I think I’m going to Bangladesh.
Ladesh: I have a boyfriend.
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When people say let’s stop fighting and act like a family, that’s where I get confused.
oh, you’re in a situationship?
are you the one with commitment issues or the one with low self worth?
Yoga was invented in 1301 when a Buddhist monk fell down a big hill slowly.
The person that joins a Zoom meeting where everyone’s video is off and leaves their camera on is the same person that reminded the teacher that she forgot to assign that night’s homework.
[Limbo contest]
Everyone: *Chanting* How low can you go? How low can you go?
Me: I once stole a guide dog
I just ate an apple to keep doctors off me, now what do I need to eat to dodge the cops?
this lady on nextdoor was like “we’ve had this chihuahua for ten years but we had a baby so now we’re getting rid of our dog does anyone want him” and i replied “rehome the baby” and now IM the bad guy?
Her: I like dogs
Me: *dies in 10-13 years*
I think I found a perfect place for Spongebob.
My weirdo cat only drinks from a glass on the kitchen bench. I was chatting to a visiting friend in the kitchen and noticed the cat glass was empty so I filled it. 5 minutes later it was empty again. My friend had just drunk two delicious glasses of cat water. I didn’t tell him.
I hate it when I forget to cut the tags off my sandwich and everyone’s like “New sandwich?”
Went out of town, came back and the roomba changed all the locks
I’m down 10 lbs since Christmas and all I did was drink more water and stop eating gingerbread houses.
[when we’re a quarter of the way there]
Bon Jovi: OOOOOOOOOH WE-
Me: not yet Bon Jovi
Is this a make-up removing cloth or 60 grit sandpaper?
I would not hook up with the grinch but i would feel good if i found that he wanted hook up with me
Netflix should have a catergory called “easy to follow while looking at my phone the whole time”
My gang hand signals look a lot like the finger in the hole motion, followed by the call me gesture.
“I don’t know why you don’t just leave him, Elaine.”
[frantically pressing buttons on spaceship control panel] WHICH ONE IS FOR POPCORN
My kids and I are exact opposites.
They cry when I walk away, and I cry when they walk towards me.
Please stop telling me how long your baby is in inches. I need something more visually relatable. Oh, your baby was 3.5 hot dogs long? Cool.
“Have you met my other half?”
– Former magician’s assistant and victim of tragic “sawing a woman in two” trick.
Melania Trump says her husband is “not Hitler.” That’s true. Hitler had a mustache and adult-sized hands.
DETECTIVE: what do you think killed these two birds?
ME: [picking up the only stone near their bodies] idk maybe the bird flu.
(Overheard in Connecticut)
“Why is the flag at the bank flying at half staff?”
“Maybe because the market has been going down?”
Car trouble, miss? Allow me to squint, and posture heroically while staring at your labyrinthine engine as panic cascades through my spine.
not to brag but i finished this 14 day diet in 3 hours and 38 minutes.
If you ever feel like a complete moron never forget that I managed to text my wife today that she forgot her mobile at home. You’re welcome.
They named it Galaxy Note because when you take this thing out of your pocket, the entire Galaxy can note that it’s been taken out.