Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

4: What does antique mean?

Me: It means old-

4: Oh…like you?

You don’t wash your hands. Technically they wash themselves.

If you’re reading this, congratulations on not being raptured. Im glad you’re still here.

Remember kids, every weekend can be a three day weekend if you’re still too drunk from Thursday! 🍻

You can tell I come from a long line of hunters the way I cunningly stalk the rare Totino’s Frozen Pizza.

I accidentally said erotic instead of erratic and I guess I’m attracted to squirrels now.

[Waiting at the dentist]

*leans over to stranger*

I’ll clean your teeth for half price.

The TP factory remains safe, as the would-be theives were flushed out before they could wipe up the inventory.

Donald Trump’s chief speechwriter is a random deck from Cards Against Humanity.

I’ve discovered a magical land through the back of the wardrobe, it’s inhabitants are similar to my neighbours, albeit a lot more hostile.

Me: School is delayed. There’s too much ice.

5-year-old: *whispering* Thanks, Elsa.

“Mom, I promise I won’t interrupt your nap.” “Thanks honey, could I finish peeing by myself?”

Toy Story (1995) – A influential local leader harasses an immigrant who is struggling to adapt to local customs.

Seems like I can’t even sit on a park bench anymore without someone’s henchman sneaking by to swap briefcases

If you’re going to stare all night and not say hello, do you mind taking your fingers and squishing my head from across the room?

I’ve been watching far to many episodes of Extreme Homes. I want one made of containers, w/solar panels,heated floors, recessed lighting, indoor pool w waterfall/swim up bar, and windows to the ocean & garden on my roof. Floating.

I can’t make everyone happy, I’m not lasagna.

But I can cause heartburn like red sauce.

i physically cannot make a spotify playlist without adding every song i’ve ever liked. i’ll start one called “sad :(” and it’ll end up with temperature by sean paul on it

No one can handle that

“And on the 8th day, God created the platypus because he had some spare parts and thought a hairy duck might be fun.” – Genesis 51:12

Someone told me carrots with dry ranch seasoning tastes like Doritos, do not tell me this pandemic didn’t mess with people’s minds. You know what tastes like Doritos? Doritos.

Wife: you’re so damn forgetful!

M: oh nonsense!

W: ok, did you get the cat food?

M: WE HAVE A CAT??

Rich people don’t buy lottery tickets, what does that tell you about lottery tickets?

Nothing like a thumb injury to make you realize how many things require two hands.

Oh, you want to lift your pants back up? Lol

How to be a politician 101:

Answer all yes/no questions with the words “Well, look” and then answer a completely different question.

You know you where drunk last night when you realise you cooked your pizza for 200 minutes at 18 degrees

My kids had to work extra hard this morning but they were able to get the clean house back to it’s normal messy state just in time for the guests to arrive.

I often find myself singing in the shower, which can be extremely frightening. Is he a clone!? What is this place! SOMEBODY HELP ME.

Santa: hey I’m 🎶coming to town!

me: oh great that’s-

Santa: I see you when you’re sleeping. I know when you’re awake

me: uh

Santa: I know if you’ve been bad or good so-

me: please don’t come to town

*experiences all five stages of grief while the waiter walks by my table with what I thought was my dinner*