i think if you need to murder someone you should do it at the beach because like you’re gonna have to shower after anyway.
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Anyone want to go on a date with me tomorrow? It’s a house chores date. You come over and help clean the house, gutters included, fix a few things. Car needs detailed too. Then when we’re done you can just ghost me
I just swallowed my record player’s needle and nothing’s happened to me, nothing’s happened to me, nothing’s happened to me, nothing’s happe
My cause of death will probably be something stupid like, she was running from a swarm of bees and got hit by a dumptruck.
*buys toddler a dinosaur toothbrush*
[cut to me using my new dinosaur toothbrush]
I just *puff* completed a [leans on wall to steady myself] 5km run in *puff* 30 minutes for the [wipes bucket of sweat from face] first time ever [adds “fit” to bio before collapsing]
I’m gonna get a tattoo of me getting a tattoo of me getting a tattoo. Inkception.
It’s all fun and games until you swallow the keys to the handcuffs.
Trainer: WHAT DO YOU WANT?
Me: A BIKINI BODY
T: WHEN DO YOU WANT IT?
Just after I finish this beer.
When a fancy lady told me she was from an upscale neighborhood, I stared at her, mouth agape and said, ‘Oh shit! I’m so sorry. Are you okay?’ She didn’t like that at all.
Salad is the decaf of food.
The thing about someone cropping you out of a photo is that this person thought it’d be more off putting to be seen with you than with a dismembered arm
but like if you somehow manage to launch yourself to the ISS they ought to let you in? right??
asking for a friend
Parent Fact: Sugar makes kids crazy.
Grandparent Fact: Vengeance is mine.
nicknamed my iphone lois lane bc it doesn’t recognize me with my glasses on either.
Me: got my food and now I’ll just grab a napkin.
Napkin Dispenser: ok, 38 napkins to you my dude.
Me: no just-just one.
Napkin Dispenser: right, no napkins for you bro.
Me: uh what?
Napkin Dispenser: a bunch of napkins in smallish pieces for my homie.
Sub-Zero: Stop shooting your harpoon at me.
Scorpion: Well, stop shooting ice balls at me.
Sub-Zero: You first.
Scorpion: Nuh uh. You.
[first date at restaurant]
ME: so, do you like dogs?
HER: no, not really-
ME: [already at home watching Netflix petting my dog]
Just because I quit smoking doesn’t mean I gave up getting up and randomly leaving the room for 10 minutes.
Last night, during dinner, my 7 year old son said….
I need a pen and paper to write down the recipe for this so that when I have children I can make it for them because it’s really nice.
So apparently, he has his whole life planned out, including meals.
Imagine how many people would be archers if we had to hunt tacos like ducks
“That’s a lot of food” I say as if I’m not going to eat it all.
Please do not ask a bookworm if they are going to finish the books they have before buying more. It is very offensive in our culture.
[spelling bee]
judge: your word is problematic
me: then maybe give me a different word
[aquarium exit]
Excuse me ma’am, would you mind opening your bag?
I beg your pardon?!
OPEN YOUR BAG
*opens bag and reveals two penguins*
My 15yo just handed me this and apologised, explaining that he’s been contracted to kill me.
“Whoever’s in charge of this music sucks”
This is a funeral. Show some respect.
“Whoever’s in charge of this music sucks, sir.”
No generation will ever be joked about as much as millennials.
Gen Z: Hold my tide pod…
Had a dream I was in Japan with Draco Malfoy and he asked if I wanted a cookie and I said no and he was all, “my father will hear about this”
Me: Is that a web tattoo on your elbow because you like Spider-Man?
Them: Naw, I killed 5 people
Me: so you don’t like Spider-Man?
I was going to buy Oasis tickets but I found out if I set my money on fire in the backyard instead, I won’t have to pay for parking