Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Not everything is a competition and I bet I’m better at accepting that then you are!

I’m at my most ninja when the motion sensor sink don’t work.

[getting a checkup]
DOCTOR: On average, how much alcohol do you drink in a day?
ME: *sweating* NO ONE SAID THERE WOULD BE ANY MATH

Wikigenius

Hungover? Hydrate. Depressed? Hydrate. Want to make a good first impression on others? Hydrate.

Pay your exorcist or you may get repossessed.

Made something I’m not proud of

If crying kids on planes bother you, just have 5 of your own, so that next time you hear one, you’ll be like “Thank God that isn’t mine.”

There’s a Hanna-Barbera Godzilla coloring book filled with awful jokes. But if you rearrange some pages, a tragic story unfolds

If you cut me off in traffic you better be ready to look in your rearview mirror and see me yelling something you can’t hear.

Googling symptoms only tells you which diseases have the best SEO

Disgusting if literal: Liverpool

One of the best facts is that sharks are older than Saturn’s rings because it suggests that sharks might somehow have noticed, like they might have looked up one day and said ‘wait, have you done something different with your satellites?’

Remember how judgey we thought we’d be if our kid said “wow! My teacher drinks a lot”

CANCELLING MY DENTIST APPOINTMENT THE LAST 4 TIMES:
-Sad
-Embarrassing
-Pretended it was a scheduling issue but they knew I was lying

CANCELLING MY DENTIST APPOINTMENT TODAY:
-Brave
-Iconic
-Protecting the world by not letting a stranger put his fingers in my mouth

I want to do the #nakedchallenge to see my boyfriend’s reaction, I just need a tiktok account and a boyfriend

*Batman, Superman, and Wonder Woman all avoiding eye contact with Aquaman as he walks in to work & sees Michael Phelps sitting at his desk*

Watching my roommate mow the grass and pretending I’m at a fancy hotel. Saying things like “they do a beautiful job here”

OMG. My wife’s boyfriend made such a fuss when I told his parents at dinner about how noisy those two are in bed.

are you a female guitar player with a breathy, annoying voice? congratulations Starbucks will play your music, no questions asked

I call my ex “Appendix” because he didn’t seem to have a specific purpose and removing it didn’t change a thing in my life.

“Installing this app on a smartphone or tablet will mean everyone in the house can easily adjust the thermostat.”

Dads in unison: “Nooooo!”

Cutting the mail slot in my door bigger to fit a pizza box.

My husband still waves to policemen like a 5 year old.

“I SWEAR I DON’T KNOW WHERE THEY KEEP THE TREATS, PLEASE, I HAVE A FAMILY”

I hate killing bugs so instead I spend hours trying to get it in a cup so I can toss it outside after accidentally taking off 3 of its legs.

10 years ago, as a joke, I told everyone I was giving up sex for Lent. Haven’t gotten laid since. Well played, God.

The car you buy should say something about you, and not just ramble on about itself like you’re not even there.

shark: *smirking* no hablo inglés

My phone refuses to recognize that Transatlanticism is a word. Do you know how hard it is to get through that word without predictive text. And I talk about Transatlanticism a LOT