Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[ bob ross paints over me with a tree ]

Dear millionaires,

If you don’t have a bookcase that spins into a secret room then give your money to me because you’re spending it wrong.

A Victoria’s Secret commercial will always come on when you’re elbow deep in a bag of Doritos.

I have a folder on my desktop named “Old Desktop”
Inside which is a bunch of stuff and a folder named “Old Desktop”
Inside which is still more stuff and a folder named “Old Desktop”

I don’t even know how many layers deep it goes at this point.

[asteroid destroys earth]

God: *wakes up* hey I was WATCHING that

She’s got a great personality!

It’s the other 6 personalities that I’m worried about….

“I want to put a baby in you,” I whisper to the microwave over the sound of the infant crying next door.

Me: the enemy of my enemy is my friend

Enemy of my enemy: no, i don’t like you either

I once asked for their policy on afternoon naps at a job interview.
…turns out they don’t like that.

If by “living off the grid” you mean never giving retailers my correct email, then yeah, that’s totally me.

My mum needs to stop using all the blenders for stew.. It’s pissing me off having spicy Oreo milkshake

may I borrow your hand mixer? I found a pumpkin carving hack that will destroy mine.

The full recap of tonight’s events can be heard on my wife’s podcast, “What kind of idiot doesn’t cover the chili before microwaving it?”

Dropped ice in the kitchen?
Kick it under the fridge.

Dropped a baby in the kitchen?
Kick it under the fridge.

me: this was fun
demon haunting me: this was not a date
me: text me when you get home
demon: ok

In a job interview, you can always respond to an awkward question with a deep gaze and parted lips, followed by “You complete me.”

I took a shower bc hobo is an aesthetic not a scent

dracula: *bites neck*

me: oh, I should probably warn you-

dracula: *dies*

me: i am 50% garlic bread

Going commando is the closest I’ll ever get to joining the army.

*breathing becomes rapid and pulse starts racing*

I…I’ve never felt…SO ALIVE!

*holds up 11th nugget from 10 piece box, for all to see*

A girl at the gym waved at me so I waved back. as it turned out she wasn’t waving at me
so now I’m gonna incorporate the hand wave into my exercising routine until she leaves

Do men still open car doors?

That 👊

[At microphone]

*clears throat*

“Salsa. Ballet. Conga. Waltz. Jitterbug. Tap.”

*crowd cheers*

“Thanks for attending my dance recital.”

watching shogun with subtitles off so i can feel like just as much of an outsider as the white guy

Obama sure is waiting until the last minute to take everyone’s guns.

*time traveler returns from 2021*
“Everybody’s at home, day drinking and proving they’re not robots or cats.”

completely misunderstood pride month. who wants to buy 15 lions

Is it “nemesis” or “nemeses”? I’m renewing my wedding vows.

[googles “camaflage spiders”]

-no results-

phew.

wait…

[googles “camouflage spiders”]

-11,345,453 results-

motherf

The Pillsbury Doughboy is a goddam monster who sacrifices his own people so that he can get a finger poke.