I think I’m gonna be sick
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*helping son with math problem*
[hour later]
JUST WRITE 75 GODDAMMIT!
Kids are hard to predict; and living in 2021 with two young kids who sing along to “Who Let the Dogs Out” was not what I expected.
crow 1: wanna hang out?
undercover cop crow: you’re busted for attempted murder
It took me 15 mins to explain to my 18yo son how to make Minute Rice, in case you were thinking about having kids.
I don’t know why hair extensions are exclusive to women, I want to look like a centaur
Me: what is my final challenge
*dragon appears*
Me: oh no
Dragon: spell necessary
Me: OH NO
Him: I think we should see other people
Me: *eating a cheese ball like an apple* why
Starting a small business is too hard. I’m just going to start a big business then wait for some of it to fail
Where do storm troopers sit when they go to church?
In a pewpewpew
I just tested negative for patience.
Her: Did you turn the iron off before you left? Over.
Me: *in a ship streaking through the endless vacuum of space* …Dammit. Over.
My ex sexually identifies with Ramen noodles, he’s done in 3 minutes
I never finish what I start. I have a black belt in partial arts.
At my age I don’t need a Halloween costume to be scary, I just show up.
[graduation]
…and I owe it all to my mom, and my late dad *sheds tear*
[crowd cries]
*dad walks in holding starbucks*
“traffic, my bad”
[standing at your brisket smoker with a baggie of hot dogs] “Would you cook these for me?”
Gecko at McDonald’s crawl through:
I’ll have A Bug Mac, flies & a small snake.
Date nights are great to bond with your spouse over why the hell are the spoons in the fork rack
Licked a frog once.
He didn’t turn into a prince but he did turn into an ambulance ride.
Women have to be pissed knowing female kangaroos have an ingrown, biological fanny pack when they can’t even get pockets in their pants.
“IF THE EASTER BUNNY HAD TIME TO HIDE ALL THESE EGGS AROUND THE HOUSE, IT SURE AS HELL HAD TIME TO DO A COUPLE OF LOADS OF LAUNDRY”
I’d like to criticize your fidget spinner but I used to own a pet rock.
Sometimes you find a video that reminds you why social media is the best thing ever
My kid threatened to hold her breath until I gave her dessert. Now she’s a pearl diver in the Philippines & can afford her own damn dessert.
We spent $12,775 on daycare last year, for anyone currently using the pull out method.
My 5 year plan is to get an amp for my bass. That fish sure does love his energy drinks
It’s pretty and I’m a Taurus so naturally, I can’t help myself.
A Navidad is just a normal Dad that never has to ask for directions.
I just put the crockpot on the counter.
Which is basically the Bat Signal for ✨starting tomorrow we’ll be eating the same thing for the next three days✨
Our descendants will have smart toilets that will alert them to internal illnesses and trends in their diets just from their daily constitutional. I’m so glad I’ll be dead by then.