Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

You can put refrigerator magnets on your car, too. There are no rules.

I’m at a stage in life where I still want to be sexy but
WHY DO YOU KEEP WIPING YOUR BOOGERS ON MOMMY?!!

I had to delete Facebook because I liked too many pictures of dogs yesterday and now the newsfeed algorithm thinks I care about those people

i got 99 problems and being upside down ain’t one

ok wait i got 66 problems

I jokingly asked my mom if I was born with a tail and she started acting all weird like someone who gave birth to a baby with a tail

[sees cute girl jog by]
“Imma run up and ask her out”
[one block later still not caught up]
“Ok, wow, we probably weren’t soul mates anyway”

WIFE: Sometimes I worry about the example you set for our son.

[Both me and our son eating shredded cheese by the handful]
ME: Can you give me a for instance?

“My pleasure, doll”
“My pleasure doll”

Commas can make a world of difference…

I had day surgery today (nothing big) and they were like “don’t make any important decisions in the next 24 hours bc you might not remember them.” But I had to go grocery shopping. Later Morgan was like “you bought … so much, like a lot, of cheese.”

Meanwhile, a pug wearing an ugly Christmas sweater is having a doggy wedding in Central Park, while I can’t even get a girl to text me back

My dog wants to register me as her emotional support animal. She’s already called the vet for the required paperwork and ordered me a vest.

The ice cubes in my parents’ freezer are original.

[job interview]
Me: Time travel
Boss: What is your biggest stren—WHAT?!

When someone comments that you look like you don’t have an evil bone in your body, it’s always good to have your xrays on hand to prove them wrong.

Look, if Jesus had risen from the grave, it should’ve been how to tell us how to get boiled eggs peeled perfectly.

My dog plays tug of war in a ‘keep it, you want it more than me’ fashion.

“Choose password”
> 123bob

“Password must not contain common names & must be complex with at least 50 characters”
> gameofthrones

“OK”

I got a Ouija board tattooed on my back to trick ghosts into giving me massages.

Sorry my diet made me slap the oreo out of your toddler’s hand and scream “NOT TODAY SATAN!”

unironically true. mcdonalds ice cream machines are made by Taylor Company, which prohibits mcdonalds locations from repairing the machines, so they have to call Taylor to have them fixed for a fee. the machine’s purpose is not to make ice cream, its purpose is to need repairs

Ok, I’m finally off dairy. Next is sugar, then heroin.

*Sees feelings chasing me down.
*Builds wall of McDonald’s fries.
*Crisis averted.

just walked in on my son playing cards against humanity by himself like solitaire

Sexy Time:

*removes fluffy bathrobe to reveal second even fluffier bathrobe*

[date]
Clark Kent: I propose a toast
*they take their glasses off the table*
Lois Lane: omg it’s Supertable!

new record!

It takes 72 hours to make a rare steak in an Easy Bake oven so my dinner party might be delayed a bit.

Eggnostic is when you don’t know which came first, the chicken or the egg

A good way to make sure people leave you alone at work? Let them catch you laughing at the urinal

I just saw a commercial that invited me to watch more of it on the internet! Bc That’s the problem w/commercials! They’re not long enough!