I think if someone said they could read my mind, I’d be like “I am truly sorry!”
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From the 3 wise men story we learn that wisdom doesn’t always translate into mad gift giving skills
Welcome to your 40’s, or as I call it “Two Leonardo DiCaprio Girlfriends”
ME: We’ve developed a fear of boy bands
WIFE: At the same time
THERAPIST: In sync?
TOGETHER: *screams*
[performance review]
boss: from now on you’re getting supervision
me: yes!!
boss: wait, that doesn’t mean–
me: *already smashing my glasses*
We don’t have any popcorn, so I’m just eating butter and salt.
The guy I paid to pave my driveway hasn’t shown up in two weeks.
I’m not worried tho. I’m sure he’ll resurface one day.
Why do eyes have little mustaches? And other things that vex me late at night.
A horror film, but it’s just a dad who accidentally locked himself out of the house, and now he’s peering through the window at his toddler alone with a sharpie.
I don’t dance. Unless it’s for money.
There were kids who did cartwheels.
There were kids who didn’t do cartwheels.
There were kids who thought they were doing cartwheels.
bank collapse? no worries here, all my money is tied up in the groceries i bought this weekend
Me, about to be kicked out of a convention for the American Society of Egyptologists
“As we all know, the pyramids were built by the Pharaoh convincing two people to begin work, and those two people in turn convincing two people each. Then those four people each convinced
Meanwhile at the drugstore…
What do you mean I can’t drink alcohol with this medication?
You’re not a bartender!
You’re just a pharmacist.
Critics agree that plot considerations did not justify the near-constant nudity in your film “How To Safely Use A Ladder In The Workplace”
A guy in line next to me just asked me to hold his coffee and I’m like I’m not looking for anything serious right now.
I come from a family of failed magicians.
I have 2 half sisters
I am just a boy, standing in front of a milkshake, wondering by what sorcery it beckoned me to this yard
Just read a few inspirational tweets about courage and confidence and GUESS WHO IS GOING TO ROB A BANK TONIGHT?!!
cabbage patches are bullshit
i gave up cabbage easily without them
I like when new parents tell you “he calls his one set of grandparents grandma and grandpa and the other grong grong and poodeepie.”
Just cleaned my room 7 months ago and it’s dirty again.. this is bullshit
“Oh wow, I’m going to have sex with that guy revving his car engine.”
-no girl ever
Named my hamster Spam so when he dies I can bury him in a little tin coffin with his name on it.
You can train a cat to do whatever it wants you to do
Samurai holding sword: now we fight to the death
Me nervously clicking pen on: they better be right about this
[War Museum]
Cop: Ma’am, you called about some stolen torpedoes?
Me: Actually I said Doritos
Cop: *walks away
Me: THEY WERE COOL RANCH
Shout out to the top 5 geons in the world, dun, smid, blud, pi and neurosur.
Executive Vice President of Coca-Cola: “we refresh the world.” So modest. We all know it’s more than that. It also removes rust from chrome bumpers.
i identify as a library so can u be quiet around me pls
OF COURSE I’m not on my first box of Christmas Tree Cakes! ARE YOU NUTS?!… I’m on my second.