I think if someone said they could read my mind, I’d be like “I am truly sorry!”
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aliens took me up to on their ship but i have no time for that drama so i just jumped out
Sure Italian food is expensive but I think it’s worth every penne
me: i’m so sad and hopeless and directionless
my brains: buy stuff
me: no listen i need a purpose
brain: a purchase?
Please, if you ever offer me a snack and I say no, ask me again, I didn’t mean it the first time
Hey. Remember in the first grade when we were all just chilling then some kid would throw up out of nowhere
I’m not leaving a will. My final act will be giving my family one more thing to fight about.
What’s brown, hairy and wears sunglasses?
A coconut on holiday!
#RubbishJokes #AmazingFacts
#SaturdayVibes #SaturdayThoughts #Holiday
Me: Omg all the kids are asleep! I can finally sit and relax!
Dog: Yeah. About that. *pukes all over living room*
Halloween is without question the easiest time of year to kill somebody and just leave their body decomposing on your porch for a month
Finally!
I’m like Harvard. Hard to get into, but once you’re in, everyone is super impressed.
I lost my dad with a cart full of ginger ale and sweet potato chips at a grocery store and found him arguing about focaccia bread with a manager in case you were wondering how white my parents are.
You know you are Canadian when 0°c and sunny is beautiful warm day…
I played Dodgeball…
I got Bullied….
I ate Gluten…
I didn’t get Participation Trophies…
I turned out fine…
So will your kid…
tums is missing out on selling pumpkin spice flavored antacid and calling it autums.
me: i guess you could say i’m “livin the dream” lol
teacher: sure but why the one where you show up to school naked
The next James Bond should be played by a duck. But not a female duck, obviously. That would be unrealistic.
Sometimes I sit on my hand till it’s numb so it feels like someone else is googling my name
*wearing five finger condoms on both hands* ok time for some safe sexting
Credit card company called to ask about some charges on my statement.
It wasn’t a fraud check. They were just questioning my life choices.
the human just came home. smelling like another dog. this isn’t a problem. i’m totally not upset. if anybody needs me. i’ll be over here. wondering what i ever did to deserve this
You know that confused look old people get when looking at new technology?
I’m like that, but with salad.
Here’s an interesting graph about WhatsApp usage during the Franco-Prussian War
Breaking: According to a study just released by the Vatican, 4 out of 5 nuns find sewing to be habit forming.
I’m not even sorry…
I’m the outdoorsy type. I hate being chained to a desk all day, but management say they have no choice until I stop biting my coworkers.
Me: I’ve always been good at cosmetology. I have a nose for it.
Mortician: Please put that back.
I never got into House MD because it was too farfetched. A doctor who’s rude and doesn’t listen to you?
[at the pool]
4: mama, why are we hiding our stuff?
Me: so nobody steals it
4: but bandits wear black and white. We can see them coming.
Me: most thieves dress like regular people
4: but then you can take off their costumes and you’ll see the black and white
just saw the barbie movie and it’s fantastic! i won’t give away the entire ending, but she does kill osama bin laden.
A fun thing for an author to do would be to have the last line of the book be something like “he said, in his Jamaican accent, which he’d had this whole time.” Make the audiobook narrator have to start the whole thing over.