Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

🚲+physics = winner

All I’m saying is, maybe the designers of this statue could have worked a little harder to find an inspiring Rod Serling quote.

By the time you reach 45, everyone becomes an expert orthopedist. “It hurts where? Yeah, that’s your medial hip flexor tendon maximus. I had that last year.”

drug lord: “ill email you when we make the drop, what’s your address?”
me: “[email protected]”
loud from my earpiece: “abort keith, abort”

Me: Dear Santa…

Santa: *scrolling my TL*
I’m going to just stop you right there.

took a DNA test and found out all my ancestors were also tired

Scientists discovered the largest prime number yet (23 million digits) when it was given to them as the confirmation number after a customer service call with their internet provider.

Mildred’s cat, Mildred, is missing.

On a related note, Mildred named her cat Mildred.

Which is probably why the cat left in the first place.

my 4yo threw a tantrum because I wouldn’t lock him in a storage bin & reader, I hesitated

Batman: *puts on glasses* Hey do I still look like Bruce Wayne?

Superman: Um obviously.

Batman: Think about that for a second.

I put “the rap” in therapy.

Yo, yo.
Emotional baggage, bitter like cabbage. Rollin up the green like a Hulked out savage. Burger, Inc.

Hubs: You’re home all day, why isn’t the house clean?

Me: You’re at work all day, why aren’t we rich?

Hubs: Touché

I’ve been training like Rocky lately *cracks Cadbury caramel egg, drinks caramel*

Doctor: You’ve got cancer.
Me: *slides a twenty across the examining table*
Doctor: What’s this for?
Me: Say something else.
Doctor: You’ve got shingles, too.

My son is on guitar, my daughters are on drums and harmonica, and I’m on my second ibuprofen.

The ladies call me Space Mountain…

…cause I’m a 5 hour wait and a 3 minute ride.

Wooooohhhhooooo!!!

The most difficult part about taking a personality test is deciding which personality should take it.

You can pronounce it “Nude Jersey” and no one will know

Alexa, trade my personal privacy for a cooking timer please.

[watching The Silence of the Lambs]

Me: Hear that?

Her: No

Me [trying to impress her, leaning in close]: That’s the lambs

In The Little Mermaid, the real reason Ariel wanted human legs was because Eric told her he doesn’t eat sushi.

The problem with hosting a party at my house is I can’t leave the party early and go home.

Ok I just need to think like a 39-year-old

-my 6yo, trying to find the Halloween candy I hid

Me: I’m so happy we are the first married astronauts to land on the moon

[later]

Wife: pass me the rock sample bags

Me: I thought you brought them

I had a very intense dream I was having an affair w/a famous Youtuber. I felt so guilty I woke up my husband and told him about said imaginary affair.

Husband took off his CPAP and said, “That guy? He’s not even hot.” Then put the CPAP back on and went back to sleep.

Marriage.

I adopt cats because I can’t have any of my own.

whenever a study shows excessive screen time causes brain damage i’m like yeah. me know

While Taylor Swift’s boyfriends were exported overseas during the Trump years, only during Joe Biden’s administration were we able to bring this job back to the United States.

I’m a leader, not a follower… Unless it’s into a dark place, then screw that, you’re going first.

Are all the non essential oils out of work now?