I think if the knotted muscle between my neck and shoulder ever released it would shoot my head off like a slingshot
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Interviewer: How would you describe yourself?
Me: With adjectives.
Jurassic Park came out 30 years ago, and now I feel like the fossil.
Movies lie. I’ve never woken up in the morning with perfectly coiffed hair and pristine makeup. I always look like Sideshow Bob after a hard night of drinking
No love I have for someone could ever be strong enough to make me think it was appropriate to stand side-by-side with them on an escalator
if there were more women in lord of the rings it wouldn’t have taken 3 movies to get to mount doom just saying.
If you’re ever attacked by a mob of angry Vegans…
…don’t worry about it. They’re too weak to hurt you.
The cynicism of those who urge me not to do what I can to help the Nigerian royal family.
*slips seductively out of shorts*
You know what that means…
*sleeps soundly for 7 hours*
*drools a little*
you know you’re a little too deep into true crime when you call the windows in your house “points of entry.”
[Job interview]
Them: “So what will you bring to the role if we choose you”
Me: *whips out kazoo*
Them: “NOPE”
6. me as a lawyer
My dad, a Canadian: “I can’t believe Americans turned a single meal into a five day holiday”
Waiter: And what would the lady like?
Me:
Waiter:
Me:
Waiter:
Me:
Date: Gigi, he means you.
Me: *blushing* Oh, wow. He called me a lady.
Me: I’m not cleaning that up
Clifford the Big Red Dog: you have to
Everyone’s been asking me how I would improve shoes. Here is my answer:
I once sprained my wrist flapping away too vigorously in a panic after I walked into a massive spider’s web. I told everybody I damaged my hand playing rugby
Alanis: I’m ready for this knife fight!
*Pulls out 10000 spoons*
I wonder if all the other popcorn kernels in the bag freak out when the first kernel pops
Me: “You do NOT need any chips. Please leave them alone.”
6y/o, running off with bag of chips: “Yay, it says it’s Party Size!”
*trips, dumps half of the chips on the floor*
8y/o: “I think it’s more of a Family Size bag now?”
9yo son: The difference between moms and dads is that when you say “I’m hungry,” moms say “go eat something” and dads say “hi, Hungry, I’m dad.”
Interviewer: So, tell me a little about yourself.
Me: I’m very attracted to you right now.
[Conditioning my hair in the shower]
Me: *rings bell*
My hair: *salivates*
Cucumbers Anonymous
2024: “I’m sick of that Hawk Tauh Girl… When is her 15 minutes of fame gonna be up?”
2032: “I hope President Hawk Tauh Girl gets a second term.”
aladdin: i can show you the world
jasmine: no
aladdin: i can show you a cool bug
jasmine: ok
I just slipped in the shower and my life flashed before my eyes but it was just a series of other times I almost fell.
*looking a gift horse in the mouth*
– British dentists
Just bumped into Gloria Gaynor’s ghost!
At first I was afraid, I was petrified.
[police station]
“sir you get one phone call.”
[calls 911]
“hello 911 what’s your emergency?”
yeah a bunch of pricks are holding me hostage.
Husband: Your too much of a perfectionist. I want a divorce.
Me: (through tears)”you’re”