I think if the knotted muscle between my neck and shoulder ever released it would shoot my head off like a slingshot
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Before we announce the winner of the Best Bomb Defuser award let’s pause for a moment to remember the runner-ups
Why are ghosts always just moaning? Did your manners die too? Use your words!
4-year-old: Will you ever love me more?
Me: I already love you as much as I possibly can.
4: I’d love you more if you bought a pool.
How long do you wait before you introduce your girlfriend to your child? For arguments sake let’s say you’ve been dating for 3 years and the child is 6 weeks old.
Well well well, if it isn’t the “Mom, can I spend the night at my friend’s house after prom” trick.
I love how girls say that they like a guy with a sense of humour and yet you’ll never find a poster of Mr Bean on their wall.
Miles: Mom what does clitoral damage mean?
Me: 😳 Use it in a sentence, baby
Miles: Like clitoral damage in a war?
Me: Co-lat-er-ul, babe
Not to brag…
… but practically all of my arrest warrants are considered ‘outstanding’.
Sure childbirth can be painful, but have you had food poisoning for two days straight?
Mine in this week’s New Yorker
The only indoor security camera that I have is inside my fridge, I want to capture the face of whoever steals my cheesecake.
At a doctor appointment:
“Step up on the scale”
Jokingly, “Do I have to?”
“No.”
“WHAT?!?!”HOW HAVE I GONE THIS LONG WITHOUT KNOWING THIS WAS AN OPTION?!
7 barges into bathroom while I’m showering, laughs & says “I saw your peanut.”
He either mispronounced a word or made a hurtful observation.
911 – 911 what’s your emergency
Me – I am Australian and I watch too much American TV
911 – ….
Me – I don’t know our emergency number
Clothes shopping with my 11 y/o daughter when she declares she would love to dress in more bright colors but “at the same time, I’m a messy eater.” It takes many years for some people to reach this level of self-awareness.
Me: and from this day I vow never to rest until vengeance is paid and justice pours down like the blood of our enemies
Priest: uh— th—the bride has also written her vows
I eat pudding with a fork, so no, crossword puzzles aren’t really my ‘thing’.
This could be the Alcohol talking but….
OMG you guys! The ALCOHOL is TALKING!
The heavy sighs are coming from inside the kitchen. A passive aggressive horror story
[Job interview]
“Can you explain these gaps in your CV?”
“Yes, they’re so the words aren’t all joined together” *rolls eyes to self*
Me: my grandfather was George Washington
Date: don’t you mean your great great great great great great grandfather
Me: i mean he was okay
universe: you deserve a break
me: wow thanks
universe: *winks*
me: *tumbles down the stairs*
Hey people who don’t understand sarcasm, what’s it like being so awesome?
just had a really bad argument with some guy I invented in my head
[War in Heaven]
Lucifer: You must choose a side.
Me: Can I get Mac n’ Cheese?
Me: how can I prepare for this meeting?
Friend: we can do a mock interview
Me: ok
Friend: why should we hire you
Me: wHy ShOuLd wE HiRe yOu
Secretly the cops in Gotham City must be like “Seriously, Batman, if you want to use guns, none of us mind. We’re all cool with it”.
When I was 18 I thought it would be cute to get a butterfly tattoo on my lower hip but after 6 c-sections it looks like a sad moth in a top hat.
[kissing at a bar]
HER: wanna get out of here?
ME: (glances over at the menu and sees they have potato skins) not really
thinking about that time they found a cat sleeping with a baby who’d been abandoned in a box in the cold and everyone was like “omg the cat saved the baby 🥺” but like…I’m prettyyyyy sure the cat was just there for the box