“I think I’m falling for you.”
-replacement skydivers
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My daughter just said it’s cold outside so she’s going to wear “a long sleeve shirt and long sleeve shorts.” Pants. She’s going to wear pants.
*runs thru a couple holding hands like it’s the finish line of a marathon.
What we really mean when we say parenting gets “easier” is that kids eventually sleep more and get their own snacks.
When a waiter doesn’t write down the order and someone in your group asks for no pickles and you know that’s going to be thing that wrecks it for everybody.
Doctor: “You have a blockage in your small & large intestine”
Barista: …
Barista: …
Doctor: *Sigh* “Ok, Tall & Venti intestine.”
Show your guy you love him by making him lasagna.
Write his name in the cheese.
Leave it on his porch.
His wife is home.
Write hers too.
how to beat an egg:
– literally pick any game you want, they dont even have hands
How close to the road does something have to be to assume it’s free to take, because that’s a really cool mailbox.
Dear Electric Company,
You’re welcome. Go buy yourself something special.
-My family, every summer.
Give me one good reason why I shouldn’t use an everything bagel as a loofah in the shower tomorrow
my phone: here’s a
n o t i f i c a t i o nme: not now my little radiation rectangle, not now
me: i can’t remember my password
my brain: how about an embarrassing memory
A mom hits peak passive aggressive when faced with the request “tell me a story”
Well Billy, once upon a time there was a little boy who literally never picked up his shit
Weaknesses.
Secret Panel HERE 💥
I set my alarm for 3:30 am so I could get up and bark in my dog’s sleeping face. So starts the best day of my life…
My kid said if I don’t stop calling it ‘Instantgram’ that he won’t talk to me for the entire Summer. So I’m going to start saying ‘The Facebook’ as well, just to be sure.
Boss to staff: “What incentives would make you work harder?”
Staff member: “Bonus!”
Boss: “I’m not boning any of you.”
Daily ‘Facts About CHEESE’
Fact About Cheese #3:
“String Cheese. Is not made of string.”
Michael Phelps & I have a combined 19 gold medals & 4 DUI’s.
[4 hours later]
Tyler Durden: And the 351st rule of Fight Club is you absolutely CANNOT substitute baking powder with baking soda when making pancakes
Hamburger helps those who hamburger help themselves.
Married people upset because their TC’s “cheated” on them is the real matrix.
“It’s a bird!”
[Superman zooms down to inches away from the screaming guy’s face]
S: Birds can’t go that fast Sean. What are you an idiot
I always carry a megaphone in my purse, in case I wander off and get lost at Costco.
What book is a red flag for you if your date says it’s their favorite? For me it’s the dictionary. Nobody should know that many words
It’s my mate’s birthday today. He doesn’t drink, smoke, gamble or cheat on his missus. We’ve got no idea how to celebrate it.
I may be angry on the outside, but inside me beats a heart of stone…
“Do you need help with your math homework Billy?”
“Yeah I sure do Dad!”
“Well you’re shit out of luck”
I don’t think the comings and goings of Cotton eyed Joe warrant a whole song.