I think illegal drugs are just the government trying to teach the metric system on the sly.
You Might Also Like
“I’d like to raise a toast.”
*Cradles bread in arms, accepting this step into motherhood*
I had to stop food journaling when the potato numbers started rolling in.
It was the best of times, it was the worst of times.
-Me with beer, me without beer
[Snow White sees her doctor]
Snow White: How bad is it, Doctor?
Doc: Damn it I told you I’m a mine worker not a doctor. It’s my name, idiot
I overheard my daughter asking the little boy next door, “Are you the opposite sex, or am I.”
If the kids knew there was a light in the attic, they would leave that one on too.
“When I was a child, I talked like a child, I thought like a child, I reasoned like a child. When I became a man, I did those things online”
A poet once gave
a pigeon helium, and
invented high coo.
*DJ drops the beet*
ERRYBODY IN THE CLUB begins wondering why the DJ would bring a root vegetable to work with him.
Wife: What is twitter?
Me: Hold on a sec, I gotta go to the bathroom. *flushes iphone down toilet*
I hear you calling out to me. I miss you too! Soon baby, soon!
– me to my bed.
Happy Star Wars day!
[buys new refrigerator with water dispenser]
day 1: I will never tire of this water dispenser
day 15: still luvin’ this water dispenserday 4563: wahey! water dispenser
Girls like guys who take charge: ask her out, plan a date, take a hostage, overthrow a government, nuke her ex’s hometown, buy her a puppy
While I was driving, my 4-year-old threw a shoe and honked the car horn and has officially outdone my husband as the worst back seat driver.
I told my husband that our toddler won’t eat tomatoes and he asked why not, as if toddlers are normal human beings
[on the phone]
me: i let the cat out of the bag
sis: what??
me: …too early at the vet and she hid under the desk
sis: oh phew
me: then i spilled the beans
sis: what?!
me: …all over the floor at dinner
sis: omg ok
me: also i told mum you’re pregnant okiloveyoubye
It’s the freakin’ weekend, baby, I’m about to cancel some plans
Top three meanings of “I was just joking”
3. I was just joking.
2. That sounded worse than I thought it would.
1. She looks angry, abort!
Sailors who are unable to stop a ship properly are sent to 2 weeks of court-ordered anchor management.
me: why does nobody like me
therapist: have you considered that you can be a little dramatic
me: [lifting my head to reveal mascara streaming down my face] how
‘I dunno, maybe just use that image of the girl who’s about to murder her dad’
Although I’ve been disappointed by some of the things cartoons promised yet failed to deliver, I must say I am relieved that my eyes don’t badoing out of my head whenever I see a fine lady.
I hate all this sex on the TV
I keep falling off.
If you love something, set it free.
(Does not apply to ferrets.)*
*I am no longer allowed on the subway.
5 yo- can I roll down the car window?
Me- yeah, just don’t yell at that man.
the divorce rate among my socks is astonishing
‘Was that really necessary?’
~slapped newborns