I think I’ll make spicy masala mixture for a curry to serve alongside some naan bread and chai tea, in other words:
spicy spicy mix mix with bread bread and tea tea
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*unfurls blueprint*
Ok here’s how I’m gonna make tonight about me.
When she finally says yes and you realize that wasn’t a condom you were carrying around for the past 9 years
Me: Ours was a love divine
I was yours; you were mine
If the stars would realign-Teacher: This is POTTERY class. Poetry class is next door
at my high school reunion everyone kept asking where my date was so I finally told them my dog ate him. no one laughed
NO ONE SAVES MILK YOU MORON
If having a social media account makes you a journalist, changing a lightbulb makes me an electrician.
I don’t regret pressing the close button in the elevator when people are running. If they have all that energy-they should take the stairs.
My son played a song in the car and I actually liked it. Hell has frozen over.
So apparently you’re supposed to change the lint filter in the dryer more than once a year firemen are hot
Me: Don’t you think it’s weird and creepy that you’re 37 years old and still hang out at the high-school you went to?
Wife (who was homeschooled): Shut up. You’re not getting out of coming with me to visit my parents.
Roses are infrared
Violets are infrared
I’m hunting you for sport
And soon you’ll be dead-a valentine from the Predator
[First date]
Him: Can you pass the-
SOMETIMES WHEN I SLEEP ON MY STOMACH MY CAT LIES ON MY BACK LIKE A TINY SURFER
Tried to pull up my sleeve and accidentally punched myself.
It’s okay, I’ve had it coming for some time now.
Sound smarter than you are: end words with “eaux” and sentences with “if you will.” If you’re pissed, “quite frankly” adds a nice touch.
Yeah, I experimented in college. I tried beet chips.
“What’s for dinner?”
Updog & chips.
“Does updog have gluten in it?”
No..wait..you’re supposed to say…
“You know I can’t have gluten Karen”
Calm down people who start work immediately when they get into work. Just calm down.
It’s not illegal to tell a ghost story when a cop shines a flashlight in your face
SON: Can we have ice cream for dinner?
ME: [already ate all the ice cream for breakfast] Sorry kid, that’s not a proper meal
me: dating is hard
me on a date: convicted rainbows go to prisms but it’s usually a light sentence
Cashier: What does your tattoo say?
Me: It doesn’t talk.
Cashier: Ya, but what does it say?
Me: IT DOESN’T TALK.
Cashier: Ok, Ma’am.
We go together like unprotected eyes and a lab accident.
Friend: when you first meet, tell her she looks prettier in person
Me: ok
[Later]
Her: Hi!
Me: Hi you look uglier online
5-year-old: Why do you do chores if you don’t like to?
Me: The same reason you eat your vegetables.
5: Because Mom is scary?
Bingo.
Very normal stages of anger:
1) kinda upset
2) crying
3) imagining yourself singing a revengeful song to them at a talent show
Instead of telling people to drive safely, tell them you had a dream that they died in a car crash. Then to avoid looking crazy, say “I don’t believe in those things, so it’s probably nothing, don’t worry.”
They will drive… super carefully.
Explaining Jewish things to non-Jewish people makes you sound like you’re losing your mind. My little brother is getting married soon & had his “aufruf” & I repeated the word six times before being asked by my friend if I was barking at them.
Me: This escape room sucks
My boss: This is a budget meeting…
Spice up your boring roofing job by wearing roller skates.
Who tf called it WebMD and not Google Docs