I think I’m going to Bangladesh.
Ladesh: I have a boyfriend.
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ME: Thanks for all you did man. It’s because of people like you, we have our freedom.
HIM: Again, I’m a veterinarian.
corn maze employee: you can’t smoke in here
me: [flicking lighter] stand back, i’m popping my way out
We have plumbers working in our house. I just heard one of them say “Lefty loosey, righty tighty.” I know we’re in good hands.
“Here’s the problem… You’ve got a Pokémon up there”
– me, as a proctologist
Engraved on my tombstone:
No matter how the ground shakes
or what you hear,
please do not dig me up.Especially at night.
If the voices in my head had a British accent, I would do what they say more often.
Yes, yes, his usual hard boiled egg cut, please.
Updating my resume. Anyone got a more professional word for “dumpster fire?”
🤔🔥📝
[having sex with centaur]
ME: *man that fortune cookie was spooky accurate*
Lady at the dollar store checked to see if my $20 was fake. Like if I could counterfeit money I’d be shopping at the dollar store.
Son: Dad, I’d like you to meet my girlfriend
Me: That’s a raccoon
Son:
Me: *tearing up* I’m so proud of you
Person: Hi, my name is *my brain plays 3 seconds of air horn*
Me: I’m sorry, what was that?
Person: I’m *air horn*
Me: Again?
Person:
(Court)
Judge: You’re on trial for excessive use of astronomy puns. How do you plead?Defendant: *leans in until lips are on mic* No comet.
[the invention of ping pong]
“I don’t want this tiny ball.”
“Well, neither do I.”
“That makes me very angry.”
“Me too.”
Before our first date, I texted him: Look for a tall, young, leggy brunette. I’ll be the short middle-aged blonde next to HER.
“god I love doggy style” I say excitedly as I put a top hat and bow tie on my golden lab
[first day as lawyer]
me: obj—
judge: —shut up noob
According to HR, we’re not allowed to staple our colleagues’ tie to the wall when he’s being annoying
That is some bullshit
doctor: i have the results of your cholesterol test
me: did i pass? haha
doctor: no but you will very soon
It wasn’t a crisis until my mother heard about it.
vegetarian: i’m a vegetarian
every mother-in-law: so do you eat fish
waiter: do you have any allergies?
me: latex
waiter: I mean is there anything you can’t eat
me: airplanes
When in doubt, ask yourself WWBD: What Would Beyoncé Do? Would she apply for a job? Nope. She’d just show up one day like “I work here now.”
me: check out that beach body
other forensic detective: stop calling it that
our bidet has two settings: babbling brook or pressure wash 30-year-old grime off the sidewalk
My iPhone does NOT rule my life.
Battery – Don’t worry, Siri. I got this.
[sees man with a dracula tattoo] *whispers to self* vamp stamp
First date the man should pick up the bill. In the absence of a bill look for William instead.
If parenting has taught me anything, it’s that you only give your toddler as much juice as you’d like to see on the floor
Home Alone teaches us that a child can’t pack a suitcase but can create a fully functional flame thrower to harm a small New Jersey man.