Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Don’t you hate it when you’ve been working out for 2 hours and realize it’s only been 15 minutes?

if we get nuked while i’m at work i’m gonna be so mad

*lies down on couch*
*turns on TV*
*covers up with blanket*
*adjusts pillows perfectly*
[from other room: “Honey can you come here please?”]

How many babies got thrown out with the bathwater before they invented that saying?

I hate when scientists are like “some insects can see colors we can’t.” Like ok? What colors? Quickly.

I didn’t say you are fat, I just said that going out with you feels like going on a double date

[goes back to Target just for the things I forgot]

cashier: that’ll be $337.48 and can you describe the children

With my pasty white skin, ample curves, & hatred of manual labor, I would have dominated the 16th century.

INTERVIEWER: that’s not what I meant by “what’s your strong suit”

ME: oh *putting shirt back on over superman costume* I’m quite good at excel

“I want to leave my children in a better place.” sounds so much more positive than, “man abandons children at Disney World.”

Never call it a guest room.
That’s just asking for trouble.

Me: I don’t remember this mirror being here before

Wife: you’re watching a documentary about warthogs

[at the vets]

ME: I think my chicken is refusing to lay eggs to spite me

VET: Your chicken is a cock

ME: Tell me about it

I’m not saying I drink a lot of wine but I am saying my dentist sent me flowers for switching from red wine to white.

ME: we have a problem, they’re out of hot dogs

HER: that’s ok, i’m vegan

ME: ok we have two problems

Ironically when you cut your own hair the bar for success is not looking like you cut your own hair.

At the International League of Assassins

Me: Do you guys have a summer internship or is it mostly “on the job” training?

I wonder how many other Sandy’s have come into men’s lives and taken their cars and houses, too.

Throw away an avocado skin?
In this economy?

*makes avocado skin suits.
*sells them on Etsy.

Friend: wow you can actually sing!

Me at 2 beers: lol stfu

Me at 9 beers: we are a band now

wife [gives me piece of fruit] Try this
me: Tastes like hand sanitizer
wife: Did you just use hand sanitizer?
me: Yeah
wife
me
wife
me: Why?

Me: I lost 13 pounds.

Also Me: I’m going to celebrate with cake!

Remember when you were small & all you wanted was a pony but your parents were high on meth & thought the house was already full of ponies?

I fall in love too easily.

Wait..

It’s ditches, I fall in ditches too easily

For my 40th birthday present, my husband replaced a pan that he broke and that’s how I know he’ll never be able to leave me for another woman

Me: Sweetie, I think these wireless headphones you got me are defective.
Wife: Those are earmuffs.

Dumplings,

Me washing my car
Neighbour: Hey what’s up? Washing your car?
Me: No, I’m watering it to see if it’ll grow into a bus.

DATE: You hear that an ostrich escaped from the zoo?
ME: [from the kitchen] No
DATE: Oh. What’s for dinner?
ME: A suspiciously large chicken

Wife: I don’t think those fireworks look safe to use-

Me: [lighting fireworks] who you think I’m gonna believe? You, or Six-Fingered Pete?