I think I’ll stand
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I’ve just seen a girl post a selfie with her dead grandma on facebook and thousands have commented “rip”. Stop the internet, I wanna get off
I’m going to sit here and wink at you. It’s going to be a very long wink. With both eyes. Please, by all means, go on with your story.
me: I want to be inside you like one of those Russian dolls that keeps getting smaller and smaller
her: you’ve never sexted with a real person before, have you
“This isn’t working out,” I insist to my girlfriend as we glide effortlessly downhill on her tandem bicycle.
Why didn’t they call it Guardians of the Galaxthree
Cop: raise your hands
Me: ok, but if you looked down you’d see the same thing
C: ma’am?
M: they’re right there
C: how high are you?
M: yes
“Hey handsome. Why not come over to my place and eat the fried breadcrumbs I’m covered in?” she said, croquettishly.
Alway be nice to anyone that has full unhindered access to your toothbrush.
When people are making out in public make things even more awkward by applying chapstick and announcing you’re next
You look like the kind of person who touches garden gnomes appropriately.
me: i’ve been flirting with this guy for weeks and he doesn’t know i’m alive
friend: flirting how?
me: i retweeted him two times what do i have to do…throw myself at him??
The defense rests your honor.
*camera pans to defendant taking a nap*
I’m like a snack in the way that I hide in the pantry a lot
If god can artificially inseminate someone, why did he need two of every animal on the ark to repopulate the world?
Two princes?
I’ll take the one that wants to buy me rockets.
Them: “Did you know you can see your own nose, but your brain chooses to ignore it?”
Me: “Oh my brain does that when I’m out and I see people I know”
Objects in the mirror may appear like you’ve been depressed and have eaten a lot the last 3 years.
men’s fashion peaked in 1838
Wish I was as brave as my kid who just ate zero bites of her dinner and then asked for a snack 6 minutes after the table was clear.
(watching the shower scene in Psycho) I’d kill for that water pressure
he looks great for his age
Interviewer: And do you have any experience as a carpenter?
Me, sweating nervously: YES I SPEND ALL OF MY FREE TIME CARPENTING. I’M VERY CARPENTROUS
Interviewer:
Me: I HAD FOUR RED BULLS BEFORE I CAME HERE IS THERE A BATHROOM I COULD BUILD?
A dog made of diamonds would be everyone’s best friend.
“I’m going to make a great mother one day” I whisper to myself as I catch my burrito mid-fall and only a single bean spills out
In my 20’s: I want to find true love.
In my 40’s: I just want a toaster that gets me.
“It’s a competition, I didn’t come here to make friends.” — Jerry, the 1st contestant eliminated on this season’s “Friendmakers”.
When I see a kid on a leash I assume they were a dog turned into a kid by a witch & the owners have yet to figure out how to turn them back.
Guess who I bumped into on the way to see my eye doctor?
Everyone…
Friend: Are you growing your hair out?
Me: I have no idea. Honestly, I never thought I’d live this long
Sorry I booped your nose when you said that you loved me.