Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Get your kindergartener a watch so you know what time it is every minute you are together for at least a week please tell me it’s not longer than a week

Oh, please don’t pay attention on that voodoo doll you’re going to find outside your door!
That was by mistake

[making out in a club]

her: wanna go to the bathroom?

me: no I’ve just been thanks

Lost 4 stone and feel great, but it started with a trip to India where I got the shits, came back and everyone said well done on diet, had to carry on as I didn’t want to explain about the shits.

Sorry for shouting “go go gadget personality” while you were speaking. Please, continue.

My 7yo, “rich people have a lot of money and we don’t have that much, so we are normal people.” Idk, I’m still stuck on “we” because she has zero money.

I always wondered if the distinct piss smell that Burger King is known for is authentic or if it’s just a spray they use.

luke, thats a persons name. whys everybodys star wars name gotta be like, hoobie doodoo or seb neb or something

[Infomercial for Parachutes]

“Has this ever happened to you?” *showing footage of a man getting thrown off a building, screaming*

Whisper out to librarians!

Saw Interstellar over the weekend & was totally glued to my seat. The movie was OK but the getting-glued-to-my-seat thing ruined it for me.

My guy makes beautiful dressers, but he leaves his drawers everywhere

A skinny friend told me she’s never hungry and just ‘forgets to eat’, so I drove her out to the woods and left her for dead. Is that wrong?

me, as a zookeeper: i’m late for my sister’s wedding and i have a stain on my tux

penguin: [makes whatever noise a penguin makes]

me: no braden, thanks for the offer but we’re not the same size

If they ever invent time travel my dad would still insist on leaving early to avoid traffic

If you’re pure of heart you can put almost anything in the recycling

One day we’re gonna discover that Squarespace has been committing countless mysterious murders, solely to fuel the Murder Podcast Industry, their no.1 source of advertisement

DOCTOR: What’s the matter?

ME: I don’t know. Sometimes I feel like I’m a bad husband.

DOCTOR: I meant with your wife.

ME: Oh her water broke or something.

If you ever have a moment of self-doubt, just remember that Kanye rhymed “collagen” with “apologi’n” so you can do anything.

– My dad (driving my car): How long has your car been doing this?
– Me: …Doing what?

Cop: You appear intoxicated. Can you walk this line?
Me: No problem. Stay in the car Grandma
G-ma: Can he use my walker? He’s been drinking.

I put on skinny jeans today and look like a watermelon on stilts

I think I could be a pretty good boxer as long as the other guy isn’t allowed to hit me.

It’s really not about the dry cleaning bill. I’m just upset that your dog never called my leg afterward.

interviewer: why’d u quit ur last job

me: the company moved

interviewer: where to

me: they didn’t tell me

My wife is mad that my daughter is crying in this restaurant but she should be mad that our daughter is so bad at tic-tac-toe that I’ve beaten her 24 times in a row.

New Year’s Eve is just a myth created by the government to sell you more years

Hey, do you guys remember when people kept those little wax paper cups in the bathroom so that when you were thirsty you could have a little toilet water?

9 out of 10 times, if you call the 1-800 number printed on a consumer product, the person who answers won’t tell you what they’re wearing.

Bike is short for Bichael.