I think I’ll stand
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Tv: He is in cardiac arrest
My Kid: That’s just silly, how will they put handcuffs on his heart
Me: I’m starting to realize how you failed anatomy
Hey people – learn to spell!!!
I mean my co-workers. Twitter, you guys actually do pretty well, considering half of you are probably drunk.
Facebook game requests are like the Jehovah’s Witnesses of the internet. No matter how much you say no thank you, they just keep showing up.
The first of Jay-Z’s 99 problems is the obsessive compulsive disorder that requires him to know his precise number of problems at all times.
You’re like a semicolon. I’m not sure exactly what to do with you.
WHAT DO WE WANT?
RACE CAR NOISES!!!
WHEN DO WE WANT THEM??
NEEEEEEOOOOOOOOOOWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWW
Elementary schools be like:
It’s Spirit Week!Monday is crazy hair day
Tues: paint your entire family blue
Wed: construct a Macy’s regulation sized float out of paper maché
Thurs: pledge 100k to the jogathon and earn a high five party
Friday is take your virus to school day
i maintain uninterrupted eye contact with my boss, who is in the process of firing me, as i slowly pull out a chimichanga from my coat pocket & begin eating it
What kind of shit holiday encourages kids to ring my doorbell AND ask for free food?
Judge: So, you don’t know how the victims blood got in your car?
Clown: In my defense Your Honor, there were 46 other passengers in the car
In my house, where there’s smoke there’s dinner.
She blocked me on everything, she must wanna see me in person
jehovah’s witness: do you have a few minutes to talk about jesus?
me (hates gossip): no
(my date twirling her hair)
“Can I use your bathroom quick?”
Absolutely, gorgeous.
*hears the longest fart ever as she closes the door*
[Grade 6]
TEACHER: You can’t end a sentence with a preposition.
ME: You just did.
TEACHER: What?
ME: Ended a sentence with “a preposition.”
Cellmate: what did you do?
Me: robbed a bank.
Cellmate: nice! how’d you get caught?
Me: [lights a cig and takes a long drag]
I stopped to put all the money facing the same way.
If salons offered free wine with a wax, Twitter moms wouldn’t have any hair at all.
WestJet now charges $25 to book a flight by phone. But it’s way more if you want to book a flight by plane.
do you guys realize there’s a planet in our solar system entirely inhabited by robots
I was going to give up coffee for Lent, but then I remembered I’m not Catholic.
My girlfriend is mad at lettuce, how’s your day going?
*sees a meteor* I wonder where that’s landing. Maybe if I run fast enough I can get crushed by it.
Did you ever think about ten years ago you’d be saying.. “I really hope this is a chick I’m talking to”.
11: can I see one of your last tweets?
Me: *pulls up tweet*
11: no, I meant a funny one
Scissors Commercial:
*Montage of people karate chopping paper in half*
Narrator: Don’t you wish there was a better… Nevermind that was rad
Need expensive surgery? Tell a surgeon you’re auditioning a few before picking one. Have them do the surgery then say “OK I’ll let you know”
* Puts leftover pizza in the work fridge at 7am
My brain at 7:04:
eat the pizza eat the pizza eat the pizza eat the pizza eat the pizza eat the pizza eat the pizza eat the pizza eat the pizza eat the pizza eat the pizza eat the pizza
ME: [bird watching]
PIGEON: [looking out window] Babe he’s back.
I’ve seen enough episodes of Dateline to know never to stand near a cliff while letting Hubs take my picture.
I hate it when healthy me does the groceries, because now fat me needs a snack.