I think if the knotted muscle between my neck and shoulder ever released it would shoot my head off like a slingshot
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[on first date]
Yes I’ll have the-
*whispers to waiter*
I don’t speak French
*points at menu*
“The French toast, sir?”
Yeah. 6 of those.
I was at the Doctors office and he said the nurse was coming to give me a shot. I said, ” can my day get any worse?” Dr said to relax and as he walked out he said, ” and prostate exam today too’
Are you turned on?
Switch I might be!
A little wine does the body good, a lot of wine does the body better!
All those years of karate training wasted …
I’ve never once had to paint a fence or wax a car ….
Seeing your own mental illnesses in your parents is wild. I’m like… could you have passed down good genes and a house already paid for instead
My password is “weak?” Well your password recovery security question is soft as shit. The city I was born in? Ask me why my mom left my dad.
No thanks, Genie. I’m not falling for the old “rub the magic lamp” trick again.
I hate it when I catch SpongeBob halfway through and I can’t follow the plot
What idiot named it balding & not vanishing into thin hair
Who called them friends with benefits and not bedable arrangements?
I saw a vending machine that takes Apple Pay which sounds cool but imagine how much it would suck to lose your phone in there.
ask your insurance company if you’re healthy enough to see a doctor
I always go the extra mile at work. That’s why I’m a terrible taxi driver.
*calls psychic hotline*
Psychic: how can I help you?
Me: well this is bullshit.
Cop:” So you confess to striking the victim with I must say, rather impressive moves.”
Me: “Mr Miyagi is my Sensai.”
Cop:”It is still considered assault though.”
Me:”It was self-defense, Sir!”
Mr Miyagi: “Anna San, they were smacking their lips and slurping on their salad.”
Spider: Why don’t you like us? Most us are harmless and we kill all the bugs in your house? We just want to help
Humans: EW EW EW EW OMG
Warm pools make me nervous.
One of my lamps has a light bulb which has outlasted my past 7 relationships.
“Huge”.
*Tries to get makeup off*
Makeup: I have a boyfriend.
The guy who first said “hear no evil, see no evil, speak no evil” was a genius, but the next guy who put it with monkeys, not so much.
Hey dude, can i borrow your laptop? I want to shop for a new computer but it feels cruel to do that on the one I’m replacing.
Me: How did my surgery go
Surgeon: I’m afraid this will be difficult for you to hear
Me:
Surgeon: I accidentally cut your ears off
Pro Tip:
If you stab yourself in the thigh with your pen you get to leave the meeting.
wife: ugh here comes brad from my work
me: which one is he again?
wife: the guy that says things and you can never tell if it’s a compliment or insult
brad: well well well someone smells like muffin mix
Every time I think I’m childproofing by putting something out of reach my toddler is just like, ‘LEVEL UP!’
And on the 8th day, God created atheists and said, “Oh man, you’re not gonna believe this.”
Driving and trying to read twitter, I just ran over a poodle. Unfortunately I drive a Yaris. My car got a dent and the poodle got annoyed.