I think I’m gonna be sick
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“Everyday I’m mumblin'”-Bane
me: i’m here for stabbing lessons
clerk: sir this is a fencing clu—
me: yeah whatever hand me a knife
clerk: …
me: dress me like a beekeeper
“Because of the number of nerve endings, a hangnail is among the most painful things a human can experience.” but the nurse completely ignored me and rudely continued telling my wife to push through the contractions.
The children of the corn are probably the grandparents of the corn now. Like “no Billy Bob, only kill him a little, grandpa’s got enough for the blood sacrifice”
Granny moaning “godfuckingdammit” as she vomits Red Lobster scampi. @RedLobster: What’s your favorite seaside memory with your grandparents?
This day sucked so bad I had to stop by the liquor store on my way to the bar.
i feel so bad i refunded him
My son asked to read one of my scripts three weeks ago. Still hasn’t read it. I can’t believe I’m raising a studio executive.
<reads 15 positive reviews of a product> I’m totally getting this.
<then reads 1 negative review> Forget it, it’s obvious crap.
WIFE: omg someone’s broken in!
ME *bravely grabs baseball bat from under the bed* wait here[downstairs]
FRIEND: Can’t you just tell her you want to play baseball?
ME: Keep your voice down
*aliens come to earth to steal our water*
[cut to]
*aliens running out of store with like fifteen evian bottles they didn’t pay for*
So Canada gets an entire day? What about Narnia or Middle-Earth or Westeros or other made up places #CanadaDay
How did people charge their phones before electricity?
No one helped Cinderella when she hallucinated and talked to rats, cause people are garbage smh
I can’t afford a security system so I’ve just stopped greasing the hinges on my doors
My boyfriend finally proposed to me, well he proposed that I stop saying he’s my boyfriend and that I get off his lawn and just leave him alone.
There was a moth on my computer screen so I googled “what eats moths?” and found a picture of a bat. I moved the picture around the screen to try and simulate flying. The moth was undisturbed but my experiments continue.
Where is my emotional support mac n cheese when I need it?
A dating app called Unhinged and we just post all out red flags and see if anyone is still interested
People make me sick, unless you cook them properly.
Incense sticks are just disappointing sparklers.
The optimist sees the carrot.
The pessimist sees the stick.
I see the ranch dip.
Me, mouthful of cicadas: WHAT?!
The doctor wants me to start eating healthier to add years to my life. It’s like he doesn’t realize I’m married.
[Gym]
Hello ladies, and welcome to Body By Jake!
Me: “Jake?” *i discreetly shove the cake I brought into my bag & back out of the room*
Just took a DNA test and it turns out I’m 100% being arrested for shoplifting
I want to go on a shopping spree at a book store..
But I also like electricity and food.. so you see my dilemma..
If you’re a squatter, every day is leg day.
[chick-fil-a]
EMPLOYEE: can i take your order?
ME: yes, thank you for asking
EMPLOYEE: my pleasure
ME: and thank you for saying it was your pleasure
EMPLOYEE: please don’t do this
ME: oh i’m just getting started