown paper bag over my mouth…and drink all the vodka inside.

It seems to help

First day of packing for a move: *dresses each Barbie before putting them in a box*

Second day of packing for a move: *dumps entire contents of desk drawer into Target bag and ties it up with USB cord*

You can’t spell fries without friends. I guess what I’m saying is that fries are friends. Delicious friends.

Tell them how you feel about them and if they don’t feel the same way, pretend you’re drunk and thought they were someone else.

Come back tomorrow for more advice on romance. Not from me though, I don’t have time for that shit.

Me: I feel like eventually I will drive everyone away.

Uber Driver: Same, Girl.

2-year-old: The dog tastes like dirt.

Me: Don’t lick the dog.

2: He licked me first.

Wait…so I get a million dollars AND I get to punch a baby in the face?

-me when someone asks if I would punch a baby for a million bucks

choosing between self-checkout and cashier is such a battle for me. there’s either a 100% chance i have to interact with a human or a 20% chance i have to interact with a human to explain why i am too dumb

There is a huge body of evidence to support the notion that me and the police were put on this earth to do extremely different things.

Googled my symptoms and it turns out it’s just 2022.

“Some people say I’m an animal in the sack.” – baby kangaroo

i’d rather hurl myself into an active volcano

-me politely declining dates

The difference between a hippo and a zippo is that one is really heavy and the other is a little lighter. Thank you, g’nite.

me: *joking* i’m always right! i’m NEVER wrong.

7: well. sometimes you are. remember when –

me: shut up

Yesterday I took my first grade class to meet our new librarian. After leaving, one 6yo asked me if the old librarian left because she wanted to read different books.

he died doing what he loved: trying to find out if gang members are ticklish

Roses are red
Lemons are bitter
I should be working
But instead I’m on Twitter

#NewEndingsToRosesAreRed

“male healers in final fantasy games are weird it feels gay to be healed by a man”

folks are we gonna tell him about real life doctors or nah

1991: Mom gently rocks you to sleep
2024: Mom doesn’t rock you to sleep anymore

Anyone else notice this?