You Might Also Like
Always this one for me forever
A game married people play.
Establish dominance at a restaurant by bringing your own menu.
HOSTAGE: [on the phone] hey dad if i never see you again tell neil he still owes me forty bucks i don’t care if you keep it but i want it collected
My kids have picture day this week, so the chances of them giving each other a black eye or cutting their own hair just increased tenfold.
I can think of a few ways to dirty up a bedroom..
*eats a nature valley granola bar on your bed, spills milk on the floor, wipes my face on your pillow*
dont put all your eggs in one basket, put them in the little egg tray in the fridge thats what its for you idiot
“I have the memory ofGOD DAMMIT LINE PLEASE!”
“An elephant, Dumbo. You have the memory of an elephant.”
“
me: i can handle my alcohol
5 shots later: *in the shower on all 4s pretending i’m a bear catching fish
I’ve got a bee in my bonnet, ants in my pants, and a meeting with an exterminator at noon tomorrow
I like my coffee black just like my sabbath
Trying to explain to H that when the doctor said he can have one red wine a day, he didn’t mean bottle.
Can’t believe I went on a date with someone who did a background check on me and casually spent the rest of the night reciting facts about me to me, and then proceeded to continue going out with him.
@funTweeters Thanks for publishing my tweets.
They don’t hire anyone at IKEA. People get lost there for a few years and eventually know where everything is. It’s Restockholm syndrome.
imagine u running from the police at night and yo sketchers start lighting up
A long time ago, I learned the importance of just being myself. I think the world would be a better place if everyone would just be myself.
My wife and I asked my son who he loves most. He pointed all around. I said he had to choose, then he told us he was pointing at the wifi.
I want to surprise my boyfriend by sending him a sexy pic while he’s at work, but I can’t decide what outfit to put on the cat.
︎ ︎︎ ︎ ︎ ︎︎︎ ︎︎ ︎ ︎ ︎︎
7yo: I have a headache. Can you sit with me til I fall asleep?
Me: Sure, bud.
7yo: So when I die, will I come back?
Me: Now I see why you have a headache.
A required corporate training course said to build strong relationships.
Also, HR told me it’s “inappropriate” to kiss strangers.
Growing up,
I knew my Mom meant business when she started yelling words I didn’t know existed.
me: awhinersayswhat?
daughter: what?
*my wife and I high five*
1st week of school: sandwich cut in a cute shape, sliced fruit, encouraging note.
Last week of school: handful of croutons wrapped in foil.
My toddler found a roll of quarters and is throwing money everywhere. Is she Scrooge Mcduck? Am I rich?
*Michael Cera stubs his toe on a cotton ball*
Dear Parker, I’m typing this because the fountain pen you sold me does not, I repeat DOES NOT, work in fountains.
Please advise me of your returns policy forthwith.
Tough love is true love
Why do porn sites have a share to Google+ option? I don’t want my friends knowing I use Google+