i think if you need to murder someone you should do it at the beach because like you’re gonna have to shower after anyway.
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My neighbors just got new wind chimes. Guess who is going to have their wind chimes stolen tonight?
School Nurse [calling]: Your child is in my office.
Me: What’s wrong?
Nurse: She’s just overtired.
Me: Join the club.
Nurse: She’s lying down now.
Me: I’ll be right there.
Nurse: Ok. I’ll have her dismissed.
Me: What? No. I’m just coming to lie down, too.
Where it all went wrong
Me: Oh I love your hair, you look like a different person.
Her: Is that what you want?
Me: I’m heading out to escort the canine on a jaunty trek about the neighborhood.
My husband: Why don’t you just say you’re going to walk the dog?
Dog: *goes absolutely nuts*
Doctor: What’s the problem?
Liam Neeson: Unknown
Doctor: Does it hurt?
Liam Neeson: Non-stop
Doctor: Are you on painkillers?
Liam Neeson: Taken two
Doctor: Are you just listing your films?
Liam Neeson: Batman Begins
Nancy Drew and the mystery of the seven minute stroller nap delaying bedtime by two hours
my biggest wish is that someday a bunch of people will say wow money really changed her
me: i’ll just have one more bite
narrator: she would go on to have 37 more bites
My daughter asked me what a colonoscopy was so I gave her an honest answer. She learned about colonoscopies and I learned I need to be less honest.
Try a grape in the produce section and it’s ok but try a leg of rotisserie chicken and you get escorted out of the store
The Weeknd is Canadian, he should be adding letters to his name not removing them
me: I wish I would have put on sunscreen
wife: I have some in my purse
me: naaaaahhhh
Guy about to write “12 days of christmas:” help i need last minute gifts!
bird keeper: ok hear me out.
The beauty industry:
For men: This can be used as a shampoo, body wash, face wash, lotion, mouth wash, tooth paste, engine degreaser, spackle, or sunscreen
For women: We’ve specially formulated this moisturizer for your left elbow
(using my powers as an empath) this dungeon… it has bad vibes
BOSS: how’s your wife?
ME: still totally not fake
BOSS: what
ME: what
I keep hearing it takes a village to raise a child. Do they just show up or is there a number to call?
It’s been 24 years. I think they can’t find me.
If you can’t tell the difference between “erotic” & “exotic” then zoo keeping is definitely not for you.
Me: can’t I have to go see my therapist
Them: you’ve got to stop calling your bed that
“Why do raisins have an expiration date? What’s gonna happen, they get shrivelier??”
Interviewer:…
“Oh you mean questions about the job!”
The word tag is confusing. It can mean spray paint or touch someone & they’re it. Either way, there’s a purple kid in my neighborhood now
velma: this man has been dressing up as a ghost and haunting the amusement park at night
judge: look, that’s really weird but you were still trespassing on his property
Them: Who hurt you?
Me: Pull up a chair this is going to be awhile
[At bar]
BARTENDER: I dont think she wants to talk man
ME: [dabbing on pickle juice as cologne] I think I know what the ladies want pal
[commercial for string cheese] do you like cheese?
me: YES
“do you like string?”
me: yes?
“can you explain this gap in your employment history”
yah i was a toddler
I like extremes. I want a nerd, but he’s gotta be an extreme nerd. Like I don’t even want to understand what he’s talking about.
Each time I type “love you,” my phone changes you to Roy. So, I just want to say…Roy if you’re out there, make yourself known, because my phone has a mad crush on ya.