I think I’m gonna be sick
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Me: But Halloween is the one day a year you get to be anybody you want
Jury at my Identify Theft Trial: [impressed whispering]
“Stop slapping your brother’s forehead with that bacon.”
——‘What are things I never thought I’d need to say today’ for $100, Alex
if I order fries, they are for me
if he orders fries, they are for me
if the next table orders fries and they’re not looking, they are for me
I’d run a marathon but I don’t know if I can handle the commitment. I mean a lifetime of telling every person you meet you ran a marathon?
Is there a hand sanitizer out there that can kill the 0.01% germ?
Kid: “You know in Minecraft when..”
“No.”
My parents never allowed violent video games. Just family-friendly board games with questions like, “Who murdered this guy with a pipe?”
Damn I went from ‘I miss the bird songs’ to ‘all right that’s a lot of chatter for 5 am’ pretty quick
presidents day is just a holiday created by “Big President” to get us to buy more presidents
idk flipping houses looks really hard
Husband: what’s on your mind babe
Me: that someone made up dinosaur sounds without actually hearing them
Husband:
The UPS guy never wants to wrestle so I’m thinking about trying FedEx.
Waiter: and would you like mayonnaise on that?
Wife: Ew, gross.
Me: Why are you making your sex noises at him?
me (stepping out of time machine): I come from the future!
soldier: oh, great! we could use your help. thousands of us have died in this war for a treasure called “salt”
me: what, like table salt?
soldier: ? why do you call it that
me:
soldier: Why do you call it that.
“Hello, my name’s Drew and I’m an addict”
“Sir, this is a cheese counter”
[January 1st]
Moon: whatcha gonna do today
Earth: START A REVOLUTION
I told my mum at dinner that my daughter was talking in a made up language and my mum said all languages are made up and I dropped a potato
white people love ordering something that’s meant to be eaten with rice without rice and then waking up the next day not being able to open their eyes because of sodium bloat and being like why is korean food so salty like you ate enough kimchi jjigae for a family of 5 martha
1492
[DAY 6]
COLUMBUS: India!
SAILOR: That’s an island, Chris.
[DAY 11]
COLUMBUS: India!
SAILOR: That’s a dolphin, Chris.
{At America}
COLUMBUS: India!
SAILOR: *Sigh* You know what? Fine. Sure Chris. You did it. That’s India.
ENTER PASSWORD
password
YOUR PASSWORD IS TOO LITERAL PLEASE TRY AGAIN
again
ARE YOU KIDDING ME RIGHT NOW
How to make-out –
1. Hold her close
2. Kiss passionately
3. Don’t mention the budget deficit or your father
Son: daddy I drew a dinosaur
Me *looking at the drawing*: no you didn’t
Everything becomes normal eventually. Think of the most beautiful spot on earth, the place you would give your left arm to see just once before you die. There’s a tour guide who works there, and he wakes up every morning thinking, “Oh god, not this shit again.”
Being married means never admitting you were the last one to see the item that is now lost.
likes 853 pics in your media, don’t make this awkward boo.
Once I spilled an ENTIRE cup of coffee in a cab and the driver started freaking out, but miraculously, it all landed in a cup holder, and I soaked it up with a sock. When we arrived, the cab driver got out to see zero spilled coffee in his cab and looked at me like a magician.
[any baby is born]
society: first thing we gotta do is teach it animal sounds
“How did you get those scars?”
[Flashback to me running into a glass door]
They’re from Cage fighting.
Just stopped myself from thinking about this group of crows I saw last night when I realized that I was contemplating a murder.
Biden: Showed Trump our terror briefings about Equestria.
Obama: Equestria? Isn’t that My Little Pony?
Biden: 😉
