I think I’m gonna be sick
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My wife is pretty excited about going away this weekend so I’m not sure she knows I’m coming with her.
Person: I really DO want your honest advice
Me: NO you don’t
P: I DO
Me: I’m your friend. What I think doesn’t matter. He’s your husband. Sit down like 2 grown ass adults & have a conversation. Tell HIM not me & y’all work it out
P: *pause* Um, what’s your less honest advice?
Netflix: Are you still watching?
Blockbuster: 😭 yes
ME [about to be murdered at work]: haha this is a no kill shelter
GRIM REAPER: well shit
[At a psychic fair]
Psychic: Ask whatever you want to know. Success? Work? Love? Money?
Me: Can you tell me where my car keys are?
If a woman has kids: should they not be at home looking after the kids
If a woman does not have kids: wow crazy cat lady
If a woman lures kids to her cottage made of gingerbread deep down in the woods: she’s a witch
Women can’t win
Lucifer: what if we make lots of bugs?
God: love it, it’s done!
[3 days later]
Lucifer: how was your trip to earth?
God: *covered in bug bites* i’m moving your office to the basement.
Wife: [1st time watching Harry Potter] wait…if Harry was a baby, both Harry’s parents died & Voldemort disappeared; how does anyone know what happened at the house that night?
Me: [watching for the 751st time]
…well shit
Having teens is fun because they demand their independence but then turn right around & ask you for $20.
English would be much easier to learn if the guy who came up with the word “waterfall” was in charge of inventing all new words
Me: It appears our thoughts have verbally crossed streams once again
Friend: why can’t you just say jinx?
“We’ve been blessed with a second son, another prince”
“I hope he doesn’t grow to resent his older brother, Mufasa, who one day will be king”
“Let’s call him Scar”
Me: Let’s consult the Magic Eight-ball
Eight-ball: STEAL A CAR.
Still writing 2023 on all my ransom notes.
Getting my hair done Monday.
Good news for the kids who scream “WITCH” as they pass by my house, bad news for the birds that live in it.
My cat said “meow”, so I answered with a “meow”, and now I’m afraid of what I may have agreed to.
I’m thinking about getting a mirror over my bed so I can watch myself while I’m eating cereal.
Her: What’s for dinner?
Me: Remember what we had last night? Cream of that….
this can’t be the same pay my coworkers are raising 3 kids with 🥲
Normalize responding to work emails with:
“What the fuck are you talking about?”
“Knock knock”
“Whose there?”
“The spelling police”
“Oh know!”
Kids are fun cause they tell you sweet things like mom you should bedazzle that pimple.
I once got a ride home from the pizza guy by ordering 1 pizza to be delivered to the bar and 1 to my house. Pretty sure i deserve an award.
I’m so proud of myself. I went to Costco hungry and only spent $17,000.
Amazon problems:
1920: pirahna
1990: losing rainforest
2017: wrong size
Australia’s reputation for dangerous wildlife is exaggerated.
Statistics show that 43% of Australians actually escape being eaten and survive to adulthood.
FRIEND: Hey can I see your tattoo of a bat?
ME: My what?
FRIEND: Your tattoo.
ME: ?
FRIEND: *Sigh* Your battoo.
ME: Of course!
Doctor said I need to eat more salad.
The aliens can learn about the human body the same way I did. Playing Operation.
Me: Open your mouth, and close your eyes, and get ready for a big surprise.
5yo: Yum! A chocolate chip!
Me: Haha you just ate poison.
5yo: Quick. Give me the antelope!