I think I’m about six months away from the perfect ‘before’ picture.
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wife: I want you-
me: [takes off clothes]
wife: -to do the laundry
me: [puts them in washer]
DOCTOR: *holding $5 bill* what’s this for?
ME: it’s a tip
DOCTOR: okay, but you still need to lose weight
ME: *hands him $20 bill*
why is college the only institution that keeps asking you for donations after you’ve already paid? if my dentist called every 6 months saying “donate $200 to be in the Elite Teeth Club” I would call the police
It finally happened.
After living here 11 years, my neighbors finally caught me outside and introduced themselves.
Poor character written by an author who has experienced poverty: My problem is that I’m $300 short on the rent and now my car is making a noise
Poor character written by a rich author: My problem is that I feel so inferior beside these beautiful, sophisticated rich people
Cant believe they scheduled work at my 9-5 job the day after I decided to get drunk on a Wednesday I am appalled
DATE: [whispering in my ear] i’ve got a secret
ME: [also whispering] is it tacos
DATE: [giggles] no
ME: can it be tacos
*rage dresses
*rage stomps down stairs
*rage closes neighbors banging garbage can lid flapping in wind
*rage stomps upstairs
*rage undresses
This is a whole mood;
“it’s my expert opinion we need to remove all your bones”
wait you’re not my doctor
*a bunch of dogs fall out of the lab coat and run away*
Leo: Your natural selfishness will play to your advantage today when you spot a donut in the hands of a child you could easily overpower.
[a doomsday prepper whose rations from Y2K just ran out today emerging from his shelter] hey everyone hows it going
It’s getting Hot In Herre, so take off all your clothes! Also, drink this water because I don’t want you to get dehydrated.
-Nervous Nelly
I get it cicadas, I too come once every seven years
Her: Don’t talk to me until I’ve had my coffee.
Me: Okay. When will that be?
Her: Oh, I don’t drink coffee.
[first day as burglar]
me : OMG SNACKS
Throwing away any pizza crust is bad enough, but my son’s friend threw away a stuffed crust and he is no longer welcome in this house.
Joke’s on them; I DIDN’T make my bed and I’m STILL gonna lie in it!
Amazon Prime: can I take your order
Megatron: hi, I’d like… omg
Amazon Prime: *horrified* oh no
Megatron: YOU ARE Amazon Prime lol
Amazon Prime: *holding back tears* it’s just a job
I have the flu. And as a parent, that means absolutely nothing about my day changes.
Me: People who are superstitious about the number 13 are silly. It’s just a number.
Also me: *cannot have the total amount on a gas station pump end in anything but an even number or the number 5*
If you pretend you’re skimming you can straight up throw rocks at people.
Quit making fun of my barbed wire tattoo literally no one has even tried climbing over my arm since I got it.
we just got an unexpected parcel from my mother in law with a lovely set of iron windchimes and we could not figure out why on earth she’d sent us a gift so we rang her and turns out we both forgot it’s our anniversary tomorrow
Since I’m not a doctor, my Indian mom is rage thanking the medical professionals
People will stop talking to you if you repeat what they said in air quotes.
So what happens to the pizza at the end of a porn film?
DTF (Down time finally)
-mom’s everywhere
College graduates look awfully happy for people who’ll never have an entire summer off again.