I think illegal drugs are just the government trying to teach the metric system on the sly.
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Jesus: Time for a miracle!
Puritan: Anyone who goes in water and floats is a witch
Jesus:
Puritan:
Jesus: who likes fish
It’s wildly known that all the great artists of the renaissance era loved eating pizza in sewers.
I guess the creator of Pop Rocks was like:
Sugar isn’t enough, they need to detonate
Gonna teach a bunch of old white guys the word “bae” so teens stop thinking it’s cool and it goes away forever.
Karen mislaid her phone and called a cafe we were at this morning to see if she’d maybe left it there.
Conversation on the other end of the line:
Person a: Have we had a phone handed in?
Person b: What, a mobile?No mate, a landline 🙄
It wasn’t no corona till y’all started balancing brooms in the house, y’all let the devil in
“Your resume says weaknesses: hide & seek”
Yeah
“Can you demonstrate?”
Sure, count to 10
*Counts to 10 & opens eyes*
*I’m literally on fire*
H: Let’s watch a really scary movie.
Me: Good idea.
[starts playing movie “Parenthood”]
I love to run. Around the house. Chasing my toddler. Because she took my iced coffee.
Normal Bar: Hey bud we can’t let you in here with that pocket knife
Renaissance Faire: Here’s 32oz of meade and a bow & arrow go crazy
After 5 minutes of staring at grass, I came to the realization that Earth has green hair. That’ll do, brain. That’ll do.
I let that asshole into traffic and he can’t even oh look he’s waving we’re friends now.
the CIA has been tracking me for years cuz they know i saw two sharks jump out of the water and hi-5 but i’d rather die than rat out a shark
*wakes up screaming*
Wife: What happened??
Me: I had a dream that I’m jogging and a leopard wearing clown makeup with wings just flew out of a cave and attacked me.
Wife: Silly that’s impossible.
Me: The flying leopard part?
Wife: No, the part about you jogging.
Cars come with warnings to check the back seat for babies now.
I always do and frankly, I’ll be lowkey terrified if I ever find one.
Therapist: Talk about your friends.
Me: Now John at the bar is a friend of mine…
T: That’s a Billy Joel song.
Me: You’re no fun.
Adding “Free HBO” to your dating profile isn’t the game changer you’d think it’d be.
Searching twitter for the account of the bee that just stung me so I can pull up some of it’s old questionable tweets
“Only 105 days until summer break.” -my kids teacher at school pickup on the first day back from winter break
I have the impulse control of a random number generator.
Dear Electric Company,
You’re welcome. Go buy yourself something special.
-My family, every summer.
I hate it when candidates put signs on your lawn without even asking your permission.
Who the hell is ‘Foreclosure’?
Why did they call it long distance running and not fardio.
Her: I’m a meteorologist and study weather
Me:
Her:
Me: you study whether what?
Every time I go into the freezer I ritualistically sacrifice at least one piece of ice to the kitchen floor gods.
Mess with your coworkers by walking up behind them and whispering in their ear, “strike two”
(Sigh) I thought “The Scarlet Letter” was a book about red stationery….
oh shit
Doctor: The surgery was a success and your husband should wake up in a few hours.
My wife: I thought you said this surgery didn’t require for him to be unconscious?
Doctor: It didn’t but he started talking and-
My wife: I understand.
Ya know how some of our grandparents are weird about not throwing food away because they grew up poor? I wonder if like 40 years from now our grandchildren are going to be like “why does Nana have 70 rolls of toilet paper at all times? She’s so weird.”