I think I’m a good looking guy from a distance.
As long as that distance is 300 miles.
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‘”I’m a healthy bacteria that aids in digestion”
– probiotic
“Ummm…. Pssssstt!! Dude… What’s a digestion?”
– amateur biotic
Surprised my wife with potato chips. She didn’t ask for it, the bag just fell on her when she opened the cabinet.
friend: the key to a good joke is misdirection
[later]
guy: hey can you tell me how to get downtown?
me: *barely containing my glee as i point him uptown* yeah go that way
*lies down on couch*
*turns on TV*
*covers up with blanket*
*adjusts pillows perfectly*
[from other room: “Honey can you come here please?”]
[god creating hotdogs]
inflate that worm
My cat and I made a best friend pact tonight. If I die first, he won’t eat my body. Or if he dies first, I won’t use his skull as a cup.
When the zombie apocalypse comes and you’re in Walmart, how will you know?
[World War One]
Private Hitler: “How can I make this more about me?”
good friend is late 20s. in shape, has £10,000 a year, lives in a fine house with some of the finest woods in the country. but he’s consistently ghosted, ignored, or told “you’re the last man in the world i could be prevailed upon to marry.” modern women are broken.
Discovered there’s a Bermuda Triangle in our house where all the cups and dishes go missing. Have renamed it “13yo’s Bedroom.”
Inventor of fridge door ice cube dispenser: Let’s consistently surprise them with an extra ice cube that randomly shoots out after they are done filling their glass.
*Awkward missed high fives around boardroom table*
The embarrassing moment when you bring handcuffs to ‘gamenight’ and she brings Monopoly.
i’m in a comfy dress today, but i look like a potato in floral. call me nelly flortato.
HUSBAND: We’re meeting my parents at noon. Did you shower yet?
(flashback to me using a wet wad of toilet paper to wash my armpits)
ME: Yes.
I found this set for $10 at a garage sale and I need someone else to be as excited about it as I am
My Dad: So then you just like *smushing together a bird stuffed animal and a bee stuffed animal while making kissy noises*
Me: OK, got it. They’re all waiting, can I go get married now?
I forgot the term “stylist” so I said “exterior decorator.”
Nothing like a thumb injury to make you realize how many things require two hands.
Oh, you want to lift your pants back up? Lol
They want us to stay current with our training, yet the training videos show people using BlackBerries.
When my son handed me my wallet I realized something important.
He’s a pickpocket.
Why do the French eat snails?
Because they don’t like fast food.
What idiot called it removing a curse and not a hexagon?
well well well, if it isn’t the holiday weight i said i wouldn’t have to worry about
*Asks soulmate*
What is your dream car and why?Minivan, because the sliding door <joining in> MAKES IT EASIER FOR DRIVE-BY BAZOOKA ATTACKS
celebrating pi day by not knowing when to stop
Welcome to ghosts anonymous. Nice to see such a spirited turnout.
*all of the ghosts boo in unison*
Select the reason for canceling your order:
◽️Item(s) would not arrive on time
◽️Need to change shipping address
☑️ I was drunk
The 5 most important things to teach my kids:
1. be honest
2. show respect
3. be true to yourselves
4. be kind & generous
5. be humble
6. to count
You can be anyone you want on twitter, so I’m a little surprised so many guys chose “creepy weird dude.”