Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[car accident]

Other driver: YOU TURNED INTO ME!

Me: *looking at hands* like Freaky Friday?

Beerventory: Verb. The act of checking how many beers ya got BEFORE you start drinking to avoid running out when you can’t drive for more.

If your coffee shop has a passive aggressive “no wifi pretend it’s the old days” sign I’m gonna smoke in there & pay 50 cents for coffee.

Her: I want to have your babies.
Me: You’ll have to wait until they get off from school.

dating apps never work for me because i need at least two years of friendship charged with weird sexual tension to even consider falling in love

Cabin crew: Is there a Dr on board?

Me: I am a Dr

Cabin crew: Thank God. We have a question about the 18th century textile trade in Northern Africa

Me: Ah. I’m afraid my PhD is in the ceramics of Northern Europe, 1672 – 1701

Our credit card was stolen but
I decided not to report it ….

The thief is spending less
than my wife did.

inventor of the bow and arrow:
I will now demonstrate my exciting new technique for pointing at someone who is very very far away-OH NO

I talk to my librarian like he’s my drug dealer.

“You don’t have it yet? I need something now; what’ve you got? But it has to be POWERFUL!”

what forbidden atrocity did Santa Clause commit to be cursed to have to drink 500,000,000 glasses of warm milk in one night every year for eternity?

Me: This milk tastes funny

Lactating clown: Thank you

Me: I was watching this great reality show where the husband, wife, and kids were at each other’s throat over everything. It was great drama! Then you interrupted me.

Cop: That was your neighbors mail slot. Hands behind your back.

“I may have to take you up on that,” I say to a person I will never speak to again.

My friend and I were talking about food and he said “I’m not a big Chinese guy” and I was like “I know you’re not”

me: you take my breath away!

scuba instructor: sir, just give me the tank

This year I’m gonna get healthy and start dating and find a husband and shit rainbows and ride a unicorn. It’s good to have goals.

A lot of people don’t realize that Donald Glover and Childish Gambino are actually Hannah Montana

didn’t even know there was an election going on. as a registered voter in the state of pennsylvania, i wish someone could text me 12-15 times a day in an increasingly desperate tone about this upcoming event, which i had forgotten about

I’m only seeing the new Jurassic Park if the dinosaurs aren’t a metaphor for anything. Don’t want to look at a stegosaurus and have to think about neoliberalism or the modern surveillance state

Airport prices are crazy. 5 billion dollars? For an airport?

cat: *slowly approaches new vase*

me: you don’t wanna do that

vase: *pushes cat off the table*

me: i warned you

the person who wrote the program that estimates how much time is left on a software update did not take their job seriously at all

If you think I’m annoying, give it some time. You’ll know for sure pretty soon.

me: the good news is I got the job. the bad news is I have to wear a suit

her: that’s not so bad

[next day]
me: *putting on a hotdog outfit* wish me luck

her: I see

Crypto is over. This is the year of cryptic currency. Pay for your groceries with a mumbled prophecy and a cursed stone.

[God & his assistant making giraffes]

ASST: Say “when” once the neck is long enough, k?

*God is on his iPhone not really paying attention*

This guy at the bar just said nobody gets off earth alive. And he and his buddies sat there for a second before the chick in the middle says “what about astronauts” and I love her

You think you have it rough? I’m playing hangman with a 6yo who can’t spell.

I am not saying I am way behind on laundry but the fact that my husband is wearing swim trunks around the house today sure does