I think I’m going to try to drink a half gallon of water a day for the next month to get a bit healthier, so if anyone knows any single men into water sports lemme know.
No weirdos.
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Got a light
Lie about the gap in your resume. Tell them you had to help hobbits take a ring to Mordor or something
Those who cannot remember the past are condemned to do something, I forget what, but it’s something inconvenient.
ME [explaining Daylight Savings Time]: yeah, you can just do crimes. that entire hour DOES NOT count. legally speaking
Big thanks to everyone who bought us wedding china. I think about you every time we move.
I don’t think you’re a bad person. I just think you’re immature and lack intelligence. Hope that helps!
my mom has been using 💦 to describe crying and when I told her to stop it, she made me tell her why and now it’s so quiet in here.
Boys get 1 polo shirt and wear it till the horse dies!!
Dear 16, Just between you and me, you CAN actually use too much Axe body spray. Love, Exasperated Mom
Why is it when the sun blacks out on a Monday afternoon it’s an “amazing natural phenomenon” but when I do it’s a “problem”
Happy return of “yes of course it’s bedtime see how dark it is outside” to all parents who celebrate
Big deal, snakes that can unhinge their jaw, I can unhinge my whole self.
My daughter is at that age where she’s starting to get bouquets of flowers from boys. I’m at that age where the next time I get flowers, it will be at my funeral.
We only have one day set aside to celebrate women, but sharks get a whole week! Clearly, women need to start eating more people.
I fell asleep at 3:45. My 5yo woke up at 6:30.
Use protection, young people.
I don’t sign anything if they don’t give me time to pretend to read it first.
random guy came up to me today and asked for my autograph, and i gotta say i was flattered. a little strange that the only piece of paper he happened to have on him was a life insurance policy on me for $1 million, but sometimes that’s just how it works out!
ME: what are those little bugs hovering around the basket of grapes?
GUY: fruit flies I think
ME: *rolls eyes* no it doesn’t, doug
[First date]
Her: i’m a criminal lawyer, what do you do?
Me: really, well it just so happens that I… (trying to impress her) …am a criminal
[first/last day working at an Italian restaurant]
CUSTOMER: what types of pasta do you have?
ME: we have spaghetti, vermicelli, rigatoni, enrico palazzo, falsetto, versace and fellatio
I like to forget Instagram exists for weeks at a time then remember and send 83 chubby animal videos to my best friend.
The kids report cards are coming out today so I’m excited to see how I did.
Me trying to reach for my goals
Don’t watch nature documentaries with me unless you want more information than the narration provides.
Cats don’t understand movie/TV production, so they must just think some WILD shit happens outside of one window in our house.
The letter n always has to be the centre of attention.
Once broke up with a girl cuz I didn’t like the way she agreed with me
“How about if the villain is a psychopath out to make a skin suit?”
– Not in a kids movie, dude.
“Ok, but it’s puppy skin?”
– Oh, then YES!
The parent-teacher conference is going great. They have no idea I’m not the teacher.
I was asked to babysit once but it didn’t go very well.
You’re not meant to sit on them.