Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

It’s interesting that the emojis show the earth from three angles 🌎 🌍 🌏 but not the fourth.

Though 🔵 is a fair approximation of what it would look like.

People underestimate the Pacific.

My grocery store changed its whole layout. It was better the other way so I’m slowly and quietly moving everything back.

Stayed up for hours with my daughter doing homework last night. She got upset “Daddy, I don’t understand it. I don’t know what it is” but we persevered. We were both tired but I was proud of her. Then today my boss was like “THIS BUSINESS CASE LOOKS LIKE AN 8 YEAR OLD DID IT”

*Asks soulmate*
What is your dream car and why?

Minivan, because the sliding door <joining in> MAKES IT EASIER FOR DRIVE-BY BAZOOKA ATTACKS

Writer joke:
Wife: “You need to do more chores around the house”.
Husband: “Can we change the subject?”
Wife: “Ok, more chores around the house need to be done by you.”

Today I learned my laser pointer can go all the way to the bar across the street.

Drunk people still think there’s a sniper somewhere.

I love when you look into someone’s eyes and you can just see their face light up because they are some sort of cyborg with face lighting.

[watching as my wife throws out a box of miscellaneous cords] no! my legacy

My girlfriend broke up with me because she and I had different opinions. My opinion was that I was worth dating.

My son is screaming his head off in his room but there’s no way I’m going in there if his monster reports are true.

The best part about sleeping alone is not having to share my blanket or rotisserie chicken

How long do you think Samara from The Ring has been waiting for someone else to watch that videotape now?

I wrote a screenplay
-No you didn’t
About our Savior
-Just stop
Opening Judea’s best ice cream shop
-Shut up
It’s Jesus Christ, Scooper Star

Things that are dangerous-

-riding a motorcycle
-sharks
-riding sharks

Cartoons taught me that if you got a bucket rammed onto your head, when you got it off, your head would be shaped like the bucket. Well after this morning I can tell you, that is a total lie

the boss has a new hairpiece and i’m trying real hard not to laugh

I’m no blood spatter expert, but by the look of this bathroom floor, you’re pulling your tampons out way too fast.

There’s no limit to a child’s imagination? My 2 year old is yelling at me for taking too big of a bite from her pretend sandwich and she can’t make another one because we’re all out of pretend bread.

{Horses on a road trip passing my house}
HORSE 1: *Points at me in my yard* Human.

not to brag but i don’t need alcohol to send texts i’ll regret

Good potato salad is like money. You never have as much as you want, and that’s probably a good thing.

We have a lot of famous Chrises;
Hemsworth, Evans, Pratt, Pine, and the infamous -tal Meth

A few years ago I started texting joke ideas to myself and after a few months I found out I’d typed my own number wrong when I got a text back that “please stop doing this”

Doc: How much exercise you get in a week?
Me: Does sex count?
Doc: Yes
Me: None

The first clue I had taken the “eyes on the back of my head” thing too far was when the teacher asked why my kid thinks I’m an alien

Yesterday I went to the grocery store and I managed to come home without any junk food.

Now I’m mad that we don’t have any junk food.

I introduced my kids to the “magical snap of sleep”, when I snap my fingers the person in bed falls instantly asleep, it worked beautifully on my husband but the kids are still awake

WIFE: You can’t tell kids they’re grounded anymore
ME: Why not?
W: They weren’t our kids
M: You did see how badly they packed our groceries?

If I suddenly had the ability to teleport, I’d spend an entire day popping up naked in front of people and asking for John Connor.

If you want to rob a white person, just say: “Stop, collaborate, and listen,” then steal their stuff while they rap the rest of the song.