Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[police chasing man on foot]

Police: STOP RIGHT THERE!

Man: *breathless* Oh God! I can’t run anymore.

Police: *grinning* sounds like you need… arrest.

I don’t want to say my wife and I are lazy, but we finally folded laundry yesterday and half the clothes don’t fit us anymore.

[first day as 911 operator]
ME: 911 what’s your- your- *looks over to boss*
BOSS: emergency
ME: hey, gotta go we have an emergency here

I was getting my haircut during a trip to Vancouver when a fellow customer overheard me say where I lived.

“While visiting Japan recently, I recently met a guy from your town.”

I jokingly asked if it happened to be my friend, as he had also recently been to Japan.

It was.

Her: Are you even capable of love?

Me: I’m pretty sure I love pancakes.

DRUNKEN GUNSLINGER: Oh, so you think you can poke me, do ya? *draws gun* Well, reach for the sky!

CACTUS: 🌵

DRUNKEN GUNSLINGER: That’s right…

So you think makeup is “lying”
Sir, if you believe I was born with sparkles on my eyelids and blue lips, that’s on you

You take the oxy out of oxymoron

The funniest thing about being sober is to realize you were so drunk last night you were tweeting all night with a calculator.

2017 Resolution: spend more quality time with my son

*son begins describing his 500 new Pokémon cards*

Well, there’s always next year

I was looking into party ideas for my twins 6th birthday and came across someone who does slime & glitter parties so I reported them to the police

Do we want 2020 to turn 21 and be able to drink?

Never go out with a flight attendant,
all you’ll get for breakfast is a bag of peanuts and instant coffee.

[waking up from a nightmare]

Him: Was it the one about zombies again?

Me: *thinking back to the giant unfrosted Pop-tart chasing me* Yes

CANCELLING MY DENTIST APPOINTMENT THE LAST 4 TIMES:
-Sad
-Embarrassing
-Pretended it was a scheduling issue but they knew I was lying

CANCELLING MY DENTIST APPOINTMENT TODAY:
-Brave
-Iconic
-Protecting the world by not letting a stranger put his fingers in my mouth

[laying in bed at 2am]
ME: hey siri do they still make grape nuts
SIRI: jesus christ go to sleep

Ain’t no mountain high enough? Have you seen them?

Can I ask you a question without you getting mad?

-People who are about to piss you off

Son: What are caterpillars afraid of?
Me: It’s unlikely that they experience fear. They’re not self-aware, so…
Son: [sadly] Dogerpillars.

me: hello 911
911: look, we’ve already asked your neighbor to return your leaf blower ok

[sound of can opening]

wife: you’re drinking a beer this early?

me: c’mon…it’s super bowl sunday

wife: but we’re still at church

It’s not condescending if they’re stupid.

Wife: I want a divorce.

Me: [into drive-thru intercom] One divorce please.

1 in 5 people are Chinese. Only 5 people in my family, it’s either mom or dad, brother Colin, younger brother Ho Chan. I think it’s Colin.

Boss: You need supervision.
Me: *squints really, really hard*

Anyone else having a near life experience today?

american computer: would u like to enable cookies

british computer: alroyt mate do u want biscuits on yer laptop innit bruv

“We have nothing to fear but fear itself.”
-People who have never seen a flying cockroach

M: Bless me Father for I have sinned.
P: You’re not even Catholic.
M: You don’t want to hear what I did?
P: Oh, I do. I’ve read your tweets.

Friend- Are you tired?

Me- Nope, just ugly.