I think if someone said they could read my mind, I’d be like “I am truly sorry!”
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Just found out a spider’s been living in my shower. Just hanging out. Quietly. Watching me. So, long story short, I HAVE A NEW BOYFRIEND!
My son was telling me about a math test that he bombed & said that 70% of the class bombed it, too. My response:
“You just failed a math test. I’m pretty sure that percentage is wrong, too.”
My neighbor just pulled into his driveway with a new washer and dryer and now he’s headed this way …. So this gives me about 4 seconds to dislocate my shoulder.
*packing suitcases*
kid 1: stuffed animals, toy cellphone in side pocket
kid 2: stick
Tried escaping the morning crazies by drinking my coffee on the patio but it turns out the morning crazies have legs and arms and they just followed me out there
Might cry like a baby hoping to get scooped up by a dingo.
2 Beers = 1 Tweet
5 Beers = 3 Tweets
9 Beers = 7 Tweets
12 Beers = 12 Tweets
24 Teers = 30 Beets
If you’re stuck in the wild, rub two mozzarella sticks together to start a pizza.
I need a Waze app, but for my walks. Instead of “vehicle on shoulder ahead” it says “person on trail ahead” so I can detour to avoid any human interaction.
*points to wrist* this is my Fitbit.
*points to rest of body* this is my fatbit.
My dress code is business-casualty.
if i had a frisbee team, our name would be Panic! At The Disc Throw and we would qualify for the regional finals and hi 5 the shit out of everyone
I want my house to be tidy enough that if someone unexpectedly stops by, it doesn’t look like we’re seven hours in to battling a bear that broke in.
Kill it with fire!
*douses it in hot sauce*
Cop: you were going pretty fast there. In a hurry to get somewhere?
Me: nope, just tryna lose the cop back there
A woman was arrested when her boyfriend’s body was found in a freezer in their living room. Who the hell puts a freezer in the living room?
There are exactly two (2) kinds of names in DnD
1) Ephena Solancae Diuturna of Theviara II
2) Smork Dirtbag
we had no idea the Scorpion Team would be so aggressive
Why does anyone like period dramas?
They’re bloody awful
no one:
absolutely no one:
my 8 year old: i hate lasagna if someone ever brought me one when im old id make my wife eat it
Me: Hi! One Big Mac no tomatoes please
Her: Mam this is a library
Me: Oh. Sorry
Now whispering: One Big Mac no tomatoes please
[Catholic church]
*priest hands out “What To Expect At Your Exorcism”Husband: Babe, this isn’t counseling
Me: You said you’d try anything.
Monday Lisa
purposely bought tall lace up boots so I’ll never have to be anywhere on time again
Each time I use an exclamation point, I feel as if I’m shooting my sentence out of a t-shirt cannon.
Ian: It’s done.
Mafia boss: Did you go anywhere nice?
I: What?
MB: Like a restaurant.
I: I killed him.
MB: I said take him out! Oh god, Tim!
If I don’t see two minivans lock reindeer antlers over a Target parking space tonight, what are the holidays even about?
You’re the last hot dog on the rollers at 7-11 of people.
[space mission studying behaviour of snakes on the moon]
astronaut: “we should’ve taken our own”
astronaut holding net: “just keep looking”
Watching my second grader type is like watching paint dry while also watching grass grow all while watching a pot boil.