Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

The reason I like true crime stuff is you can watch it and be like, “damn, I really do have my shit together. I almost never murder my whole family”

[girl interrupting my sexting] please eat the potato salad with your mouth closed

I’m going to bed and my hair looks amazing; I feel like the woman in every mattress commercial.

ME: does this apartment have a pizza cellar
REALTOR: again, i dont know what that is

I used to blame all my problems on my parents, but now that I’m a grown up, I have come to terms with the fact that when bad things happen to me, it’s probably just that Mercury’s in retrograde again.

MOCKINGBIRD: Blah blah blah! Harper Lee is an idiot!
HARPER LEE: I just had a great idea for a book.

I’m not going to pay a million dollars to go see a Macbeth movie when I can print off the Shakespeare script for free and go be all the characters in my car

teacher: “there are no stupid questions”

me: “ya ok but why isnt the plural of moose, meese”

I #respectfully #trot when you let me cross the street in front of you. I salute the #power of the automobile.

mary: my water broke

joseph: why do I smell grapes

What I say: Sorry baby, they were out of bubblegum flavored medicine…Grape, will have to do.

What my child hears: I don’t love you, never have…Now drink your poison.

[speed dating]

HER: I guess I’m just looking for someone who’s like my father

ME [trying to impress]: a bunny’s favorite music is hip hop

Kid: *from the back seat* Daddy, when a snowflake gets made, how does one side know what the other side looks like?

Me: It’s because…holy shit

Kid: You just ran that stop sign

Me: Shut up give me a second

Boss: I’m sorry Howard but we are going to have to let you go.

Howard: What? Why? Oh, is this because I was late? I called you and told that I got a flat tire on the way to work, I even texted you a picture.

Boss: No Howard, it’s because you stabbed Kevin in the parking lot.

BREAKING: Metropolitan Police have stated that whoever broke into Scotland Yard last night and locked all their case files in a picnic basket has seriously hampered their investigations.

thinking of starting a true crime podcast. gotta explain this search history somehow

[the seventh day]

God: *walks in wearing bangs*

Angel: maybe you should rest

Nothing judges you harder than a cat staring at you.

harry potter: i’m depressed

dumbledore: your parents died when you were a baby, cedric and your godfather were killed in front of you, a homicidal maniac is trying to kill you. i get it

harry: yeah

dumbledore: so i need you to go on a deadly quest to find some soul trinkets

me: do you want to feel my face, i’m very handsome

blind date: you do know i’m not actually blind, right?

me: *stuffing ryan gosling bust back into my bag* yes of course

If stores want to accurately display clothes for people over 40 the mannequins should be laying on a couch after 5PM.

Robot bartender rips me in half after listening to my problems for over an hour.

I don’t think the church is going to let me pick music for the bible group again. In my defense, the band name “Lamb of God” is misleading.

My mother-in-law threatened me the other day and when I say threatened, I mean she told me that she was going to live until she was 100 years old

Kid just asked “why is it called ‘flipping the bird’? Why not turtle? Flipping the Turtle.” I can’t even answer that bc WHY NOT TURTLE?!

My stalker twisted his ankle, so now I have to walk slower for 2-3 weeks.

there’s music for literally every activity

Losing a loved one during the holidays is tough. My dad died during Toyotathon

Him: “I’ve seen people cry at weddings, but not the rehearsal dinner.”

Me: “I usually don’t cry…but these potatoes are just so awesome!”

Coaching softball is wild because you get to call timeouts to teach valuable life lessons or sometimes just because your pitcher lost her tooth and she needs you to hold it for the Tooth Fairy.