i think if you need to murder someone you should do it at the beach because like you’re gonna have to shower after anyway.
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I love rotting in bed. My vision board is just a picture of the grandparents in Willy Wonka
If you wondered if I was on the naughty list this year, I should probably tell you that the best gift I got was a packing peanut.
“dogs are better than cats they crap outside” yeah except if my cat has to crap at 1am he can just go but if my dog needs to I gotta get up out of bed and let him out like that is not superior
Kids: Can we go outs-
Me and wife, together: YES PLEASE
I used to give my co-workers nicknames based on their most dominant features, like ‘Loves Abortions Brenda’ or ‘Eats Her Feelings Julie’.
“What state are we in now?”
-kids, 5 minutes into a 15-hour road trip
It’s that pottery scene from Ghost except it’s me standing behind the Subway sandwich artist helping him make my sandwich.
1 year older today, and still no closer to growing up
her: why do you keep your eyes open when you kiss me?
me: bears
Can we talk about what little red riding hoods actual grandma must have looked like?
pilot: ladies and gentlemen, this is your captain speaking. we have just reached our cruising altitude of 15,000 feet
guy with massive foot fetish: *visibly sweating*
Ferrari squats
how dare you call me when dogs 101 is on
[Car at red lights]
ME *starts fiddling with the radio*HOT WOMAN: *pulls up alongside me*
ME: *slowly lowers the fiddle*
Gang Leader: If you wanna join, you need to prove you’re fearless
Me: People ask me to social events and I actually go
Gang Leader: *takes step back* holy shit
*gestures to my unmown yard*
“I’m choosing to let my yard grow wild, to help the pollinators.”
*waves at a stack of dirty dishes*
“This, too, is for the pollinators.”
*trips over a pile of dirty laundry”
“Pollinators.”
Is it a bad sign when your 8 year old laptop starts smoking?
Or is it just going through a rebellious phase?
Does anyone know if it’s possible to buy the transcripts of audiobooks? Thanks
People on Twitter: OMG I love how confident you are
Me: [playing trivia at a bar by myself because I assume people don’t want me on their team even though two groups of friends literally asked me to join their teams] yep
Falling in love with some people is like hearing the theme music from Jaws, but diving in anyway, convinced you can change the shark
Paranormal Activity, but the demon that drags us out of bed is called “work”
I’m at my quickest when I try to follow someone out of the bathroom so I don’t have to touch the handle.
*in court for murder*
I’m appreciate your feedback on not killing people. I’m listening, learning and growing.
Wanna feel old? Helium formed for the first time 13.8 billions years ago.
Yup!
Me: *throwing away all the lettuce*
Wife: oh, you already heard about the recall
Me: What recall?
When you’re on a diet everything smells like cookies. Except the guy beside me on the city bus. He smells like sardines
Delicious sardines
Whenever I see a family and one child is trudging slightly behind everyone and crying, I want to lean in and whisper, “Someday you will write jokes.”
Today, I got gas for $1.59/gallon…
Unfortunately, it was from Taco Bell.
Luckily my rib cage protects my heart better than my head does.