I think I’ll keep wearing masks to concerts for the rest of my life so no one can tell when I forget the words
You Might Also Like
This is the greatest Twitter thread ever
[me as a ship’s navigator in the 1740s] omg you’re gonna be so mad at me…but i think that was supposed to be our trade wind back there
If I’m ever snowed-in somewhere hope it’s a place that serves mushroom swiss burgers.
Catapult: an ancient military device for hurling large objects
Dogapult: an ancient military device for hurling large objects, fetching them, bringing them back, and hurling them again
Wife: *falls in volcano*
Me: You ok, honey?
Wife: Ya. Can you toss me a blanket?
You know in a video game when you kept pushing b to get through the talking part but later realized you should’ve read it? That’s adulthood.
My DNA came back saying I come from a wide selection of cheeses.
Imagine having a party on purpose.
Answers phone, makes modem noises…
I just love that new Pope smell.
Me: You say all the right things.
Her: I didn’t say anything.
Me: Shhh Don’t ruin this for me.
Great Canadian literature.
Love when a doctor emails me about my “outstanding bill” if it’s so good why don’t YOU pay it
Me: The floor is lava!
Satan: Yes! We just had it redone. It used to be legos. Nice, right?
Mom says she’s watching a video about dating fossils.
I wonder if that’s how she met Dad?
Daughters wanted to show support for me so they wrote out, “I LOVE D!” and – adore them – but THAT’S gonna get an immediate course correction
We do these things not because they are easy. We do these things because we thought that they might be easy.
12: I can’t wait to be an adult.
Me: I can’t wait for you to find out how wrong you were about this.
inappropriate Care Bears be like:
Autocarrot sucks!
Me: I’ll never be like my parents
Also me: If you kids don’t stop fighting, I’ll pull this car over and you can walk home!
reminder: the best way to say benedict cumberbatch is to the tune of photograph by nickelback
Me: Ugh, I have nothing to wear
Me on laundry day: Why do I have so many clothes
It has been 3 years since Monday.
[alternate universe]
teacher: and that’s how you do your taxes
student: thank you. what a useful skill i have learned here today
Do you guys ever throw blankets over your dogs so there’s little angry ghosts running around your house for a minute?
I was actually doing so well until your email found me.
[Applebee’s, 49 BC]
waiter: what would you like, sir
Caesar: gimme that salad named after someone famous *wink, wink*
waiter: *hands him a Cobb salad*
Nobody:
Absolutely nobody:
Me: If I was The Invisible Man, my pronouns would be who/where
Well well well… looks like someone put on some weight again.
~ my pants right now