I think I’m finally becoming more mature. Now when I watch Spongebob I usually agree with Squidward.
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BROTHER: The Godfather is on? That’s not very Thanksgiving-y.
ME: Well, it’s about family…
I wonder if anyone ever told Hitler “just be yourself”.
*My Gym Schedule*
Monday: Cardio
Tuesday: Intense weight training
Wednesday: Aerobics, dynamic strength training
Thursday: 3 year break
How to Parallel Park
1. Back in slowly
2. Nope wrong angle
3. Oh god, ur holding up traffic
4. Keep driving forever, u live in the car now
Her: “Wanna get some coffee?”
Me: “I actually don’t like coffee”
Her: *Gasp*
The whole town: *Gasp*
All of New York: *Gasp*
The media: “This just in *Gasp*”
The world: *Gasp*
Aliens: *Fleeb* (Gasp)
*donates body to science*
Science: “I have a boyfriend”
Holmes: “I say, old bean, is that mud on your boots?” Watson: “No, shit, Sherlock”
i will avenge u mr van gogh
As I basted the turkey, I swear I heard it say “just not in my hair”
[Toy Story 5: The College Years]
girl: do I give you a woody?Andy: don’t– hey, don’t call it that
When people ask me about my hobbies, I tell them I’m into birdwatching, photography and meeting new people.
It sounds better than stalking.
Car commercials grossly overestimate how much time I spend driving around in the desert
Saying you wanted to know where I came from is no excuse for banging my mom.
I now identify as an avocado.
I’m “good fat”.
“Is that your dog?”
“No, actually she’s adopted… we were unable to conceive a dog naturally ourselves”
The story of the Titanic speaks to me because I once tripped over a bag of ice at a party & then killed over 1,500 people.
When I’m in a conference room all by myself I like to pretend I’m having a very important meeting with chairs about chair shit.
five mistletoes make up a mistlefoot thank you for your time
Whoever coined, “No good deed goes unpunished,” must have fed some seagulls.
just yelled YOU DONT KNOW ME at uplifting bathroom graffiti that read “you are enough”
If you pedal backwards on a Peloton, fried chicken appears in the cup holder.
For those without heat in Texas, there are warming shelters throughout the state. See map at link below or call 211 for assistance. If you have a medical device that requires power, call 911. Texas twitter, please add additional resources to this thread.
[Casting Meeting]
Director: Did we get Cruise?
Producer: Tom said he’ll do it if we get Willis.
Me: So we’re Cruise in for a Bruce in?
Freddie Mercury: I’m just a poor boy, nobody loves me
Chorus of Dads: HI JUST A POOR BOY, I’M DAD! SPARE HIM HIS LIFE FROM THIS MONSTROSITY
I think the elementary school music teacher was overly optimistic when she said we may recognize this next song.
coworker: what do u think happens after we die
me: when I die, nothing
coworker: what about when I die
me: I get arrested
*maintains eye contact while slowly eating an unpealed pineapple*
V-Day Single: “I am missing out on so much joy.”
V-Day, Dating: *stresses out over finding the perfect gift*
V-Day Married: “We should probably, like, go out or something.”
V-Day Married w/ Kids: “You need how many valentines? For people who can’t even read yet? By when?”
It’s weird how we get born in the same city as our favorite sports teams
ME: Sorry boss, I can’t make it in today. Because of Ebola.
BOSS: You have Ebola?
ME: No but someone does and I am FREAKING THE HELL OUT