Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[security patting down mouse]
“Any cheese on your person, sir?”
[waves another mouse over them like a metal detector wand]
“He’s clean.”

I’m a fairly bold person, but not “first person to clap during a pause in a fine arts performance” bold

3-year-old: *dumps Cheez-its on the floor*

Me: What are you doing?!

3-year-old: Feeding the Roomba.

I remember a simpler time when squirrels didn’t jump up on your picnic table and try to muscle you off your poutine.

[spelling bee]
Your word is “spider”
Can you use it in a sentence?
“A spider has eight eyes.”
[kid smiles]
Spider. S-P-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-D-E-R

If I could time travel to assassinate a historical figure I’d probably choose Archduke Franz Ferdinand

I’ve got chicken fingers and a McRib, a few more parts and my monster will be complete.

If they’re right about the Mayan calendar and the world ends next week, I’m cool with that because the people whom I love know I love them.

Also, it means I don’t have to fix up this freaking house any more

Him: Congrats on the new baby. Boy or girl?
Me: Girl.
H: And what did you name her?
M: Well we were both huge fans of Elvis Costello so we named her after his best-known song.
H: Oh! Alison? Or Veronica?
M: What? No. Her name is “Watching the Detectives.”

The in-laws took my kids for a sleepover giving us the first kid-free night in years. So, of course, a jackhammer started in front of our house at 7:30am

CAT LAWYER: [pushes defense team off the table]

I’m jealous of turtles because if they don’t want to talk to someone, they’re like “Nah, dude, busy in my shell right now. Come back later.”

date: [making small talk over dinner] so what are you looking for?
me: [fingering my soup] i dropped my spoon in

Gnats are the most enthusiastic bugs, always out here performing a flash mob right in front of your face

this will hang in the louvre one day

Brouhaha (noun): the feeling of joy upon discovering someone has made you a cup of tea.

My husband cooked dinner for my daughter and me, or as he so eloquently put it, “Makin’ dishes for my bishes.”

I bet somebody on Facebook is vowing to not eat Russian salad dressing EVER AGAIN.

Life is different in Christian frats:

“You should’ve seen this hot chick I didn’t bang.”

“Way to save it for marriage, bro.”

*fist bump*

Drunkenly got behind the wheel last night

“Hey, will you join us in our street protest?”

No thanks

“Why not?”

I actually love streets

You’ve ripped the husband stick figure off your minivan, but also the cat stick figure. This is a story I want to hear.

This week, we’re celebrating International No Wi-Fi Day! 📴✨
#WawawiwaComics

On date night my wife took me to a place where you make your own pottery. I made an urn.

I’m so excited, I just sold my first house. I’m not even a real estate agent and my neighbors are furious for selling their house without asking.

*armadillo comes rolling back in the ball return*
“Wait.. if you’re here, then…”
*cut to wife sobbing at bowling ball* “UNCURL, FREDRICK!”

SICK’EM SPIKE!!!

[the burglar and I stare as my pet turtle walks very slowly across the room]

“How did you get those scars?”
[Flashback to me running into a glass door]
They’re from Cage fighting.

Mugger: Give me your wallet!
Me: Back off! I know karate.
*later*
Me: Well, he called my bluff.
Doctor: You have lost a lot of blood.

Today I learned that ostriches sometimes walk around and then they forget where they are going. Today I also learned that the ostrich is my spirit animal